OCD scary thoughts and anxiety - need help!

Anxiousvanilla · ‎12-12-2016

Hi to those reading this post. This is my first post on this website as I feel like I have hit boiling point with my symptoms. I'm in my mid 20's and have been dealing with on and off OCD behaviour, obsessive scary thoughts, anxiety and depression since I was in my early teens. To be honest, until today, I had no idea what I was dealing with as I thought I was 'going crazy' and turning into a 'psycho'.. or so I kept saying to my boyfriend. I have been having disturbing thoughts about harming myself and the ones I love since I was a kid and would obsess over these thoughts to the point that I would get physically sick (diarrhoea, nausea etc), hot flushes, heart palpitations etc. I always felt like there was a black cloud hanging over me and I would just feel horrible and guilty for having these horrible thoughts. This would last for weeks on end and then I would be okay for a while and something would trigger these thoughts again... usually scary movies or disturbing stories about people hurting themselves or others. I know I am a good person and have a big conscience and could never hurt myself or others but I would obsess over the fact that these thoughts would even come up in my mind. For example, my dad died from a blood clot to the heart a few years ago and through all the horrible grief and emotions, an obsessive thought came up where I thought "OMG what if I did something that led to his death". like as if I made his tea with bad milk or something that could have hurt him. This thought scared me so much that I couldn't be alone for ages and needed my friends and family to be around me all the time to distract me.. I know that he died from natural causes but I had this horrible guilt and anxiety from one silly thought! Today, I told my boyfriend all about these horrible thoughts and anxious OCD behaviours I have dealt with in cycles since I was a kid and that's when I made the diagnosis..thanks google! I even will move objects or fix things because I think bad things will happen if I dont. I just want to know that I am not alone and suggestions on how I can get through this and overcome it. These horrible thoughts were somehow triggered last week and have been plaguing me all week to the point where I am too scared to be alone with my own thoughts, or not be completely distracted with activities. Any help or guidance from fellow members would mean the world to me. Thank you if you are still reading this massive post. I appreciate it so much.

romantic_thi3f · ‎13-12-2016

Hey Anxiousvanilla,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us and deciding to share what's been going on for you.

It sounds like you've been dealing with these OCD symptoms for a while now and I'm sorry you've managed to find your diagnosis through Google! Have you considered talking to your GP or a Psychologist about what you've learned and been going through? They would be the best point of call and they can help you through with finding different strategies to work for you.

There are certainly a few different strategies and self-help ways to go down such as support groups (depending on where you live), helplines - such as the OCD and Anxiety helpline from Anxiety Recovery Centre Victoria OCD and Anxiety Helpline (1300 269 438 or 03 9830 0533). Note this number is for all of Australia not just Victoria.

You may also want to consider looking at mindfulness techniques as this can be helpful for OCD.

Zeal · ‎13-12-2016

Hi Anxiousvanilla,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been dealing with these debilitating symptoms of OCD and anxiety for well over a decade, as well as feeling depressed, and have not received help. Like romantic thief, I think it's crucial for you to see a doctor (GP). They can refer you to a professional for further help, such as a psychologist. You deserve to have professional help ASAP.

I have OCD and anxiety too. I was diagnosed with OCD 10 years ago, at the age of 13. My OCD fears are germs and illness. I compulsively wash my hands, and I feel dirty after being in certain places. I used to need objects to be a certain way, but that has never been as dominant as my need for cleanliness.

In addition to seeing a doctor, I recommend The OCD Workbook by Hyman and Pedrick. Whether you start reading it now, have it as a reference point, or obtain a copy sometime in the near future, I feel this book would be a great help. I had the entire book photocopied for me by a mental health nurse, and I still have it now, and have referred to it numerous times. I also recommend saving these links to your computer to refer to:

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=37 (depression)

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46 (anxiety)

It seems as though your boyfriend is supportive and understanding, though this is just my intuition. Being able to talk freely about what's concerning you is helpful. I'm the same with my boyfriend. However, it's worth him having a look at these pages anyway: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety and https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

You can read about others' personal experiences of OCD and mental illness by looking at threads within forum categories. The category anxiety has a bunch of OCD threads, for instance. To find things faster, you can type in the key word (e.g. OCD) into the search bar in the top right of this website. Once you've clicked search, the left-hand side has options for refining the results.

