relationship vs school. anxiety

[colleen3]

I was diagnosed with anxiety about 6 years ago (when I was 11 maybe?) and stopped seeing someone after I could sleep easily. I think I still have it and mild depression but I wouldnt want to see anyone because I never talk to my parents about personal stuff.

Ive been dating someone for 8 months now and he lives close, has same interests as me, same personality type as me and super caring and kind etc. Ive had a few flings/relationships in the past (just high school ones I guess) and I was always the one that got dumped and that lead to really bad depression and thoughts like Im not good enough etc. Whenever I ask my now bf for reassurance he was always like "you have to trust me, Im not going anywhere" but recently he said we need to talk (Our communication is always good) but then said actually I dont want to because I know youll (me) get sad. I insisted he told me whats up and he said he never has really felt 100% with our relationship and that the relationship isnt as important and meaningful to him as me.

I have final high school exams in about two weeks and I know from the past if someone really bad emotionally happens to me, I just go numb and can't do anything (which he knows about). I then freaked out and said can we wait until after my exams to talk about this in case we talk and things go bad and he said of course but he then said he never ever wants to break up and he loves me etc just his emotions are hard to figure out (he has pretty bad undiagnosed depression and was told by a professional his mind tells him he isnt worthy of happiness which is what I think caused him to think he doesnt feel 100% about the relationship). Also, Im the type of person to rely heavily on those close to me where as he is someone who keeps everything to themselves so I come off as extremely clingy which I think he has compared his emotions to (eg she misses me 24/7 and i dont). I want to talk about how hes feeling now because its caused my anxiety to get really bad and now Im more stressed about him than my finals but I also dont want to talk until after my exams in case the outcome is bad and I go numb?

I asked him again today if he still likes me, wants to be with me etc and he said "yes" kind of bluntly. I told him my anxiety is getting really bad because my brains saying he doesnt but he just said "you have to trust me" like he usually does. I dont know what to do or how to cope with the stress of this and my exams.

[Here_I_am]

Hi coleen3,

I can only imagine the strange loop you find yourself in with the relationship stress and also exams looming!

You've made a really important step by reaching out and sharing with people who are not knee deep in the situation. Posting in a forum like this allows different perspectives to come to light, and I want to encourage you to keep looking for informed and safe opportunities to share what's going on for you. It's not to say that their is an answer or series of answers that will make everything 100% again, but if you can benefit from just one or two insights and strategies that make you feel okay for a day or even half a day, then that's a win!

I know it's extremely difficult, but can you think of any strategies that might allow you to focus on each issue separately? One of the things that anxiety and depression does to us is it takes everything we're feeling and it bundles it all up so we feel the same way about what we're planning to eat for breakfast as we do about the big stuff; being able to separate it out and focus on one issue at a time can be a helpful strategy for actually getting somewhere with our thoughts. You mentioned also that you once sought help for you sleeplessness. Posting here is a great start to reaching out for help, but do you think you could take just another step in that direction and talk openly and honestly with a GP or a school counselor? The relief we can feel just by saying everything out loud can sometimes be therapeutic in its own right.

The other thing I strongly recommend is good activity levels and healthy eating! Exercise is so beneficial for elevating our metabolism and mood, and healthy foods keep our bodies running efficiently. So much research has been done on the relationship between unhealthy food and the amount of work our bodies need to do to get rid of it. It can make us feel and think much more flat than when we enjoy healthier options coupled with healthy activity levels.

Sorry I don't have the one answer. I'm not sure it exists. But one thing I do encourage you toward is to keep talking.

Hope to hear from you soon.