OCD thoughts/habits - Is it because I am a bad person?

[DorianGray]

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time on a forum looking for help. I was diagnosed with OCD years ago and in the last few months it has been as worse as I can remember. I am 33 years old but can remember being around 15 when I first got a puppy and it was around this time my OCD really kicked in. I would wash my hands to get the smell of the dog off them and kept smelling them afterwards never thinking the smell was gone. This then turned into switching off the bathroom light but having to check 5-10 times if it was really off.

Lately it has been what I can only describe as a nightmare. For some reason I am having to constantly remember things that happened in the past and try to remember the exact day and sequence of events that occurred. Most times I even manage to convince myself something happened even though I clearly know they didn't.

I finished up at my last job a couple of months ago and am currently looking for work and I know sitting at home all day applying for jobs is affecting me because I am not socializing and have too much time on my hands to just "think".

I keep telling myself it's all in your head, this OCD that you have makes you think these things. Sometimes that makes me calm but then 10 minutes later I'm back to trying to think about past events and things I never did.

Part of me feels as though this OCD is a punishment for me not being a good person or something.

[SourceShield]

Hey DorianGray,

The short answer is...NO.

In fact, you're being a very normal person...normal in that, you are doing what people do with OCD.

Thats why its called - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - you're obsessing about these things compulsively, in a manner that is causing the survival response within you - fight/flight/freeze mode - to go into hyperdrive!

OCD - would be seen as a form of human 'freeze mode' - we see freeze mode in nature when rodents are being stalked by snakes, for example, the brain gets overloaded with info.

Then, in those times, it cannot function properly, at all.

In your case, the info that your focusing on...is misinformed and incorrect.

ABNORMAL RESPONSES TO ABNORMAL SITUATIONS, IS NORMAL.

BUT - you're gonna have to learn how to believe that for yourself - thats really important.

I could sit here all night and do my best to 'convince' you that you're actually responding normally, to an abnormal situation...but thats for you to come to terms with.

I have an HFA brain (high functioning autistic), and people like me will also get obsessed...really obsessed with 'things' too.

Did you know that we can reverse engineer our obsessive thoughts and we can become 'obsessed' with the 'good' things in life too?

That part of you that thinks that the OCD is punishment - is the disordered part of the mind.

The negatively-biased part of the brain...thats gonna take some therapy or coaching to work through, but its totally possible to live a healthy life with OCD as well.

Keep practicing the positive thoughts that lead you back to a calm, and clear mind.

Eventually that practice will stick and stay, and it wont be so difficult for you.

Hang in there man.

I believe in you.

MuchLove

[sagebrush]

Hi DorianGray

Isolation is a bad thing for people like us, we over-think and start the downward spiral into depression/anxiety/ocd, etc.

Socialisation and mindfulness are key to help break this cycle of self-destruction. I find it difficult, but I have to make the effort, or else my "mind" will take over with negative thoughts. Every day is a struggle, especially when you're not working.

Focusing on the past like you are is another no-no, what helps me is to realise that the past doesn't actually exist - only our memory of our perception of what happened lives on. And when you realise that our perception is based on how we view ourselves and the world around us, we understand that our memories may well be skewed towards the negative, and not an accurate representation of what actually happened.

I found that at my worst, I would completely view a situation the wrong way, but my friends/family would remind me that it was not as horrible or terrible as I thought the situation was.

I feel the same as you - that my anxiety/panic/depression is punishment for me being a horrible person. But then, does that mean that the universe is conscious of our actions and decisions? If that is the case, then who is pulling the strings? God? Maybe hes trying to say something? Maybe not? All we know is that reaching out for help is the best that we can do. How can we help others if we can't help ourselves?

Cheers,

John.

