New relationship anxiety, parenthood and fear of not being enough

[Ali_A]

Hello,

I am a single parent of a beautiful 11yo. Been on my own now for 10 years this year. Dating, or at least trying anyway, of and on for all this time. Nothing longer than 3 months or so.

However I am just in the beginning of a new relationship with this great man for nearly two months now. He has been divorced for about 3 years himself, also with a 11yo. We have already talked exclusivity and we are both on the same page. Yet I find myself having this huge panic/anxiety attacks when I am alone. I fear, to the point that my heart feels like it’s tight in pain, that I will not be enough, that I can not possibly be good enough for this person.

My friends are all in long term relationships, marriages and I can only really talk about what’s happening in my dating life from a funny side. I feel like they don’t really understand the anxiety that I feel it’s real. I had an entire 24 hours filled with shear panic and tears and I didn’t think any of my friends could understand what’s happening. My parents are passed away and I don’t have extended family (my child was at her fathers - she is not exposed to this side of me).

In those moments I fail to see my self worth. I know I am a capable adult, I have a secure job, I pay my bills, car it’s payed for - mortgage on track and super just the same. I volunteer in my spare time and my child is happy and secure in her life. But the thought of having to share all those sides of me with a new person … and the fact that he is not quite as “in touch” with being in touch as I am scares the living light out of me.

I want more, but I am not sure how. I am afraid that I have lost touch with how a relationship starts and evolves.

Am I needy? Even though life carries on when we are not together.

Or do I need to ask for what for my needs to be met?

It is a spiraling thought process that goes on and on to the point that I look in the mirror and tell myself that this is what I deserve. I mean, who would want a anxious woman with such little self esteem?

So… this is where I am. Even doing this seems, futile. There are people with much bigger problems and I am staying here writing about being scared of not being liked enough.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey Ali

Welcome to the forums. I just want to normalise what you're experiencing. It's called relationship anxiety and people experience it to varying degrees. If you haven't been in a relationship for a long time, it seems even more justification for what you're experiencing. If you typed "fear of abandonment" or "relationship anxiety" into the search bar at the top of the page, you'd find plenty of people sharing their own concerns about this. I hope that at least makes you feel less alone in this experience.

It certainly doesn't make you any less deserving of being loved and cared for, than anyone else. I'm really glad that somewhere in there you were able to note your positive attributes. I bet there are a lot more if you thought about it. In fact, what could be helpful would be to write your anxious thoughts down, and really examine them. How much do I believe this to be true? What could I counteract it with?

A lot of the time anxiety talks rubbish. If you can recognise when its talking and being unhelpful, you can learn to shush it. Lots of us have had similar experiences, and it's really helpful when people come here and share. We can feel less alone in our troubles, and we can talk things through together. Thanks for sharing.

Katy