Not sure at all

[tara]

Hi all, this is my first time into such a forum. I've suffered anxiety and depression for most of my life. It seems to come and go and changes the way it hits me each time. It's got me to a point where I don't know what's going on anymore. Right now I feel I couldn't get any lower. I feel very much alone in my despair. I feel so frightened of myself and my thoughts and can't deal with anything right now. I'm taking medication and it doesn't seem to be helping at all. I can't stand this place I'm in, I stay home because I don't want to see anyone. Although I do walk everyday, sometimes 4 times a day just to keep negative thoughts at bay, though today I can't even do that! I am going back to my GP to see what can be done. I can't even pinpoint reasons for this, it's like those close to me want to know a cause and I am at a loss, instead I feel like I am pushing everyone away or just don't say anything because it's easier to lie but then the uncontrollable sadness makes lying impossible. I'm lost and don't know who I am anymore... how can anyone understand if I don't??

[geoff]

dear Tara, it's a natural question people always ask you, 'why are you depressed, you have everything you need', but how the hell do we know, if we did know why, then the problem could be resolved straight away.

People get annoyed with us which only accentuates our depression, so we go deeper and deeper into the black hole.

When you see your doctor ask them for a referral to see a psychologist, where you can have 10 free visits, which most times is never enough, but it's a start.

I would click onto 'resources' at the top of this page and get BB to send you out all the information they have on all the different types of depression, how to cope, suggestions etc. it's all free, but very good.

Sometimes when people read all the posts and comments here on this site, it may trigger a positive reaction. Let us know how you get on with your doctor. L Geoff. x

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Tara,

The walking is good.  Plenty of fresh air to wipe out the negatives.   But if you can't do it what's the alternative ?    If you stay home you might feel that you "should" be doing something.   If a friend calls for a social it might be good for you to connect when feeling so down.  So, what can you do ?

You know what, stuff the people that feel you should explain why you feel the way you do.    There's no need to explain.  Depression doesn't come with a hand book.  Anyone really concerned would probably either come over or offer some help when you're up for it.     I've got a couple of friends I never see but I know I can email with thoughts and they ALWAYS write back.  It's great support.  Even an old counsellor lets me send him my drivel and he'll occasionally respond.

If you're feeling a pressure to find out WHY or HOW or WHEN or WHETHER then maybe this is what is confusing you the most.   Trying to get by is better.   Little steps.   Be honest with yourself - accept the anxiety & depression without having to schedule a million appointments to prove you are really sick.

Try a much shorter walk.  Around the garden.  Around the block.   You now, just break the relentless "I can't stand this place I'm in" a little.   I stay home because I work at home but I am also staying home, like you, "because I don't want to see anyone".    Whatever works.   Slowly, slowly, slowly.

Adios, David.

[tara]

Thanks Geoff and David for your responses, my GP was great, and said not to take the medication for now and has scheduled a meeting with a psychologist and will work from there.

I hear what you're saying David, over the years I've got sick of trying to defend myself... and that accentuates everything so it's better to remain silent. Maybe it is true that searching for a REASON is what's confusing me. Right now today I feel like I am coping, I do believe the medication was making things worse.

Thank you both, I do so appreciate your responses and I've read more of the resources, will keep walking  and wait for my assessment see what happens and go from there. Thanks for listening 🙂