Dear Zephyr478,
It is very understandable that you are feeling this anxiety now along with the full impacts of those things that were eclipsed while focussing on and caring for your mother. It is a huge thing to process, losing the one who was your person and having to make such a giant readjustment as the family home is sold.
There is nothing to be ashamed about with having lived at home with your mum. I think quite a few people find themselves in that position and then it’s a lot to deal with after their parent is no longer with them. Although I moved out of home when young, I came back for the last 11 months of my mother‘s life to look after her in the family home that I’d grown up in. During the time before my sibling and I sold the house, I attended a grief support group. I remember meeting a woman there in her 40s who like you had always lived with her mum, and after her mum passed, she found it extraordinarily difficult. She was still living in the same house. I don’t know if it would help, but perhaps something like a grief support group may provide some others to talk to and share with. There is also the Griefline helpline, which may be helpful too. Their number is: 1300 845 745. Have you thought about attending some counselling? Your GP could do a Mental Health Care Plan for you that gives you a Medicare rebate for up to 10 sessions with a psychologist, plus you can usually get an additional 5 sessions with an Enhanced Primary Care Plan. There’s usually still a gap to pay. Also, it’s important to find someone you really feel comfortable with of course. I just thought it may help to have someone to debrief with and work through all the emotions that are arising for you now.
I am thinking having some things in place that are stabilising for you leading up to the move and afterwards could help. Is there something that helps, like a familiar place you enjoy going to (depending how the agoraphobia is affecting you) or some things you like doing that give you a sense of the familiar while so much else is changing around you? For example, even once you move, are there some things that feel like islands of safety and comfort, so to speak? I am just thinking that if you can connect with something familiar it may give you some stability in relation to feeling like things are spinning out of control. I personally found for me that even watching certain TV shows I liked just kept me grounded and connected somehow and was somewhat stabilising.
Like you, my life had been defined by caring for my mother, even though I hadn’t lived with her that whole time. I had essentially been her carer since the age of five. So I have had to start to define my life according to my own needs - a new concept. So it feels like maybe that is your journey too. As disorienting as it feels right now, it is like the beginning of a new chapter, but I understand it is very rocky to begin with. As extremely hard as it is to let go, you can get through this and life will continue. In my situation it has taken me a long time to process things and grief certainly has its own timeline, but little by little the impact of loss gradually lessens and I’ve found I’m slowly learning to see and understand myself, if that makes sense. So I just want to give you courage that you can too.
Take care and happy to chat further if you wish.
Kind regards,
Eagle Ray
