Severe Work Anxiety

[Anne1303]

I have struggled with depression and anxiety on and off for years. I went off medication six months ago thinking I was feeling great, but since then have slowly gone downhill until I have totally crashed this week at work and have had to take time off. I have extreme anxiety that I will miss something really important at work and something terrible will happen because I have missed it. I obsess over it now and found my constantly rechecking things just in case but still get into a panicked state just thinking about it. I saw my dr yday and have restarted on medication but am just so obsessed with worry that I am actually thinking about quitting my job and looking for something in a much less stressful environment , but then I worry am I just running away from my fears and will I find something to obsess and worry about in a different job anyway? Just so miserable and down and panicked .

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne,

I can relate to parts of your story. (More of this is shortly.) And a couple of case studies I have recently read also might provide a couple of the ideas? And it was actually the ideas from readings that I used.

I work(ed) as a developer in the software company. Outside of the doing everything, lead programmer, looking after support etc. I would look look after builds. Sometimes I would triple check that certain changes had been checked into CVS to make sure they were there. And I might even check the build PC to make sure they were these also! And if it was missing, I would blame myself. To the point that the entire build was useless. I had/have an all or nothing view if things.

But I see a psychologist (and psychiatrist) these days to talk over things, and has also given me tools to overcome these thoughts, including the relaxation, grounding and mindfulness exercises. In fact you will find threads on the forums for each of these topics that might give you some ideas as well.

Despite the fact that I work in a small company, I was able to switch up my role a fair bit. So that rather than trying to be everything to everybody, I now do limited programming, manage other developers who do most of the work, and write documents and act as a mentor (of sorts).

For me, and I guess you the options were/are:

1. leave your job. (I did consider this, but I have the concept of loyalty from parents that stopped me.)

2. explore possibility of changing roles in the business.

3. stay in current position and find ways of dealing with the stresses etc.

4. do nothing. (always a choice, if not necessarily a good one.)

And then with any choices you might make, there is no harm in talking through the issues with a professional (counsellor? psychologist?) to explore the options and the likely impacts etc.

Just know that you are not alone. If you have any questions about what I did, or thoughts that I had in relation to the above options, give me a buzz.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

Tim

[Anne1303]

Hi Tim

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ve seen my dr and started on medication and I know it takes awhile to start to work but I’m really struggling today. I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who has fears and worries like this. My dr has referred me to a counsellor too who I hope might be able to help me more as well. I want to quit and walk away from my job and find something with less responsiblilty but I don’t want to make a decision when I’m feeling like this either.... but just thinking about going back to work is making me so much more anxious too. Each day is a struggle to get through at the moment .

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne,

One thing that I did forget to mention was that I had to the speak with my boss about what I was happening to me. This was after my first breakdown and after I had spoken with my psychologist. Not sure how this would play out for you.

At my worst, my family, and psychologist and psychiatrist told me that I should resign. But I am tooo loyal - a trait from my parents.

I also suggest that you check out the thread

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/grounding-yourself-what-is-it-and-how-do-you-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/mindfulness-what-is-it-(even-if-you-dont-know-please-post-so-we-can-help-grow-the-forums-accordingly

Also get app like smiling mind, relax melodies, or virtual hope box for you phone.

Lastly, do you have any friends or family that you can talk to about the situation at work? To get another perspective on the situation? (Interestingly, the more I talked to people (I knew) about what I was going through, I would sometimes find out I was not alone, and not the only one. In doing so, I would also be building a support network.)

Tim

[Anne1303]

Hi Tim

Im thinking about speaking to my boss to explain the situation and see what they say. I’m just not sure if it is a good idea or not. I’m on holidays at the moment so am trying to wait if I start to feel better if the medication kicks in. Today is day 5 and I’m not feeling any better and actually had a few times when I just started shaking worrying about everything. Now I’m also worrying that the medication isn’t going to work. I’ve trie distracting myself with tv and different relaxation music but not much seems to help me. I am just struggling through the day counting down time til my husband gets home from work to cling to for abit of support. I feel like something is wrong with me for even being this way 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne,

Do you know when you get to see the counselor? You might me be able to talk to them about what to do with your current job and work out what action(s) to take.

