A failure with no friends

[------]

I just failed my first exams at univeristy. I get to sit a supplementary exam, but I set really high standards for myself, and I have never done this badly before. I feel like a complete failure - being smart is the only feature about myself I like. I want an excuse, someone to blame, but there are none.

And I don't know anyone to talk to. I have given up on being honest with my parents, because it always ends with my parents talking about my problems to their friends and family without my consent. I then have to face these people, find out that they know things about me that I consider very private, and I feel awful and embarrassed, which I hate. I tell my family I haven't made many friends here because of COVID, but fact is I have never been good at making friends. I feel like I have nothing in common with other girls my age, and I just have no interests.

I feel empty. And if these years are meant to be the best years of my life, I dread the future.

Wondering if anyone else has felt this way, and has any tips?

[Sophie_M]

Hey there,

Welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low after receiving your exam results. We can hear how upset and disappointed you must be feeling, but please know that you are worth more than your university marks. It sounds like you are also feeling detached from those around you, and feeling as though you can't open up to others about how you're feeling. But please know that you don't have to keep these feelings bottled up inside, this is a safe, non-judgemental space for you to express your thoughts and feelings, and our caring community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need through this difficult time.

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our friends at Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under, and are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800, and online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/ We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available to you anytime by phone on 1300 22 4636 or through Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you, and can offer support and advice to help you through this.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi ------,

Thank you for reaching out here on the BB forums - your first 'failure' has rewarded you with courage to seek support and answers. Such is the irony of perception!

Have you perhaps taken the 'result' as the only reason for studying? Do you really measure yourself by a percentage? I think you know there is so much more to you than that, and true character is the product of many failures and how you rise above them.

Okay, you failed this set of exams (and, frankly, it's not surprising with all the covid nonsense - how can anyone really focus?) but you will use this to drive you to greater things as a result. Being brave to stand up to anyone and say "Yeah, I failed that, so what?" is a sign of maturity to identify and accept your shortcomings and not let yourself be defined by 'instances' in your life (- this will come in very handy in your future also).

That said, you may wish to have a chat to your Uni counselling service as they would be well aware of your feeling and have helpful advice.

Also, if you could join one of the many campus groups, you may find moral support through mutually shared experiences during the course of your studies - friendships are bound to arise as a bonus.

Even though this has been a shock for you, please don't equate it with feelings of dread for the future - you are smart and will learn to be smarter along with many other valuable lessons to enhance your self awareness and personal development.

Regards,

t.

Yes, you too will look back on these years with fondness.

Regards,

t.

[Here_I_am]

Hello!

Uni... I am 44 and still in it! 🙂

I want to encourage you to tune in to those who have been in uni for a while, and if you feel you can, ask a few questions about their experiences. I have heard so many stories of people starting one degree and changing mid way through because they didn't like it, or were failing too many units and needed to change because the ship was un-salvageable. I have also heard many stories of people who failed an exam or unit on their journey... but are now just fine academically and personally. At the time things were hard and many questions were asked about the point of it all, etc., but life went on and things did get better.

In regard to friendships, I genuinely think the world is changing. I remember as a young person, there was always a game of cricket or football going on in someone front or back yard, and we were out all the time - but these days there is none of that. My daughters don't go out with their friends, and even their friends list seems small and constantly changing. The youth in the programs within which I work spend more time worrying about what facebook posts mean that they do engaging with actual people - I believe the idea of physically close 'friends' that were the inspiration for the sitcom of the same name is the rare experience rather than the common one these days. As I said, I am 44, and I would say I have maybe two people in my life that I could call upon that would not find it weird that I've reached out to them. I know a lot of people, but friends... no. And that's not by choice. And as I look around at many other people, I don't see too many differences in their reality either.

So, keep talking to us acquaintances. Know that there are myriad third year students at your uni with a fail or two under their belts too. Keep posting here, and if you can, find someone whom you can talk to in person such as the recommended lists of services in Sophie_M's post. Just talking it through out loud can be so therapeutic in its own right!

Hope to hear from you soon.

[lonelyglassesgirl]

And if these years are meant to be the best years of my life, I dread the future.

I just wanted to say with regards to this... it gets better. When I was suffering severe anxiety during high school, my mum would always hit me with the "best years of your life" line, and it really hurt. Like you, I thought that that meant that the future would be even worse. Plus, it creates a secondary level of anxiety and guilt about feeling unhappy. But I've found that as I've gotten older, things have gotten better in many ways.

It's a myth that there is some predetermined time of your life that will be better than others. On top of that (not that this is necessary to "justify" your not enjoying it), this year has been really hard for everyone. It's not a normal year of university, and my heart goes out to everyone for whom it is their first year, especially.

I believe that things will get better for you, and please don't feel bad about feeling unhappy, now or at any other time.