Relationship Anxiety

[ND1234]

Hi everyone

I'm a first time poster on this site but I really wanted to get some advice.

I'm a 28 year old guy and I've suffered from anxiety for most of my life. It started by manifesting as homesickness when I was a kid, then it turned in whatever else I couldn't be certain about.

Now it has settled on my relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months, but we have really been together for a year (we met, got together and then she travelled for 6 months). She's wonderfully affectionate when we are together but she is also incredibly driven and has explained to me on numerous occasions that when she works, she has blinders on to the world. I've never been with a girl is this independent and someone who really does need their own space.

The problem is, my anxiety has grabbed hold of every element of uncertainty about my relationship. My gf is having a very rough time at the moment as her job future is uncertain, she's living with her folks and she constantly fights with her Mum and one of her best friends just tried to harm himself (I don't know the details). But because she has become distant my anxiety has convinced me that there is something else wrong. We saw each other two weeks ago and it was amazing and incredibly affectionate. But the moment that changes I can't think about anything else! I can't eat, there is literally no food that I want and the thought of eating makes me feel sick.

The only thing that takes the edge of is alcohol. I drink far to much, but it's the only thing that takes the edge of the anxiety. I am also on an antidepressant and I see a therapist, but I can't get these issues out of my head. To the point where if I sent her a message and she responded in a way that wasn't what I wanted, I freak out!

I want to be able to focus on my own things and not have this anxiety keep me compulsively thinking about 'what if' there is a problem with my relationship.

I would really appreciate any advice and support from you guys, I have found reading forums very helpful. If someone has had a similar experience, please let me know, I would love to talk about it.

Thanks guys

ND

[Zeal]

Hi ND,

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you've come here, as this is a very supportive community.

I'm a 22 year old female, and I have also been in a relationship for 6 months. I've had OCD (anxiety condition) since I was 13, and I also get general anxiety. It's unfortunate that anxiety causes one to overanalyse situations and interactions with others. If you haven't already, I suggest you talk to your girlfriend about this anxiety and the effect it has on you and how you interpret things. Being honest and open is really helpful in these situations. My boyfriend knows I have OCD, which is now manageable with the help of SSRI medication and lifestyle factors; such as having strong support from family, friends and my boyfriend; eating good meals and having snacks like nuts and fruit for energy; aiming to get enough sleep (though sometimes I get mild insomnia, so I don't always achieve this); keeping up with uni work etc..

An anxiety condition can often cause one to feel a lack of control. I find being organised is helpful, and can have a calming effect. I keep a diary of everything I need to do, so that I don't lie awake at night trying to remember what I have to do tomorrow. If you are overwhelmed by thoughts and worries, try writing them down, such as before you go to sleep. You could do this on a Word doc and then delete it, or on scrap paper, or in a journal.

As you likely know, alcohol can negatively interact with antidepressants. Make sure to keep your therapist fully informed about your alcohol use, your lack of appetite, and how you feel and are coping generally. Do you have a family member or close friend who knows about this anxiety you're experiencing? For me, my Mum has been a lifesaver for me during my struggles with OCD and general anxiety. My boyfriend is amazingly supportive, and makes me feel really loved.

It sounds to me as though your relationship is strong, and that you two have an affectionate bond 🙂 Your girlfriend's complex life circumstances would make it hard for her to be emotionally content. Based on your post, it seems to me that you have a healthy relationship that can withstand this difficult time in your girlfriend's life, as well as your anxiety. Whenever you receive a text message or a call and start to overanalyse it, just remind yourself of the multiple stressors in your girlfriend's life. You are not one of those stressors. In fact, you would be a great help for her and her happiness.

Best wishes,

SM

[ND1234]

Hi SM

Wow, your response was extraordinarily helpful!

Since writing my post on 25 Nov, I have cut down the drinking and start working out 4 times a week again and I have to say I feel remarkably better.

Though my anxiety isn't gone, I feel like I have a better handle on it. It's the little things that I think made the biggest difference (stopping drinking so much was huge mind you!) like realising the difference between fact and fiction, or taking the time to question why I'm anxious in the first place. I also watched a video which discussed the idea that anxiety is the fear that something in the future will happen that will have a negative impact......but how are we to know that what happens won't be better in the end? It may seem at the time to be the worst case scenario, but what if it's not?

Things like that have been a big help, as has your post. It's great to know that there are others who have the same kind of anxiety.

Thank you again for your post, I appreciate it more than I can say.

ND

[Zeal]

Hi ND,

Thanks for the positive reply! I really appreciate it 🙂 I am so happy for you that you've cut down your drinking and enjoy working out! You are making great progress, and can be proud of yourself for that.

Best wishes,

SM

[geoff]

dear ND, sorry to jump on board and the reply from SM was excellent, I need to acknowledge her but this could be part of my OCD, but no, I don't believe that it is.

To have a girlfriend who is so affectionate means the world, you couldn't have wished for anything better, but there are times when we need a bit of space, because this maintains a better relationship.

Try and get your girlfriend to actually talk to you about she is worried about, because this will lessen your anxiety.

The biggest trouble when we have OCD is 'doubt', compared to someone else who doesn't have this illness but has depression is that everything is negative, mind you both have a terrible feeling, but with OCD we have the 'what if' plus the negative feeling.

' What happens won't be better in the end', well that's a scenario that nobody knows, we would certainly love to know but there's no magic Jeannie bottle. Geoff.

[loouuiiee]

Dear ND,

I'm new to this whole forum thing so I'm not too sure what I'm doing but I feel I have some similarities to your situation so here it goes...

(feel free to ask me any questions if you like)    🙂

I am a 23year old female, have general anxiety disorder and I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now.

I've had a pretty tough life & I am notoriously untrusting of people and fiercely independent because I feel I have had to be that way in the past to survive.

My boyfriend has pretty much been my knight in shining armour since the day we met, but due to my generally untrusting nature I have never been very affectionate.

I spent a long time pushing him away, and now because of how I have treated him I fear he is pushing me away.

I'm really trying to get myself sorted and learn that it is ok to trust him and show him affection, because I want to so badly, but its hard for me. I panic when I have a conversation with my partner and he doesnt say what I was hoping he would say.

He is becoming more and more independent & taking up hobbies & I feel excluded from them.

I conjure up all kinds of possibilities about what this could mean & work myself up.

He says everything is fine, but I am always worrying that we are drifting apart.

I'm unsure if this will interest you, if I can answer any of your questions, and if I can help you at all, but I am willing to try 🙂

however all in all I wish you the best & am willing to help if I can.