Talking about mental illness

[calmseeker]

Hi All,

My anxiety has been quite severe for quite some time now, to the point I have been unable to work for a while. I have noticed that "What do you do?" is a common question when you meet someone. Specifically I am talking about 2 situations I have been in lately where people have asked me that: whilst having a haircut and meeting a neighbour for the first time. On both occasions I was torn between fibbing and saying "I work from home" or being upfront and saying " I have debilitating mental illness and cant work at the moment". I hear a lot that the stigma surrounding mental illness is lessening and I agree that awareness has risen but in a real life situation I believe its still hard to address the topic, like at the hairdressers the other day. I am still convinced that if I were to have told her I had a physical illness I wouldn't get the raised eyebrow. I have read the stats on the BB website informing that a high percentage of the public don't see anxiety as a weakness but I think it depends on who you're dealing with. I know some of you are going to say that in the hairdresser/neighbour situation I should just be truthful and that if more of us did that it lessens the stigma over time, and maybe some of you wont say that. In the end I told both those people in both of those situations that I had some health issues and couldn't work, thankfully they didn't probe any further. I am wondering what others who cant work due to their MI condition do and say ? Likewise, I have often wondered on 'R U OK' day what the reaction is when people say "no I am not." R U OK is great in theory but I wonder if the everyday person is equipped to deal with a no I am not ok answer.

These forums are great as we are surrounded here by others who totally understand MI and all that comes with it. I am just not so convinced that there is that level of understanding and acceptance out in the everyday world yet. It is definitely improving though. I am hoping for times where you can say " I have depression" like someone can say " I have diabetes" and you can say "I have GAD" like someone can say "I have eczema" or " I have arthritis".

CS

[Aaronsis]

Hey CS

You take the time that you need to have these sorts of conversations, it is not easy and the last thing you want to do is trigger yourself in a public space. I think you are very brave in posting here and sharing your story, it is not easy. I think sometimes it does help to consider the other side of the conversation and that the other person may not come at you with judgement or pitty but with empathy and even a story of their own. As you can see there are alot of people here in this community chatting, then there are the ones that read these posts and absorb, the community is so very large that it would not surprise me that the more we talk, the more people talk. As I said though, you do it at your own pace and when you feel comfortable.

Sarah xxx

[white knight]

Hi calmseeker,

Here are my thoughts on this important topic.

People with no contact with mental illness, when it is mentioned, often feel confronted because a/ they cannot see the illness b/ they cannot offer advice c/ they feel less happy as they feel it is a negative topic and there might be other reasons.

Birds of a feather flock together- in this case forums are the ideal place to vent, seek support and learn.

An example of this. You are the hairdresser and you ask your client how their day has been. Your client is a brain surgeon and she begins to rattle off medical terminologies- "well, my day has been challenging, first off, my patient has a transmitter lopendage isotoping grifficania and it was pressing on the rectoanalism. Of course I couldn't stop the bleeding as it was leaking grey caulitiffanges". You get the picture. Now as you pick yourself up from the floor from fainting you might be swayed not to ask for anymore detail in fact I bet you change the subject- "apart from that how was your day...do you like mohawks"?

Perhaps however this sums it up, because regardless of my suggestion you refrain from letting strangers or acquaintances know it still hurts we cannot get some basic understanding.

LEGS OF SPOKE

How can I let them know?
When the dark exceeds the glow
When the sun hides behind the clouds
Silence they hear...but I scream so loud.

Some stand beside a 6 foot hole
Shake their heads and see its toll
They ask how he could have dropped
Out of the circle -a forget me knot

Yet they seem to see clear and there is hope
When they sight a person with legs of spoke
A crippled girl pushing her chair
A man be manic- there's no one there.

"Storm in a tea cup" hurts so bad
Like the cyber crow who remains so glad
Keeps flying and in full flight
Achieves his art...in the middle of the night

For some in power see it their way

Even at the side of a 6 foot grave

Shake their head and call out "why"
"Why on earth- he didnt have to die".

So kind some be they reach out so true
Smile away "we want to meet you"
Bring along your vintage car and your smile"
But leave - what's behind your dial.

So we laugh and dine and all's ok
Leave at home come what may
If I be saddled with legs of spoke
They'd lift me around- bloody good bloke.

