Scared and anxious

[loveyourself9]

I'm a 17 year old female and I've been diagnosed with anxiety and it has really affected my daily life. I went to the doctor when I had my first panic attack, where my vision went blurry out of nowhere, I was shaking and my ears were blocked. I thought I was dying. That was the only panic attack I've had, however every day I have an irrational fear of dying every day. My doctor asks me why I have anxiety, and I lie and say it's because of school, but it's really about me being bisexual.

I've always been attracted to boys but suppressed my attraction to girls for a long time. I developed a crush on a girl last year, and I told one of my friends that I trust and she was so accepting. I even told my crush, but we never talked about it again. We are still friends but every time I talk to her I always think about if she's thinking about how I told her I like her. But we have only ever talked about it once. Having a relationship in general scares me, but I want to marry a boy in the future and I don't want to marry a girl. I just feel an attraction to girls as well as boys, it's not as strong but it's definitely there.

I'm so immensely terrified of coming out especially because I think that it will change everything. I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am but I am so scared that people around will think it's just a phase, that I'm confused or try to change me. It's so difficult because I have to deal with these physical symptoms every day because of this. I have to tell my doctor so I can be referred to a psychologist, but I can not bring myself to say it because I wonder if he is homophobic, and my mum is in the room as well. I want to come out to my family so bad but I don't know if they will understand and that's what scares me. I'm so scared that they will think I'm confused or even not love me any more. I'm so tired of having to deal with this debilitating anxiety single day.

[Summer Rose]

Hi loveyourself

Welcome to the bb forum. I know it took a lot of courage to share your story and I can tell you it really touched my heart. I'm a mum with a 21 year old daughter and if you were my girl I would give you a big hug.

I understand it's scary to talk about being bisexual and, while I don't know how your family will react, I want you to know that it's okay.

You are perfect just the way you are. You are worthy of love, kindness and respect. You are wonderful you, and that's just the way it's meant to be.

I agree that you would benefit from professional help to come to terms with how to come out to your family and friends. You shouldn't have to tell the doctor what's troubling you to receive a referral to a psychologist. Your symptoms should be enough.

Perhaps you could talk to mum and let her know that you really need help to manage your anxiety but aren't ready to discuss why you feel anxious with her just yet. Ask mum if she would make another appointment and let you go alone.

Your mum is likely very worried and she might struggle with this a bit but I'm hoping she will see it's more important for you to get help than for her to know all the details now. Perhaps you could then try the GP again and just focus on your symptoms and ask for a mental health plan and referral.

Alternatively you could also independently make an appointment at your local headspace centre or with your school counsellor.

I'm confident that with the right support and treatment you will get through this. Hang in there and plough on until you get the help you need.

Kind thoughts to you

[Ola]

Hi Loveyourself9,

Thanks for sharing how you've been feeling, you certainly are not alone. I've experienced panic attacks for years, once while I was hanging out the washing and I couldn't choose what to hang out next, it felt ridiculous at the time, but the experience of having a ringing in my ears, being short of breath and dizzy is always very real and scary.

You sound very emotionally aware and have a good understanding of what's causing your anxiety. I know that confronting the issues can be scary, but what's more scary, dealing with your issues face on, or continuing to experience anxiety attacks?

I don't know you or your parents, I don't know how they'd react. But based on what you've said it sounds like you're supported and loved. There's nothing wrong with you, you are who you are and liking boys and girls is a normal aspect of life. I'm actually kind of envious, you get to experience the joy and company of both amazing boys and girls.

As Summer Rose mentioned, perhaps having a chat with your doctor by yourself and organising a referral would be a great move. Just talking to someone can make all the difference in the world.

I guarantee it's not the first time he's had a discussion with somebody about anxiety, depression or sexuality. If you aren't comfortable speaking with your current doctor than perhaps find another.

I hope everything goes well for you my friend, you have a lot to look forward to.

Stay strong and take each day as it comes.