Severe OCD

[__2]

Hello,

To give some context, I have suffered from anxiety for many years now, which also gradually grew into OCD, mainly with washing my hands excessively and fear of contamination, however recently it has become very extreme. I find it very difficult to put what I've been feeling into words, but I will try to articulate it as best I can.

About a month ago I went out with a few of my friends and I ended up getting relatively intoxicated, I remember it being an enjoyable and quite uneventful night. However, the next day i went home and I started making myself believe that I had done something absolutely horrible, and I gradually made the scenario worse and worse in my head, since then i have been obsessing and convincing myself that I have done the most horrific thing ever imaginable, when I know deep down I haven't and would never do such a thing. I had no real reason to do this/indication that I had done anything, but I think I have associated alcohol with memory loss and I've made myself believe that "well, if i cant remember it, who knows what could of occurred/what I'm capable of". I have been experiencing debilitating guilt constantly ever since then, for something that I know is completely absurd. Prior to this, I had been experiencing pretty much exactly the same thing from another time, convincing myself I had done something horrendous. The thoughts from most recent night have replaced those thoughts with a even more extreme scenario.

These thoughts have also made me believe I am contaminated and disgusting, which has caused me to wash my hands a very excessive amount, roughly about an entire container of soap per day (to the point where I am getting cuts/splits on my hands due to how much they are being washed). This has also stopped me from going out and doing things in fear that I will contaminate places or people, and I have pretty much done nothing but sit in my room and wash my hands. I have become extremely depressed and anxious constantly.

I have never spoken about my mental health, this is my first time ever talking about my mental health, but i feel it is finally necessary as It has become extremely bad. Although I am sceptical because how will it ever be proven that I didn't do what I'm making myself believe i did? It can never been proven or shown to me with definitive proof that I didn't do it, and I can't imagine I will feel better unless I know for a fact the situation(s) did not occur.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[geoff]

Hello, and please let me welcome you to the forums and what you have told us is very disturbing but I can relate to it as I've had OCD for a long time and developed something like yours has, although I was a young kid, I do feel so sorry for you.

What may happen with this illness is that it makes us believe something has happened and gives us intrusive thoughts that cause great distress as they seem to come out of nowhere and make no sense, but we can't seem to have any answers as to why so obsessions and compulsions may develop.

Trying to block these thoughts out only makes the situation worse, but if you are counselled by a psychologist using CBT then this may help you.

Your doctor may want to prescribe some medication, which I have been taking for a long time, but I would really like to hear back from you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest5643]

Hi big welcome to you. I feel for you so much i know how frightening and incredibly confusing it is for you. Although when my ocd was severe my symptoms were similar but very different at the same time i 100% understand what your saying if thats any comfort. I agree with geoff blocking the thoughts makes them worse and theres no beating rnd the bush it takes alot of practice to aknoledge and accept the intrusive thoughts and not get scared or worry over them. I think it would be extremely beneficial for you to see a psychologist who has good experience and truly understands ocd. Not all of them do so you need to check that beforehand. Medication was an absolute godsend. Ive been on them over 20yrs now. I think ocd has to be one of the most complicated mental illnesses to try to explain to non ocd sufferers. Thinking of you

[__2]

Hello,

Thank you both for the responses. I really appreciate the advice and I think I will try to look into making an appointment with a doctor or psychologist.

If i was to go and see one, do you have any insight of what the steps would be, in terms of the process in trying to help with it. I'm just sceptical because from what I've learn't about intrusive thoughts (please correct me if I-'m wrong) they are generally thoughts that you are going to do something or have urges to do things etc. I used to experience this, however not really anymore.

What I've been feeling is that I've done things that I haven't, which makes it much worse for me because it gives me massive guilt rather then just worry that I'm going to do something. I don't doubt my memory while sober, but because I was intoxicated for these instances, like i said i have associated the alcohol with memory loss and I have created scenario's because of that.

For me I just don't really see how anyone could ever help me with this, because no matter how much therapy I go through or how much medication I take, how will they ever be able to prove to me that the situations didn't occur and that's what i find very worrying, the fact that I'm unsure If I will ever be able to get over something that I know didn't even happen...

Once again, Thank you very much for the responses, I really appreciate it.

[geoff]

Hello, can I ask you to copy and paste this in the google search bar:

Do intrusive thoughts mean anything? and would be interested in your thoughts.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest5643]

Hi ??. Intrusive thoughts come in many different weird scary freaky shapes and forms.

[__2]

Hello,

Thanks for the responses,

I had a look and it's given me a better understanding about them, however to be honest just reading that they don't mean anything doesn't really take much power away from the thoughts.

[geoff]

Hello, I know how you are feeling and absolutely appreciate what you are saying, so is it possible for me to get back to you tomorrow, and I only say this because OCD affects people in many different ways.

Please take care.

Geoff.

[__2]

Hello,

Thanks again for the response, thats absolutely fine to get back to me whenever, I appreciate it.

[Alexlisa]

Hello ??
I’m sorry that you’re having such a difficult time, but I’m really glad that you reached out here because you deserve to be supported through this.

I’ve had OCD for 15 years, most of that time it’s been severe, so I can empathise with what you’re going through. OCD can be a cruel illness and very hard to manage without help. It sounds like you’re at a stage where you really need to get some professional help. Mental illness is just as serious and legitimate as physical illness. Unfortunately OCD has a tendency to get bigger without learning the skills you need to manage it. And a psychologist (preferably one familiar worth treating OCD) is the best person to teach you the skills and support you through recovery.

Treating OCD is tough because as you know, there’s no way to argue with the thoughts because you can never be 100% sure. Because nothing can ever be certain in life it leaves a little window of doubt all the time, and that’s where OCD sneaks in. Trying to get certainty is what makes OCD feel so unbearable and a struggle. There are lots of different types of OCD, but one is definitely the type you’ve mentioned you’re having the most trouble with - Harm OCD. I struggle with this too. Sometimes I think I’m going to do something awful, or that I’ve already done something awful and just can’t remember. There’s no way I can ever be sure, so it just goes round and round. And it does make me feel like I must be a terrible person to even have such awful thoughts to begin with. So that I don’t feel so disgusted in myself, I try to hold onto the knowledge that it’s just a symptom of my OCD, the same as a runny nose is a symptom of a flu.

One of the difficulties with OCD is that it’s pretty much impossible to argue with the thoughts and try to dismiss them with logic. So CBT can be quite limited in effectiveness because it focuses on challenging the thoughts. We already generally know that the thought makes no sense, so arguing with it is not very helpful and can just be more distressing.

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