Not sure what to do anymore.

waxlarry28 · ‎01-07-2019

I recently have gone through a lot of anxiety and depression issues, and recently have a lot of trouble with what the internet seems to describe as ‘Harm OCD’. I feel like I’ve lost all motivation, drive, and my anxieties are eating me up because I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I wake up and I’m stressed and go to sleep stressed. Even though I’ve never had anger issues, never hurt anyone, lately I can’t get extremely vivid thoughts of hurting others or myself out of my head and I’ve scared myself into thinking I’m some kind of monster that’s losing my mind. I don’t fear I will hurt anyone but I’m really struggling to find a way to get through all of this, and I honestly feel lost. Does anyone have any advice or experience anything similar? I would love to know how people have dealt with these thoughts, while managing to get their motivation and hope alive again.

I’m just scared that this is me now 😞

JessF · ‎01-07-2019

Hello waxlarry28, welcome here. It really feels like your days are just bookended by anxiety, from dawn to dusk. These thoughts you're having about hurting others don't match up with the person you know you are, and sound very frightening, like an awful movie that won't switch off. I wonder if it might help you in the short term to think of the thoughts like that: as like a broken tv that you can't find the off switch for. If you had a broken tv in your living room, and it were showing horrible things to you, would that make you a monster? It's certainly unpleasant and horrible having to sit there and watch the images, but you know in your heart you're not an angry person and these images are not you.

Now of course, that still leaves you with the fear that you might not be able to find that off switch, and you're stuck with that tv in the room for good, and I sense that thought is making this feel a lot worse for you.

I can see that even though you've lost a lot of your motivation and drive, you have spent some time investigating harm OCD symptoms on the internet, so your problem-solving skills are still very much intact. You've also posted here for advice - these are all good signs. Can you think of some other things you've done in the past when things have been very stressful that have helped? Even for a little while?

PS. Have a google of 'grounding exercises' if you haven't seen these already. They may be useful for you. It goes without saying that a GP appointment if you haven't already organised one would also be a good next step.

waxlarry28 · ‎02-07-2019

Thank you so much for this reply.

Will definitely get onto researching those exercises! I have booked in with a phycologist and my GP so hopefully through further discussion I can try figure it out.

The battles that I’m facing right now is my loss of identity. I can’t relate to how I used to feel and be anymore, and these thoughts just seem to worsen everyday. I feel very consumed by it all, but hopefully with different exercises and working through it with a counciler and a GP I can dig my out.

I’ve lost so much spark and joy for almost everything, and now that all my thoughts are being consumed by this OCD, it makes me feel like this is the person I’m becoming and I’m so scared by it.

Thank you again for the reply!

JessF · ‎02-07-2019

Hi waxlarry28, you're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful. Getting the professional help ticked off is a big step, and hopefully will make you feel a little less consumed by everything.

It's sounding to me like this is a time of big change for you, if you're not connecting with how you used to be and feel previously. Using that word 'identity' says a lot, it's like the core of yourself no longer makes sense. And on top of that, having those positive things replaced with the intrusive thoughts does seem like a terrifying prospect.

I sense there might be some big questions around the corner, and now might not be the time to look at answers for them. But I know from my own past of losing a sense of identity, that I went through a similar slump of feeling that something was wrong with me. The way forward for me was in finding a new sense of identity, of thinking back to the kind of person I wanted to be and then slowly figuring out what that might look like. This may be totally different from the person you've been in the past, which is scary, but also potentially very exciting as it provides an opportunity to find a new spark, and different ways of experiencing joy.