Dear J. P. Penguin~
Welcome to the Forum, you have painted a pretty clear picture. Life with an autistic son is extremely demanding and hard to cope with, and if you do not have the support of a family and friends everything falls on you.
This is isolation of course, and if I understand has been that way for 10 years. During that time all the social skills and ability to cope in the outside has gradually leaked away, it would for anyone. So now I'm not surprised that the difficulties have built up to the extent they are starting to stop you.
Do you have anyone at all to give you support and care? Do you have anyone in family or friends you might talk to, if conditions were right? Sometimes you can be surprised at a person's reactions.
Worrying over traffic light cameras, even when you know you were legal, not wanting to go to unfamiliar places or meet new people, all thing that once you would have done without a second thought become the mountains you talk about.
From the sound of it things have gone beyong simple lack of practice and built up to a very major problem for you.
If it is of any comfort to you I've felt similar, even to dread of the phone ringing (particularly if I missed the call and wondered what is was). The postman dropping off mail was a cause for my anxiety to go right up.
By writing here - which I'd imagine was very difficult for you, you may have reached the stage you are prepared to accept outside help. Do you think that is the case?
I do hope so because that is how I started to improve. Proper treatment (maybe medications, most probably therapy) has been my road back to coping properly. It can start with a simple long consultation wiht a GP.
Now I know you see talking to anyone as a major hurdle, and just cry, not say enough. I've been there too, thinking face to face explanations were beyond me due to upset, poor memory and at times embarrassment or even fear. My way round was to write, as you have written above, then share the paper. I then only had to answer questions, not explain from scratch. The doctor had a list to work from and nothing was left out.
Do you think this might be a possibility?
Trying to lead the life you are living now takes more and more out of you, and things can be so much better. I can hear the phone ring now and am not worried at all - what a change.
I do hope you come here and talk more
Croix
