On How A Good Thing Can Lead to a Bad Place

[thedeadlycake]

This is a very tricksey trick of the anxious brain. You can start out full of inspiration and good intention and end up in full blown anxiety - the type that starts drifting really quickly towards depression.

I've been spending more and more time thinking about what it is I really want to do with my life. I am really committed to the idea of helping other people who are similar to me make that first step in getting help and living a life that isn't dictated by their anxiety. 

I've been joining websites and forums and filling in volunteer application forms where ever I can find opportunities. Normally I would find an excuse not to do this but I have pushed through and done it anyway. 

The problem is that good intention is quite rapidly turning to frustration. I am yet to actually find something I can do. The ideas I have I am just not in a position to get out to an audience wider than my FB friends. 

I'm not in a position to make a difference at work. 

I've been listening to podcasts and reading about some really inspirational people who have made a real difference in their lives and I start to think I will never do this. 

My anxious brain tells me I am not good enough to do anything more with my life. Some of the people I've listened to have done great work from leadership roles. Something I can't see anyway of getting into again.

Frustration makes me want to scream. I really feel like I could be doing good but I just don't know how. I am reaching out but not getting any answers. 

I've caught myself feeling like this and it is really interesting how quickly the anxious brain can turn inspiration and positivity into frustration. Almost as if it just wants to fuel anxiety and depression.

Even as I write I realise I need to cultivate patience. I need to recognise the trickesy brain and have some faith in myself to find an opportunity. The brain is trying to make me frustrated so I will just give up. But I won't let it.

Mindfulness can be like a super power but at the moment I think mine is less trained than it could be. I was quite far into this particular piece of suffering before I recognised it for what it is.

It's is interesting that at the moment the default mode of my brain is to lean towards anxiety and depression. Self-sabotaging even good intention and positivity. 

I hope with more engagement in more formal mindful practice I can really begin the process of rewiring my brain to the point where the default mode is positive! 

[Zeal]

Hi DC,

I too am familiar with this anxious brain state. It is great you want to help others. Experiencing mental illness led me to realise that I am interested in psychology. I have one year left of a psychology degree, and I am slowly getting some experience through volunteering, and job training I recently got accepted for. It's fantastic that you're actively seeking out opportunities and information, and are forging on through your anxiety. Try not to overwhelm yourself with too many expectations and pressures, however.

Small steps can still get you there in the long-run. Inspirational people often overcome many obstacles and must build up their knowledge and respect from others over time, often with some setbacks. A healthy dose of positivity can really improve your wellbeing and even your prospects. However, it is important to accept the fact that most people cannot and do not need to be happy and joyful all of the time. Occasional sadness and other 'less desirable' emotions are natural to experience, so long as they don't overpower the positive emotions. Without sadness and these other emotions, happiness would not seem as positive and special.

If you have not sought help for anxiety, making an appointment with your GP is a good idea. And if you want to talk further, don't hesitate to post again on this thread (or elsewhere on the forum).

Best wishes,

SM

[elizabeths90]

Dear thedeadlycake, 

Join the club! I feel you! I will dream about having a career or volunteer position where I honestly help and guide people through hard times. Or make a positive difference to their life. 

Though I find this hard, I have many great intentions and ideas and get carried away with them to find that I will push them aside - maybe out of fear of failing? Or getting overwhelmed? Not sure! Then I get frustrated and anxious/depressed with myself because I've done this or have gotten no where further then where I started. 

I look to widen my circle of friends or people I know, and meet people with similar ideals and goals and this never happens. I then will blame myself for not putting effort in or avoid the thought. 

 I to am learning and trying to rewire the brain to default to a more positive out look and be happy about where I am with my life and accept that I am doing a good job, that my life is GOOD, that I do help people and make a difference. Just like you! 

[thedeadlycake]

@SM - thanks for your comments. My journey started about a year ago with realising my anxiety was not just a personality defect. I sort help via my GP and got into therapy with a really good psychologist. A combination of medication, meditation and mindfulness has helped me get over many aspects of my anxiety. Learning these skills and tools has filled me with a huge desire to help connect other fellow sufferers to them. I was anxious my whole life and I could have suffered so much less if I had asked for help earlier!

@elizabeths90 It's always good to know that we are not alone! I find it interesting that the anxious brain can somehow find suffering in something that starts out as positive! I think the good thing is that as I wrote this out this morning I realised what was going on (the piece of writing changed as I wrote it) and I think I probably just need to really cultivate some patience and be kinder to myself. How will I be any good at showing kindness and compassion to others if I can show it to myself?!