Out of place

[Guest_10307]

I have always struggled with thoughts people just don't like me. 

I overthink every interaction, examine every facial expression, everything said in every conversation and my head tells me- 'We don't like you, your boring- if you were to disappear tomorrow we wouldn't care." 

I burn myself out trying to people please - and I always need perfection from myself. I judge myself, even writing this- and by the time it's actually published (if I eventually hit post) you can guarantee its been re-written 50 times because I wasn't happy with how I portray myself. 

So with these two factors in play, I am so lonely- yet in a social setting often too scared to speak because the perfectionist in me doesn't want to say the wrong thing. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the support forum. If you look around this Anxiety Section I think you will  find others who have been in the same circumstances and what they did to cope.

What caught my eye was your perfectionism, I too was in a place where I would spend ages trying to find the right words, with may crossings out , and in the process spending so much time on one thing I'd not have time for others 😞

At the same time I felt I could do no right in social situations and would spend a lot of time going over interactions again and again in a hopeless loop.

I was not able to 'fix' myself, and tended to ignore the advice of those that cared about me, in fact on occasions I was quite short them them. Eventually however I was persuaded to seek clinical help and was very surprised to find I had a mental health anxiety issue which needed treatment. Up till then I'd thought it was just me.

Things have changed out of sight now and I have confidence, very rarely find my self on the hamster wheel of going over thoughts, and no longer demand of my self what I do is perfect (as an example I'm only writing this once, not tweaking it umpteen times.)

I think my improvment has been part medication. That took a long tme to find the right sort and quantities that did not leave me with strong aftereffects. It has been partly due to therapy, I've found 'talk therapy' with a psychiatrist by far the best, and partly due to family support.

Having anxiety under control has been a great release for me, and my life is enjoyable as a result. I hope the same becomes true for you

If you felt like returning I would like to know how you get on

Croix

[therising]

A huge warm welcome to you 🙂

I think one of the toughest things to do in life is manage the different aspects of us that have come to life in one way or another, for one reason or another. How to manage the perfectionist in us, the stresser in us, the pessimist, the analyst, the people pleaser, our inner critic and more? Can be a lot to manage. I've found over the years that the following has made some difference to me

1. Developing a solid sense of self. For example 'I'm not a stresser but I have a stresser in me. I'm not a pessimist but I have somewhat of a pessimist in me, that can be triggered at times and needs to be managed' etc etc
2. Identifying the nature of each facet or aspect of self. For example, while my inner critic can be helpful at times while sounding a little like 'You can do better than that' (which may be true), it can lead to a healthy sense of self development and the achievement of personal bests. At its worst though, it can become incredibly brutal and depressing if I'm not careful. Kind of like the people pleaser in us. While the people pleaser in us can lead us to be incredibly pleasant and helpful, in a way that leads us to be more conscious of pleasing or helping others, it can be a mongrel to work with when it insists we never get to please or help ourself or be our true/natural self
3. Working on developing an opposing nature. For example, while the analyst in me can be brilliant at leading me to analyse the hell out of things (like what can feel like hell on earth), at its most extreme it can lead me to become obsessive and compulsive, which can lead to a degree of disorder in life. If we've become obsessed with analysing everything, technically we're too busy thinking as opposed to actively or constructively living our life. Developing a carefree or thoughtless aspect of self that is highly constructive can offer occasional relief 
4. Getting a feel for or sense of which part of myself is in play and what has triggered it to come to life at any given moment. For example, I could say 'I can feel the people pleaser in me coming to life when I'm around other people who I wish to be liked or accepted by' or 'I can sense this inner dialogue coming from the people pleaser in me which insists I don't create conflict or challenge of any kind' 
5. Developing a key part of myself that keeps the reigns on facets that can get out of control. Personally, I like to call this one 'my inner sage'. When the stresser in me is leading me to imagine the worst, I can tap into the sage which may dictate 'Calm down. Just take it one step at a time'. If my inner pessimist is bringing me down, I might tap into the sage which dictates 'You're looking at it from the wrong perspective'. Just a couple of examples. If there is nothing to reign in certain parts of ourself, those parts can end up having free reign over our lives 

One of the greatest challenges in life is definitely self mastery, something that comes with greater self understanding.

[Guest_10307]

Thank you, I have found myself in such a hole lately.

I changed jobs the beginning of this year. I went from one where I was useful to everybody-burning myself out but also, trodden upon - I wasn't respected. Now in the same organisation, but a job where I'm not nearly as in demand from my coworkers to do things for them but one where I am in control and I need them. A total shift.

As I have no friends, its made me feel so much more lonely because I'm not in demand at all. 

So now my weekends are alone as they always have been- often spent killing time and trying not to think about the fact life seems to be passing me as I stay stationary, but so are my weekdays (even though I'm in an office full of people). 

