Dear Butterfly.Wings.of.Hope,
Love the username, by the way! Um, so first of all, well done for reaching out. I know sometimes it's tough to tell people about what is really going on, especially when our ego's are busy telling us we 'should' be better than what we are. One piece of advice given to me, was to stop 'shoulding' myself. That the word 'could' is better. For example, "I could use this time to put first in my life, the thing that is most important, and that is my health and wellbeing."
The other thing is that I have sort of had a similar situation. Sort of?
About 20 or 21 years ago, I was engaged to be married to my first fiance, when a big, very bad secret he had, became exposed and he was sentenced to 12 months jail. Obviously our relationship fell apart because had been so incredibly dishonest and harmful to others ....... but so too did I. Fall apart, that is.
I'd been in that particular job for about six months and has started out great, but then he was charged and the truth came out and I just crumbled into what felt like a million pieces. I would go from feeling homicidal to suicidal and back again, many times, on a daily basis. And everyone around me could see that I had fallen apart. My friends and family did what they could to help, but I just could not seem to get out from under the horrible blackest of black clouds I had ever experienced. To this very day, it remains to be the worst bout of depression I have ever had.
Finally one day my boss called me into the office and said to me "I don't know what has happened, but I know you're not doing very well. I want to offer you the chance to deal with whatever it is, by keeping you on, but putting you back one level, and perhaps re-training you?" .... it meant taking a cut in pay (by about one third) and shifting to a different department. And I remember thinking 'Yeah. I'll do it. Enough's enough. I don't want to live like this any more.' .... so I squared my shoulders and said "Yes. I'll do whatever it takes to get well again."
And to this day, I can honestly say that he fair dinkum helped to save my life. I would not be here if it weren't for him making that tough call and doing the only thing he had any power to do. All I had to do was accept the help. Money is important yes, but so too is your health. Take the time you need.
I am running out of room now, so I'll sign off by saying I wish you all the very best in getting well again.
Take care. xo