If you have any questions or would like to talk more about your situation, you can post back here at any stage 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

Lonely22 · ‎15-12-2016

AV, how are you doing? I have severe OCD past 4 years now, and constantly fluctuating in severity depending on situation. Yeah I self diagnosed w Google to begin with, then I needed something more concrete, to get actual help, so went to psychologist. The intrusive thoughts, obsessions you're dealing with sound really difficult to live with. I'm alone so have no one for support, and outlook doesn't look bright in terms of finding supportive friends, oh well. I have thoughts of otherwise basic, everyday things that others wouldn't think twice about, and then I just can't get over them, even if I do, another topic comes up and it's another 8 months b4 I make strides. The fact you recognise these thoughts as irrational is a huge step in overcoming. Can't stress enough early intervention, I've never capitalised on the idea though

BballJ · ‎15-12-2016

Hi Anxiousvanilla,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Just wanted to reach out to let you know, you are definitely not alone with what you are feeling, that sounds like OCD and Anxiety wrapped up in one big ball. One thing you said resonated with me "You move object or fix things or else bad things will happen"... I have dealt with that for years, If i don't set my alarm in a certain way, or if i move something from one location to another, bad things will happen, I don't know where it started but I have been doing it for as long as I can remember, even used to have glasses of water in my room every night, even though I would never drink it even if I woke up thirsty, I would get up and go and to the kitchen, so believe me I understand where you are coming from and it feels dark and lonely. Just know you are not alone in this battle.

Have you been to see a psychologist to start working through all of this to try and help you cope better with all the stuff you have listed?

My best for you,

Jay

geoff · ‎16-12-2016

hello AV, welcome to the site and thanks for being brave enough to post your comment, but what you are feeling is what we call 'intrusive thoughts' which can happen to most people with OCD, they have for me as I've had OCD for 56 years, just as the people who have replied also know what this illness can do to you.
You comment says it all 'move objects or fix things because I think bad things will happen if I dont', that's exactly what OCD will make you do, you can't help it even though you believe that it's something that makes you feel crazy, it's not, but people who don't understand the symtoms think that you are abnormal, well that means that I've been abnormal for 56 years, but no I'm not, because here I am replying back to you, and neither you, me or the others involved are sensible people who have a disease which we may have learnt to get or it was inherited down to us from previous generations.
Mine was learnt because I tried to do things that would stop my g/parents from passing away so that 'bad things would not happen if I checked the lock 4 or 5 times, but then I was stuck with having this illness and 56years is a long time.
These intrusive thoughts could be best explained by 'explain intrusive thoughts' which you can google, but for me after all these years I have learnt that they never come true, even though at first I was petrified, but then I kept thinking to myself 'could I possibily ever do what I am thinking' and the answer was no I couldn't, this is something that you won't be able to teach yourself overnight, and that's where a bit of willpower and small bit of strength to continually tell yourself 'why would I want to do this'.
If you also google 'OCD' there is an enormous section on OCD which is linked up to BB.
Please reply back to us because it's a topic I like to talk about. Geoff.

Verita · ‎23-12-2016

Dear Anxiousvanilla,

I have had worrying thoughts since i can remember as early as 8 yrs old, the obsessive tendencies manifesting in various ways, like having to put a cup in a certain way or angle or the right spot otherwise it could mean something bad. Ridiculous stuff like this which i can now discount and overide not all of the time but i challenge these kind of thoughts. It has changed over the years what ive obsessed over . Recently for me ..The intrusive thoughts towards my son are the most emotionally traumatic for me and i felt like am i turning into some kind of psycho. I also find it hard to be on my own, especially by myself with my son as im scared of having disturbing thoughts around him and recently i ve been terrified of inappropriate touch and boundaries to the point that i find it even difficult to give him a hug, this has been my current dilemma. It breaks my heart because im avoiding touch and i want to be able to give him all the love in the world. He is the sunshine of my life. So im constantly having to face and challenge my thinking. When i have someone around it is like reassurance that they can see how i behave with him because i question every little touch and think have i done something wrong. like im not even sure. But I know deep down that i am a loving and kind woman and i would never do anything to hurt him. Trusting your deep inner person is essential. your thoughts are not you , i try and imagine them as seperate to me. Our actions and Intentions towards our loved ones are what really matters. Our thoughts are just a whole bunch of frightening internal chatter and are not real, stories we are making up and that we get attached to because of how emotionally charged they are and what it means about us as a person. Remember you are essentially a loving person who is very frightened and you need love too.