Medication can take a while to kick in. And then hoping that you are taking the right ones. It took 3 goes to find the right medication for me. Hopefully you will be a bit luckier. Also make notes about any side-effects you are feeling. That includes whether you think the medication is working. If you need additional information....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/depression/treatments-for-depression/medical-treatments-for-depression

The other thing(s) you could try are prayer or worry beads, something that you can touch, feel, hear. And if you use these with a mantra of some sort can be useful. At least they work(ed) for me, when things on my phone did not. Things will get better, over time. Just have to be patient - that was advice from my wife to me.

Peace and blessings,

Tim

[Anne1303]

Thanks Tim. My husband was just on the phone to her and we mite be able to get in to see her tomrrow, just waiting for her to phone him back to confirm. I just feel like I want to quit and walk away but then I think is that what I am going to do every time I get anxious about something, is ot you g to a cycle I can’t get out of. My husband is very supportive and says just leave and we’ll be ok but I feel already an immense amount of guilt just thinking about walking away from a good job just because I’m so anxious.... it’s so hard, a thousand thoughts are running through my head.

I have been trying to concentrate on just waiting and giving medication time to kick in but time goes so slow waiting.,.... my mum has came to stay with me and our three kids this week when my husband is at work just so I don’t have to be by myself. I will try some prayer or worry beads and see if that helps. I’ve gone outside in the fresh air for abit and watching the kids play handball on our driveway.

Thanks for taking the time to talk Tim and for listening.

[smallwolf]

You clearly have a supportive husband and family with you mum coming over to help as well. And fingers crossed with the appointment.

Some decisions can be hard to make, like the one you working out/on. And there is really is no right or wrong answer. People will leave their job due to the stress, and find something more fulfilling. My wife was a teacher before we had kids. And so she did not deal with stress of teaching and raising kids, became a swimming teacher of toddlers. Others stopped a corporate career to become a parish secretary. And as I said in one of my earlier posts, everyone that was not at my work place told me to quit. I recently talked about this with my mum, and she said that I got my sense of loyalty from her.

Here is a trick for mindfulness. Do you drink coffee? If so, when you have your next cup... Think about the coffee starting as a seed in the ground, and growing into shrub. Think about the watering and fertilizer used to make the seed grow into that shrub. And then think about the shrub producing the bean that will be picked. Think of the beans being picked and then the drying and roasting process the beans go through. And finally the ground coffee going into the cup and covered with hot water. Smell the coffee. Listen to it as the water goes into the cup. Can you hear anything? What does it look like? Can you see any patterns? What does it taste like? Immerse yourself into the experience.

Tim

[Anne1303]

Yes I am very lucky to have such a supportive family, I know I must be a big worry to them at the moment.

Thanks for the coffee mindfulness - I always have a cup of coffee when I get up in the morning so I will give your mindfulness trick a try tomrrow and see if it helps. You have lots of good advice. I hope when I am feeling better that I can be of help to others as you are being to me.

[CoraC]

Anne1303 I read your post and I had to reread it, I wondered if I'd written it myself! Your experience is So similar to my own situation. I'm sad for you that you're feeling like this but also have to say it's somewhat reassuring that I'm not alone. I'm sure many others feel the same too, so thanks for sharing.

I keep starting new jobs, thinking this will be the one that stops me obsessing over making mistakes. But the same worries happen every time. And then I get into a self destructive cycle which I can't seem to stop, then I resign due to worrying that I won't do well enough, stress and the whole cycle starts again. I've read with interest the replies to your posts, and hope to try and make use of them myself. I wish you all the best for your current situation and hope things are turning around for you.