like what it is this? why am i this way, pls?

[partyallthetime]

i don't understand why i react the way i do. i don't understand why i act and hurt other people the way i do. 

i’m not particularly suicidal; i just need advice, help and hope please.

i didn't see the sun today.

i sat inside all saturday, watching fleabag and new girl.

i'd like to change someone's life, to really pinpoint meaning into somebody else's life, to be a pillar of change.

but i don't know how to do that, and i don't know how to change.

i feel like everything else is beautiful in its way, and i think maybe i should get a penpal, in prison or something, and be grateful for all that i have.

even when i'm trying to be grateful, i feel selfish, comparing my life to somebody else.

i feel this weird mixture of extreme loneliness, but extreme gratitude for all the love i'm recieving in this mess.

gratitude is all i have to give

i could go to this party next week

full of people that i'm scared of, that i think hate me

and the boy that i'm on at the moment, that i kinda like

but i'm kind of scared of

i'm scared because i don't know anything

i never know how people really feel

and i had a dream that he told me that he was angry at me, because we did something really vulnerable, and then i kept hiding from speaking about it

i heard he likes me, and i validated that physically, before i knew he liked me

but i don't know how i feel about him

my two best friends, at school, last week cut me off.

they didnt really.

one called me to talk about the issues we'd been having

and then i sent things in a similar direction with the other,

that we're just not that similar anymore, or that good for eachother.

and then i walked away from everyone and sat alone.

because that felt like the only choice i had

even though i have a million choices

i shape my reality.

i box myself into this silence everyday.

where do i go from here?

when i think everybody already dislikes me,

and i'm so anxious i cant speak,

and i'm now alone

where do i go from here?

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum. When answers to things in your life are not clear it is a good place to come, as many others will have felt the same.

You have written a very clear account of your thoughts, the difficulties you have speaking with people, not knowing how they think - or on some occasions how you regard them.

Going ot a party is a chore -not fun. Talking with best friends is confusing and does not have the results you might like. You would like to make you mark in the world, help peple and be acknowledged.

I have an anxiety condition and at one stage felt interacting with others was too difficult and made me feel bad. As I result I tended to cut myself off more and more from others.

If everything had continued on that way I too would have

"i box myself into this silence everyday.

where do i go from here?

when i think everybody already dislikes me,

and i'm so anxious i cant speak,

and i'm now alone" -apart from pets.

Fortunately I received assistance, therapy and medication, together with family support. This has over time changed my whole life around, I enjoy talking with others, I do not worry they will dislike me, and if I say somethng that is misunderstood I go back and explain what I meant.

No, I've not managed to do anything earth-shattering 🙂 Maybe next week

As clinical assistance made such a difference to my life (and those around me) can I suggest you see your GPO and explain how you feel - or even print out and show your post. Ask to be tested and see what happens.

I'd be pleased if you wanted to come back and talk some more

Croix

[partyallthetime]

hey croix,

thankyou so much for all the guidance and also relating with your own experience. i saw this reply a while back, but never responded, sorry. i guess i was just trying to feel better about what had happened and i didn't want to look back on any of the messy things i did in that process.

i just remembered about this though, and came back to see how different this advice feels, and thankyou, this is extremely helpful.

i've been seeing a psychologist for a while, maybe a year or two, trying to understand patterns of behaviour; mainly to past family relationships and just things with medication for ADHD. in the last month though, i began to be much more honest, with others and myself, about feeling so anxious and avoidant so often. and it has helped so much. i'm so happy that this made positive change in your life too!

i struggle with easily being able to articulate things but not feeling the actual thing. anger especially has been very dampened in the last few years, to the point now where i have probably been angry maybe 3 times this year. i am so happy to be realising this though, and to be able to speak to somebody about it. the more that i feel, the more i gain energy back, and i feel like i have a purpose each day. there is no big thing i need to achieve, i am content in my life day to day.

i just graduated high school, and it feels crazy but also like what i've always wanted. i can do what i'd like, i'm so blessed for all the oppurtunity and support i have from my friends and family. i'm taking time to try and take care of my body, fix my diet, my sleep, and most importantly work on really feeling things. i think, at least for my experience this year, depression was very much a blanket feeling that allowed me to overlook any other emotion. it was like a dampener on any anger, frustration, and irriationality. i was angry at these friends for leaving me behind. i knew that this was not really what really happened, and i knew this at the time to, so i tried to reason my way out of anger or sadness. they didn't leave me behind, and i was not a burden to them, i did not suck their energy from them. but as i understand now, whether these things be true or not, they were a feeling that really motivated my actions and relations to people. things just didnt work out at the time, and i still think of reaching out sometimes, maybe at a point where i'm a bit more intune with my feelings, and be able to have that same friendship but with new dynamics. not with the same issues of me going silent, them not knowing what to do, and then this reversing. i truly believe that anything can change, and i feel so positive about the future.

this year has changed me so much, but a lot for the better. and though i still feel lonely at times, and i miss these people so much, i am so grateful for all i have had, and all that i have been able to learn this year.

i guess i kind of came back to just say that too. that when this happened, i knew that things would be better someday, i wouldnt feel so bad someday, but i had no idea how that could happen, or when. i wouldn't say its perfect, it never is, but i am just so grateful for my life, and so full of love for the world, and the future that i get to envision for myself. all the things i will be blessed to do. just, it truly does get better, and when it gets worse again, it always does get better. the world does not fall on your shoulders.

 thankyou so much for your advice and help, i hope you are doing well too! this really helped me thankyou ❤️