Now im straight but scared i am in denial

[Gordon112]

Hey, so my entire life I have not only been certain I have been confident that I am straight, and I know that for certain deep down I am straight. But since the start of the school year I have been terrified that I am slowly turning gay, or that I have and am in denial. When this fear started it began with a massive bout of anxiety that slowly began to manifest itself in the form of intrusive thoughts. I have not only never had crushes on the same sex (I should clarify that I am male) and I have found the thought of being in a same sex relationship does not only sit well with me, It doesnt feel right at all. Fast forward a few weeks the thoughts have died down but I am afraid that I may have subconsciously accepted these thoughts as myself and that I am only in denial. This has left me freaking out to the point that I have developed what I can only describe as compulsions (looking at pictures of shirtless men vs naked women and seeing if I have a reaction down in my pants, picturing the images in my head to see if I enjoy them, watching gay porn to see if I have an reaction). I should also clarify that it doesnt feel like questioning, it only feels like intense to mild anxiety. I have also considered the possibility of having undiagnosed OCD because I have also had intrusive thoughts and anixety in the past about having undiagnosed Bowel cancer even though there was no evidence I had it, and have also had a bad panic attack last year involving a gory scene I had seen that made me terrified of leaving my house.

I should again clarify that I have known my sexuality since I began puberty (halfway through year 4, very early bloomer at age 9). I havent really had any reason to doubt my sexuality because I have never had a crush on the same sex and any experimentation I did during early high school with gay porn also didnt fit right with me. I also wouldnt call this anxiety internalised homophobia because while I know im straight and homosexuality doesnt really sit with me, I understand that love is love (my sister is bisexual herself). I just dont want to be gay.

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Gordon,

You can disagree if you like, or tell me I'm wrong, but the older I get (I'm a woman in my late 40's), the more I think of sexual orientation as a 'sliding scale' of sorts. A bit like medical conditions or sports fans .......

Let's say it's like the medical condition of Asthma; there are those who experience a mild tightening of their chest from time to time, that may make them cough a little, right through to those who can barely exist without an oxygen tank.

Or, maybe it's like a sports fan; there are those who may have a sporting match on their TV, and only pay attention to the game once every few minutes, right through to the super-keen fan who has a collection of every jersey and every poster and who goes to every single match, not matter rain, hail or shine! And one who is genuinely heartbroken and inconsolable when a loss occurs.

Just because you have looked at, and appreciated a nicely shaped same-sex human form, or even tested yourself to the point of watching gay porn, doesn't mean you're gay. The human body is a very widely varied model, and it's natural to be curious and to do research on what we do and don't like and appreciate.

Perhaps you are just putting needless pressure on yourself? Overthinking things that don't need to be so over-thought?

If it helps to know, and if someone were to directly ask me about MY EXACT sexual orientation ..... well I don't think there is an 'exact' measure! BUT, I do tend to think of myself as a 'little bit bisexual'. As in, I've been mostly with men, but I've kissed and caressed a couple of women. I appreciate and admire the human body - especially one that is well cared for and in good shape - whether it's male or female.

Like I said, it's quite naturally human to admire and appreciate other humans! Be they male, female or otherwise.

Hope that helps a little. Take care. And keep it simple. Ain't no pressure in this world like the pressure we put on ourselves. xo

[Roobot]

The way you describe it sounds a bit like ocd. (I have experience with others having ocd) The way you have to keep testing even though you know the answer (obsessive) over and over again (compulsive)

Maybe a medical professional can help.

Hope you find some peace soon X

[Alexlisa]

Hello Gordon,

Welcome to the forums. I can hear you’re having a tough time, but I’m really glad you reached out here.

From what you’ve said, the intrusiveness and irrationality of the thoughts really reminds me of how I experience OCD. I don’t have the same worry focuses as you, but I do know someone who does. I see how hard it is for her and that it truly is something that can’t just be resolved through reasoning.

There are several different subtypes that OCD commonly falls into, and a fear of being gay without ‘realising it’ is one of them. They call it Sexual Orientation OCD or Homosexual OCD. It can absolutely include the type of intrusive thoughts you’ve mentioned.

It must be so tough, feeling uncertain about fundamentally who you are. Whether this is what you’re dealing with or something else, it sounds like it would be a good idea to reach out for professional help. Your GP will be able to give you a Mental Health Care Plan which will entitle you to 10 free sessions with a psychologist per year. The biggest regret that I have about my mental health is that I didn’t get help earlier for my OCD. It can be an unruly beast that pops up everywhere overtime and I’ve struggled to get it under control because of how big I let it get.

So please think about it, because you deserve to be supported in this. A psychologist will be able to help you to understand what you’re dealing with and how to use skills to manage it. The help is out there, and this was your first step. So well done!

Take care ok,

Alexlisa