Hi noharmstartingover,
welcome to the forums, I'm sorry to hear your struggling right now!
Depression and anxiety can be so so brutal.
Firstly - you are not your thoughts. I used to struggle with debilitating intrusive thoughts. I would fight myself constantly which would leave me exhausted and even more depressed and anxious. With the help of a psychologist, Ive learnt that my intrusive thoughts relate to my anxiety and how to manage them.
I compare intrusive thoughts to a screaming/annoying child banging pots and pans together. You tell the child to stop, they dont, they get louder, you get angrier and it just goes around in vicious circles. The trick is to ignore the child because they will eventually get bored and give up (terrible analogy I know haha). Intrusive thoughts feed off the reactions they get from you, the more you react, the more you fight your mind the worse it it. You want to acknowledge the thought and let it go - Easier said then done I know.
With the help of my psychologist, Ive been able to get to the point where I get an intrusive thought and it simply goes away or if my mind does latch onto it, I acknowlege it 'yep, thats a thought - fake news' - move on. I've discovered the more anxious I am, the more intrusive thoughts I get.
for me, drinking affects my anxiety, while I do have the odd drink or 2 I don't drink nearly as much as I once did. Maybe its something to consider?
Have you considered talking to a GP and getting a mental health care plan and a referral to a psychologist? I cant recommend talking to a psychologist enough. They will be able to help with strategies to work though your thoughts.
Id also recommend mindfulness and meditation. Its weird at first, but once you get used to it you should find it helps centers and focuses your mind. It feels claming and relaxing and helps clears the mind.
feel free to reply if you want - its hard at first but you can get past these thoughts.
take care
