Need advice dealing with anxiet/severe trust issue

[Aeneides]

With getting lied to by consecutive previous relationships, I now find it incredibly difficult to trust people to the point where I didn't want romantic relationships anymore.

Recently though, I started liking someone again and we talk everyday, but since he's not ready for a relationship yet, I decided to sort of wait for him and just be a good friend right now. However, when someone starts acting sweet and flirty around him, I just start sort of breaking down internally because it feels like I'm going to get replaced again, for lack of a better word for it. I don't bother him about it because I know it's a pain to deal with this and since we're not a thing, having him also deal with this feels unfair to him..?

Would anyone happen to have any advice how to deal with this trust issue/anxiety? I want to stop being this obsessive distrustful person who constantly checks if there are any signs I'm about to get replaced, ready to run away.

[Croix]

Dear Aeneides~

Welcome here to the Forum, it's a good place to come to find others with the same circumstances.

Unfortunatly getting lied to often enough does change your attitude to people, your ability to trust -quite justifiably - has been injured and does indeed make you very reluctant to have to deal with the  same again -so you withdraw.

It's a great pity as htere are so many trustworthy people in the world and you may be missing out on a very fulfilling life.

I guess here you are in the situation that you have strong feelings for a person, they just wish to be a friend, and you feel you will not be able to hold on to that person if another shows interest. Very awkward but very natural too after your past.

In any good relationship it is an equal partnership - I'm lucky enough to have one - and each person tries their hardest to smooth life for the other, being there for them, thinking of them first -and enjoying being with them. There is security in knowing someone has you back.

I think to most important word is partnership. You can't - by yourself - build up trust or stop feeling anxious. Frankly it is a two person job. if you have a partner and they know what has happened to you in the past then - just out of love and concern - they should go out of their way to be reassuring, not go into situations that will prey on your mind, and look after you. It would not be one-sided, just you may look after them in other ways.

It is not a quick process, the more injured you have been the longer it takes -but it is possible.

With this particular person why not give them the chance ? Could you have a talk with them, explain your feelings and see what they want. If they still only want to be friends that will hurt a lot, no doubt about it, however I would think constantly having to worry would build up to be worse, a never ending torment.

If the answer is no or half hearted that is no reflection on you, Simply the two of you have not clicked. The best remedy is not to accept second best but to to concentrate on your social life and see who else is in the world.

It is always 2 people, not just you, and by not accepting second best you may find you can take pride in that .

Croix