Struggling

[Aree]

I feel so locked in and very negative. I have short moments of reprieve but then this darkness and fear seems to take over. I have had feelings like this before but this time it just seems to be getting worse. I feel so lost but have a loving husband and daughter to support me. So why can't I just get on top of this fear. I can see that my thoughts are irrational and not real but that does not take the anxiety away. I know if I go to this fearful situation in real time that nothing will happen but It doesn't stop the fear and anxiety. I feel bothered and panic stricken. My mind goes over and over again. I am constantly trying to resolve a problem which I can't really define. I want to b e strong but can't find any strength or positivity. It is though my mind is telling me that I don't deserve to find happiness. I don't think I am feeling sorry for myself as I have tried to think differently but there is a block and no direction. I am tired and despondent. It is good to let it out like this I don't know if it is a good thing to complain as I am.

[Birdy77]

Hi Aree,

It is good to let it out like this, you are not complaining, just telling it like it is for you right now. It is not only good for you, but good for others of us out here to hear and see that we're not the only ones who feel this way, you are helping others by sharing your pain and your experience.

I don't have any wise advice right now, but i wanted to let you know you are not alone and it's great you've connected here and reached out. It's a safe space where others understand your pain.

It can be so tiring, i know I'm struggling with that feeling at the moment as well.

Have lots of compassion for yourself.

Love and light to you Aree 🌻

[Aree]

Thankyou. I am so grateful for your support. You also take care of yourself.

[Birdy77]

Aree, I can really relate to your feeling of constantly trying to resolve a problem that you can't really define.

I feel like that so often.

Sometimes i can identify a problem, and then i go into overthinking overdrive, and sometimes i can't define a problem , so i will i just go right ahead and spin into a cycle of generalised anxiety. Just in case.

It is very draining.

Go gently with yourself 🌻

[Birdy77]

Hi Aree,

Just wondering how you are feeling and hope that you can find a moment, even just a moment, of relaxation from the anxiety and find a bubble of peace and happiness today.

I am sending you a peace bubble and hope it lands in your heart.

🌻🌻🌻

[White_Rose]

Dear Aree

Hello and welcome. It is really horrible to have these thoughts churning away in your mind. As Birdy has said, this is a safe place to vent and talk over what's happening.

Unfortunately we cannot be rational when this is happening. You say you know this fear is irrational and if you are in the middle of it in real time nothing would happen. And of course you end up feeling silly to feel this way.

When you are thinking about a real, if only prospective, event we can race ahead with all the worries. It's a bit like having a conversation/argument with someone and afterwards thinking of all the answers you could/should have made. Except this looking back while the other is looking forward and is more threatening.

So what can you do. If this has been going on for a while, either in episodes in the past or only this occasion I suggest talking to your GP. These intrusive thoughts nag at you all the time and make your life a misery. Start taking steps to help with these thoughts. Talking to your GP will help and if you are like me an d forget half the things you want to ask or say, then copy your post and print it out to give to your GP.

It can difficult to start these sorts of conversations but when you simply hand over your paper the GP can see what's happening and take it from there. Please do not feel ashamed or worry about what will happen. There are many people walking around with the same problem and they all want to get rid of it. I used to feel like you when I was a teenager (many years ago) and I wish there had been more known about such things. As it was I kept it to myself believing I was the odd one out.

Your GP may suggest medication and/or a psychologist/psychiatrist. Do not be afraid of these people. I see a psychiatrist fortnightly although in the past couple of months it has been weekly. This past year has been hard for reasons beyond my control and 'my' psychiatrist and my GP have been fantastically supportive.

Would you continue to post in here please? I would very much like to know how you are going.

Mary

[Aree]

Thankyou for your care. I really appreciate your time to check on me. I am feeling a little better, at least I have pockets of peace. I feel I have cheated and have run away from my fear but am so much better for having put it behind me but it pops its head up and I work hard to push it away. Each morning I wake with anxiety and it takes a while for me to feel more normal. I realise I will have to learn more about this dreaded fear, be stronger than it is and enjoy a better mind. I worry about going down the psychologist path as I fear what it may unravel. I will keep working at it and again I appreciate your care. Aree

[Aree]

Thankyou Mary. I am due to see my GP next week, so hopefully I can work through my fears. I appreciate your encouragement about specialist mental care. I wish you well. It sounds as though you have had a long journey and hope that you are improving. Aree

[Birdy77]

Hi Aree,

Thanks for replying. I'm glad to hear that you've felt a little bit better and managed to get some periods of peace.

I understand what you mean about feeling wary of seeing a psychologist because you're worried about what it may unravel - i felt the same way before i started getting some counselling. I think that's part of the anxiety keeping us trapped, in its claws.

It can feel daunting to think of starting to delve into our issues, but a psychologist can help us to do this in a safe manner and help guide our journey towards freedom from this anxiety beast.

I dreaded talking to a psychologist, but it was one of my better decisions to do so, it opened up a lot of things, things that i didn't even know i held inside me (i understand that is kinds what you're fearful of), but it allowed me to begin to actually understand myself a bit better and start to break free from chains that i didn't even know i was in.

It also showed me there were reasons behind the way i was, reasons for my anxiety, for my low self-esteem and lack of belief in myself, reasons for the constant inner-criticism and beating myself up over every little thing.

And that led to the beginning of actually having a bit of compassion for myself, i could see myself finally in all of my woundedness and I found this to actually feel quite empowering.

You might feel more ready to think of seeing a counsellor after you chat to your GP next week. See how you go.

Have you tried any breathing exercises or yoga or tai chi or qigong? In my experience things like that can really help, even if just temporarily. They help to ground you when you feel like you're spinning out of control.

I hope you are having a good day today.

You are not alone in your struggles.

🌻🌻🌻 bubbles of light to you 🌻 🌻 🌻

Birdy

[White_Rose]

Hello Birdy

Thank you for your post. I was able to identify with all you have said and of course it's great to know we are not alone in our misery.

Hello Aree

I also know the fear of seeing a mental health professional. I won't say I was exactly kicking and screaming all the way to the psych but both my GP and psych were very aware of my displeasure. In fact the psych and me had a conversation about it a couple of weeks ago, reminiscing about the hard time I gave her. There can be a lot of fear talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist at first and the concern about what these conversations may reveal is valid. I found talking to the psych has revealed a great deal about me and also the reasons for the way I act, speak, think. In fact why I am the person I am.

Birdy is quite right about these things. And that led to the beginning of actually having a bit of compassion for
myself, i could see myself finally in all of my woundedness and I found this to actually feel quite empowering. This is an enormous step forward for anyone. For the first time I could recognise what Birdy calls her woundedness and having compassion for herself. This is a road I am travelling and I have found it gives me such a feeling of relief after all these years of thinking what bad person I was and in beating myself up because I was not as good as everyone else.

Please consider these things when you talk to your GP. I expect she/he will be able to reassure you and give you heaps of help. Yes I have been on a long journey which hotted up considerably in the past few years. Some circumstances are beyond our control yet I feel if I had been as aware of myself then as I am now, my life would have been easier. Who knows? We cannot say what might or might not have happened, and looking back at maybes is pointless. Make today count.

Mary