[geoff]

hello DorianGray, thanks John for your great reply and can I say that I've had OCD for 56 years and when I was young I also thought that I was being punished for some reason, maybe not being a good person, or what I was doing wasn't the proper way, or because something awful that just happened then someone in the family had to be punished, maybe because it targeted the weakest person, and I could go on with reasons, but after having it for so long I realised a long time ago that I am not being punished if I'm not a good person, however we are punished by this illness which has control over us.
The thought could also happen for someone who has asthma are they being punished for telling a white lie, of course not, it's an inflammatory disease of the airways, so OCD we can learn to get ourselves, because we feel as though if we do something several times that nothing bad will happen so we develop this type of behaviour and eventually it has stuck with us and it seems to be impossible to stop it while some medications are prescribed for OCD just like I am taking but I still have it and always will, so now I accept it as being part of me.
Through your life your OCD traits and/or habits change over time and this could be because you move house, where the setup of your previous house made you do one specfic habit, but then you move so the cicumstances change and drop that previous habit because it can't be done in your new home, but then you find another habit to pick up.
People who don't have OCD think that we are stupid by checking the door lock 4 or 5 times and always question why we have to do it, because to them it doesn't seem to be logical, saying 'why check the door lock you're just done it twice, it's b******y locked are you crazy'.
People who have this illness need to be reassured by those who have had it for many years that you aren't being punished by a supposedly greater 'being' in life for what you haven't done correctly, it's an illness we have just as someone who has asthma has.
You have to learn that OCD is part of you and then accept that this is only an illness but the more you try and fight against it then this will only cause you more distress and this is not what you want to add on to all your other life's struggles. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi DorianGray,

Welcome tot he community here at Beyond Blue. You have already received some kind and helpful responses.

I too would like to add that I don't believe you are being punished for being a bad person. For some reason it sounds like your OCD started with your puppy and hand washing. I understand the hand washing.

Have you been to see a Dr or specialist about your condition?

Instead of going over past events in your mind, can you get out pen and paper and write poems or a short story about some place you would like to visit in the future.

As you are looking for work, are there places where you might be able to do some work experience? At 50 years of age my husband volu8nteered himself for a week's work in a small winery. He did not get a job, but gained experience and a couple of boxes of wine.

You may consider volunteer work or look at groups and clubs in your region you could join.

Take your dog for a walk or take your neighbour's dog for a walk.

Find ways to distract your mind. Read. Do puzzles.

Do you have family and friends you can visit and go out with?

Just going for a walk can help to clear your head.

Cheers for now from Dools

[DorianGray]

Firstly I just wanted to say Thank You to SourceShield, Doolhof, geoff and sagebrush for your advice and comments. It really is very appreciated.

Last night and this morning were the worst in my life bar none. I barely slept and this whole morning has been a nightmare. I had to convince myself all morning of who I actually am because I am finding it hard to separate what is real and what my mind is telling me.

In the past I would always say to myself "It is only your OCD acting up" and those words alone would calm me down, but that doesn't work anymore. I've just been sitting there in tears the whole day, not knowing what to do. I'm so scared right now.

[sagebrush]

You're not alone DorianGray.

This week has been particularly bad. Probably why we are both reaching out on the forums.

Usually my meds keep me stable, but something is "in the air", I feel. I have also heard about others complaining about this week and some have posited that it is because of the supermoon, of all things.

Didn't sleep much also, last night. I have just had a walk in the sun and that has helped me a lot. Getting grounded, walking, and taking deep breaths also helps because when you breathe deeply it sends calming signals to the brain.

Deep breaths occur when you use your lower abdomen/stomach to breathe, rather than your chest. You actually feel light-headed, but that is because you are getting the oxygen that you need, and you are not constantly shallow breathing, which promotes that sense of panic.

I also wrote a letter to myself, venting all the anger and hurt and just re-reading it, trying to let it all out. Trying to see what it is for what it is- something that I've experienced, that I can now let go. As difficult as that might be.

Cheers,

John

[DorianGray]

I just have this constant feeling that something is wrong. I can't shake it.

I'm just praying God will help me through this all by giving me the strength to keep moving forward but it keeps getting harder everyday.

Today I barely remember what I did.

[SourceShield]

Hey Dorian,

That feeling of never feeling safe, and that something is gonna go wrong is called, Hyper-Vigilance.

Look it up - i just wanted to point that out because, you're not the only one to experience this...they actually have a name for it!

So, this is not God punishing you, or forgetting you.

This is part of your journey, to unravel and unfold...and I know you can do it.

I see that you are spiritual, so just remember...

That which we ask in prayer will always come true for us...but not in our time, but in the creators time and way.

Have faith.

We see and feel you.

Hang in there...a change is in the air, for you.

It is often in the dark of night that the greatest clarity comes!

MuchLove

[DorianGray]

I feel as though this feeling will never go away.

I'm so alone