Self forgiveness and perfectionism - new here!

[Rabbit444]

Hi guys

I'm a self aware perfectionist (working on it) with high functioning anxiety. My life is good - a happy marriage, healthy children and a strong network of family and friends. The one recurring issue for me - is self forgiveness and self compassion. I understand the theory (and read a lot about it), but it is difficult to put into practice. When a make a bad error of judgement it results in terrible anxiety (days to weeks) and I am 'all consumed' by it.

A had an issue recently where opportunism (online shopping - purchasing a toolbox incorrectly marked $0 dollars and then lying about it to the store owner when I tried to get a store credit / refund for the full amount) resulted in me being found out and (rightly so), given a serve by the small business owner who pointed out that my actions were both dishonest and in poor taste. I took responsibility, apologised immediately and promptly returned the goods. The business owner said they appreciated that. End of story and big lesson learned - but not the end for me.

For the last week I have not been able to eat or sleep properly and am replaying the situation over and over in my head. What I should have done, fears they know who I am and that they could troll me online and tell my family, friends and work colleagues etc. I keep wanting to go back in time to before 'before the bad thing happened' and start again.

This is a recurring issue for me - if I drink too much and have a hangover, if I have a blue with a friend etc etc. I am constantly in need of reassurance, and to be 'absolved'. I also feel I have to disclose anything (big or small) that I feel is an indiscretion on my part to everyone close to me - to make sure they know what I've done - and still love me anyway.

With the toolbox incident - I know what I did was crappy and I certainly won't do it again. But my reaction and self loathing is out of kilter with the severity of the mistake.

Please help - and also, any tips on where this could stem from would be greatly appreciated so I can begin to get to the root of the issue.

[Petal22]

Hi Rabbit444,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

Forgive yourself…… first

When you forgive yourself you allow a space with in you to move forward.

Yes it takes practice when the mind brings it up just say to your self I forgive myself and then focus on something more positive in the present moment.

I had severe anxiety OCD….. I have now recovered from this condition thanks to the professional help I received.

I’m not saying you have this condition but I’d always feel the need to seek reassurance.

I was stuck in a vicious OCD cycle and I learned that this behaviour was a compulsion of mine.

Id do this to try to bring my anxiety down.

Id constantly analyse my thoughts and question them… it was very time consuming…….

Id also feel the need to confess things……. Even if these things happened a long time ago.

I’m here if you have any questions

[Rabbit444]

Hi Petal - thanks for your reply.

Im interested to know more about the anxiety OCD. I'm in a pattern where the reassurance I get (whether from talking to a friend or reading about anxiety etc) wears off after a little while and I'm back in a pattern of going through the emotions (and rumination) again. I can definitely relate to needing to confess things - it seems to be where my mind wants to go so people will tell me 'it's ok', 'what you did isn't that bad' etc etc

[Petal22]

Hi Rabbit444,

Thats ok 😊

OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder it’s a anxiety disorder ..

Some people perform compulsions mentally and some people physically.

Some of my compulsions were ….. checking things over and over again like did I lock the door, turn off the oven… ect

Id always seek reassurance and feel the need to confess certain things when I was highly anxious…

Id have intrusive thoughts and these thoughts would send my anxiety into over drive….. I’d feel as though I would have to tell people my thoughts so I could get re assurance.

My vicious cycle of OCD would be I’d have the intrusive thoughts I’d then analyse the thoughts question the thoughts….I’d ruminate on this thought like… what does this mean? I’d seek reassurance

Id always be stuck in my head

My intrusive thoughts went against everything I stood for as a person.

OCD felt like I was living in an internal hell

I learned in therapy how to break free of its grips.

Ive written two threads you may be interested in reading

From someone who had OCD and recovered

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

I’m not a doctor and I can’t diagnose but this is an example of what I went through.

Please ask me any thing

[jaz28]

Hi Rabbit444,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. I have also experienced this type of anxiety and it is scary and frustrating to constantly need reassurance.

What helped me get through it, was seeing my GP and getting a mental health care plan, and with that, I was able to see a psychologist and get control of my anxiety. Is this something you could be open to?

Hope things get better,

Jaz.

[Dean07]

Hi Rabbit444

Good post. I enjoyed reading it.

I'm going to tackle the perfectionism you are talking about.

I my profession, a jeweller, perfection is something we strive for all day. I used to find the pressure really stressful. Every tiny imperfection would eat away at my confidence. No matter how hard I tried I'd see a problem.

I changed the way I thought about myself and my work. I though of myself as someone who is on a constant learning curve. I no longer had to know everything or produce perfect work. My work now is much better than my work 10 years ago. The same with what I know. My work in 3 years time will be even better.

I actually enjoy work now and am happy to ask other jewellers how they would tackle a particular ring. I no longer have to be the best or compare myself to anyone else.

Perhaps you could see yourself as a life long learner and except that you will make mistakes. You will learn from them and grow as a person as a result. Everybody makes mistakes. The worst case would be to withdraw and not make mistakes.

good luck