But as my mind hurts so bad
Cannot hide my feelings- mad?
Can no longer be bloody good bloke
Sometimes I wish.....
I had legs of spoke......

TonyWK

[Step_Twelve]

Hi calmseeker,

It takes a lot of courage to be open and honest about mental health issues, but I've come to believe it's an important thing to do. Of course, if it causes you undue stress or discomfort, you're under no obligation to reveal your personal struggles to strangers (just tell them you're and Embalmer or something and there'll be no further questions).

But if you do embrace the vulnerability and reveal your situation to someone publicly, I sincerely thank you on behalf of all of us who suffer from any form of mental condition. Each time you talk about it publicly with confidence you gradually erode the stigma and start to reduce the general expectations of shame and embarrassment that our culture continues to hold.

There have only been a handful of occasions that I have stated my anxiety condition openly to someone. I always stored an entire arsenal of arguments, counterpoints, and scripted defensive responses for all the horribly inconsiderate and dismissive things I imagined people would say to me about my condition. I have never had to use any of them. The response has always been (to my surprise) perfectly understanding and respectful. I keep my scripted retorts handy anyway, but my point is that the fear and embarrassment we feel is rarely warranted.

Thanks for raising this, it has been a good reminder for me to speak out assertively more often on these issues.

Cheers,
12

[calmseeker]

Tony WK - That's a fine piece of writing there! I totally agree that people with no previous contact with mental illness may feel confronted by the topic, it may come out of a place of fear as us humans fear what we don't understand. Therefore, who better than to educate than the sufferers themselves I suppose.

Gambit - Talking = awareness for sure. Its always refreshing when someone who the country holds in high regards discloses their battle with mental illness, it reduces so much stigma when they do so, especially when there is a positive recovery story to go with it showing people its fine to disclose, there is help and there can be recovery and management of whatever the condition may be.

12 - An embalmer, that's classic, gave me a giggle! You are so right, maybe peoples responses may not be anything to fear, and besides, how else do we erode the stigma.

[Lady_Nova]

My declining mental health was, for a long time, a great source of ridicule and emotional abuse. When I left my marriage I made myself promise to always be honest about my mental health as no body could be as horrible about it as me ex and his family. I also felt I should model resilience and honesty for my sons as well as give them an exercise in compassion.

I have since found that a completely blurty transparency is not the way to go. In general people are not ready for it. I now allow some getting to know me time, whilst also being honest if my psychology conflicts with events or catch ups. Once people know I indulge in psychology the paths are open to inquiry and I answer any question they have. I think these days we have to give others the opportunity to say #metoo. One in three of every group has someone who is a victim of abuse and then there are those non abuse traumas. We cannot be the only one in a room who struggles with mental health challenges.

[Leel]

It really is a tough dilemma. If we keep silent, the stigma will likely remain because people won’t be educated properly about the effect of MI. If we do talk about it honestly we run the risk of telling an insensitive or intolerant person who can’t wrap their head around what they can’t “see”.

i was diagnosed with depression, personality disorder, panic disorder and anxiety 2 or so years ago. On Monday I was admitted to a mental health unit. Today was the first time I ever told my mum about my MI because of how I thought she would react. I have to say, it somehow felt freeing.

There are certain people I have been upfront with and with every person I do tell I feel like a little part of me becomes free. Like I can actually be me instead of wearing a socially acceptable mask.

i also have to say that the time in thins MH unit has to be the first time ever I have been able to be completely me.

i think you should only say whatever you are comfortable with although I think you would be surprised just how common MI is.

[calmseeker]

Yes this can be a bit of a dilemma, depending on who you're talking to and what the situation is. Do you make an effort to explain your suffering to a parent? well yes if you can, a friend? more than likely, a neighbour? maybe ? I can usually gauge pretty quickly if a person would be unjudgmental and receive a conversation about mental health well. But when a hairdresser or a neighbour who you have known for 2 minutes asks where you work and the truth is you don't because your mental health is so bad, its can be slightly awkward to decide on the spot if you should start the whole conversation. I suppose its situational. In saying this I understand and cant see any other way the stigma can be broken down unless we do be brave and tell that hairdresser the truth and start that conversation.

Thanks for your thoughts on this topic Leel, and I really hope you're doing ok after whatever difficulties you have had recently and I am so happy for you that you had that chat with your mum. Sending calm vibes your way.