And then I start wondering why none of these people I work with want to socialise with me- I am always sure never to be disparaging about others - my Nanna drilled the "If you don't have something nice to say about others, don't say anything at all" mantra into me, I go out of my way to be accomodating, I genuinely care for people when they aren't themselves (what if they feel like me). But I just feel I must be too boring for them all because I'm quiet and don't "rock the boat" so to speak. 

I've been told to try to join community groups but it's not as easy as it sounds. Again, I walk in- I know no-one, people either stay in their clicks in which case I feel I'm interrupting - or I have a couple of small talk conversations that fizzle. 

If there was one with animals, I might go better. I have more conversations with dogs and cats than people. 

If it wasn't for my two little furry companions here in my unit, I'm honestly not sure if I'd still be here. 

Family is a tough one- my dad also suffers depression, as well as my sister. And to them, I've always been the even tempo, referred to as such. I've always had to worry about them if they have a slump, my father in particular I am always trying to make sure he's feeling wanted and not a burden (see where I get it from). 

I don't want them to worry about me if I was to say I'm struggling. I've always felt responsible for them. 

I've actually been on medication for the last 10 years, however it was decided with my GP to taper off as I'm honestly not sure after all this time it did me much good. I just retreated, matured and lived with being closed off. So after all the brain zaps- the crashes, now 2 months without, I'm pretty much just as I was on it. 

I needed this, an outlet where I don't have to worry. 

[Guest_59597180]

I could’ve written your post, almost word for word. I don’t have much offer you except that you’re not alone. I’m sorry that you are experiencing such a rough time. I know what you’re going through and it takes a lot of courage to get through each day.

[Guest_10307]

Once again it's Friday afternoon and I'm feeling lost, and full of dread. I have nowhere to be, nothing to do. But what's also starting to play on my mind is its coming to that time of year again I feel more left out than ever. Forgotten. 

People discussing going out with their friends to watch the finals football, what they'll be doing for the long weekend coming up, shopping for Christmas Party attire. 

I've felt this year after year, and it only gets worse when I feel life is just passing me and I'm stuck in mud. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Being at home regularly by yourself on a weekend can be a most isolating time and lead you think it is you , rather than others, who is the problem.

Rather than staying at home, something that magnifies the problem, have you considered having a regular commitment at weekends? I use volunteering a lot and find it certainly fills my life and leaves little tme for myself. It has the advantage I meet new people, most of whom are different to colleges and are there due to kind and altruistic natures.

Volunteering covers a vast number of jobs, and most are not trivial, but very necessary

What do you think?

Croix

[Guest_10307]

@Croix

I just don’t have the confidence to do that again. 
I’d tried a couple before, one at a rescue which just left my crying leaving those dogs there- and the other I picked up a stalker which quickly got out of hand. 

I know the latter is just an unfortunate and hopefully unusual situation, but it’s left me very uneasy. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I think if I were to go to an animal rescue place I would not survive, I'd want to take them all home and could not bear it if nobody chose them. Each has its own character and most have something to endear them, it is so very sad.

Being stalked from a volunteer place is most unusual, I've been volunteering for many years in a number of places, from uni to museum to ... well umpteen. Each time I've left with reluctance because my circumstances have changed and while I cannot say I universally liked every other volunteer I've ever worked with none have ever stepped out of line. One was bossy and several did not pull their weight, and that was it.

I've never been stalked so do not really know what that feels like, you have my sympathy. Still I'd suggest you try again in a different area, it does beat living in isolation. 

If anyone acts untoward out of establishment times a word with that person  mentioning the police may be all it takes. (take a friend or third party may help). It is unfair if this happens but retreating may not be the answer for you own self esteem even if it seems the easiest path at the time.

Yes, I know, easy for me to say, still maybe something to think about.

Getting out of the house and isolation is important for your welfare

Croix

[Guest_10307]

Hi Croix, 

I confess I'm also commitment-phobic. The moment I feel tied into something I want to flee. I know I am my own worst enemy. 

I tried a psychologist again yesterday, but it didn't really work for me. I can't afford the ones I feel match what I need, even with the Medicare help. The psychologist I saw yesterday bulk billed, but I didn't feel heard- he just kept looking at the clock and asked questions that indicated he wasn't listening well. I realize this might happen a bit before I can find one that fits, but I was disheartened. 

I've been googling things like crazy as to what I can do, just to have someone to chat to. As I have discovered however, googling chatrooms is not ideal. 

I've thought about sporting teams- but scared again I will let others down as I've not done anything like that in years. The next thing on my hit list is lawn bowls, though I'm only in my 30's I do find the older generation much easier to talk to than my own- and they might be more forgiving if I'm completely hopeless. 

I'm very open to any suggestions at all. 

When I feel down and alone, often as I am, I just want people in the ether I can talk crap with.