My husband just decided to leave to work on his mental health

[Schweepy]

I have been with my husband for 6 years, he suffers from anxiety issues and now potentially depression. I have always supported and loved him throughout these years and tried to help him seek assistance as I couldn't keep being the only one he talked to and not a mental health professional. In those years, he talked so much about how he loved me, how I was the one, how I was his purpose in his life, how he didn't know what love was until we met. But last week, he just decided he needed to be alone. He said he didn't want to think about anyone else's feelings right now and just told me the morning after a huge fight that he was moving out and going to live with a friend. This came out of nowhere and he never ever indicated to me that he would leave and he has gone from 0 to 100 in no time and already started talking about the division of assets and only wanting to talk about that. He refuses to tell me why he is doing this, if this is temporary or not, and just only wants to talk about the "division of assets". He is acting so callous and cold, a side of him I have never seen directed towards me before. I had suggested couples counselling a few weeks ago as I felt I needed to know the best ways for us to communicate as his anxiety issues were really flaring up and making him so negative and pessimistic. We only just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary by spending a few days away, he later told me he saw that as a 2 and a half hour drive to walk on the beach and have lunch, when we did so much more and were there to celebrate this occasion. His parents have been so loving and supportive throughout the years and are so shocked and confused as to why this is happening. Unfortunately, they are in England and can't come over so are stuck trying to get through to him but he refuses to talk about emotions. They have told me I have their full support and love, and always will. But he just keeps bulldozing me down and being the main driving force behind separating. I do not want to separate and wanted to try couples counseling, he refuses to even try even though only Wednesday (the day before the argument) he was very much on board. In the process of him trying to seek mental health help, he has completely destroyed mine and is only talking to me like I am a stranger.

I want answers and he has not given me a reason why he is doing this and throwing away a loving 6 year relationship. I just don't know what to do.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I imagine it must be terribly confusing and heart-wrenching. When people shut you out and refuse to communicate openly, it leaves you feeling helpless, right? Especially after such a long time together.

Do you think if you give him some space, that he might achieve clarity about what's going on for him, and be in a better position to communicate that to you? I'm not sure how long it's been, but maybe he needs time to think? It's really hard to know what's going on for someone unless they're prepared to share it with you.

Kind thoughts, Katy

[Gambit87]

Hi Schweepy,

I cant even begin to imagine what you must be feeling.

As a man, I think I can offer some insights into your partners thought processes, because I've had very similar thoughts about my partner.

From my experiences, Depression makes you feel so alone, helpless and worthless. Despite having a wonderful partner, family and friends. It makes you want to close up from the world and everyone around you because you dont want to be a burden on them, you dont want to unload your pain onto anyone else. You feel like youre the only one in the world who knows what you going through and if you try to explain it - no one will understand, so you keep everything to yourself.

Then the irrational thoughts start flooding in 'I should stop dating my partner, she'll be better off without me' 'people would be better off if I moved away' etc etc.

obviously, I could be wrong here, but from your post - I feel like you partner could be acting on irrational thoughts because in his mind - he doesnt want to be a burden on you.

Its pretty clear your partner needs help. Unfortunately hes the one that has to recognise that and take that step. If hes not interested hearing that from you - try getting his parents/family/friends to talk to him. Sometimes the person that makes the penny drop isnt your partner. The penny drop for me was a random doctor who told me i needed help after i broke down crying in front of her. Get them to encourage him to talk to a GP and get onto a mental health care plan to speak to a psychologist. I've been seeing mine for about a year now and my life has changed for the better.

As a man, it can be really really freaking hard to talk about whats bothering us, even to the ones you love. You feel weak, you feel worthless. Once you get out of that mindset and realise there are people out there who are experiencing the same things you are and that its not weak to speak - its one of the most liberating feelings.

I really hope it works out for you! you are not alone here.

[Schweepy]

Hi Katy,

Thank you for your concern, it has been extremely difficult for the past few days. Everything happened last Friday and it's all just spiraled out quickly since then. I've had to go through the emotions of rage, sadness, helplessness hope, and back to rage and sadness.

I think if I do give him space he may, but it will be too little too late by then. He only wants to talk about the division of assets at the moment so I've had to block all communication from him since yesterday morning just so I can have some time to sit with what's happening and not go at the speed he is dictating. He still hasn't clarified why he did this, and on Monday messaged me back saying, "At the moment I feel that there isn't anything I could say to help you in this difficult time or give you closure. My mental state deteriorated and every day I was living in anxiety and fear for a future I was going to be unhappy with." That last part hit me hardest as we have been jointly planning our future and he was getting excited for it. I do not understand the trepidation now. He said he threw out the vows because he thought I left them on the desk so must not have wanted them, but he is smarter than that. Plus he threw them out anyway which indicates to me he does not see any sentimental value in them, and thus us. He says he does not want to talk about emotions and simply wants to shut them off for now, which is difficult for me as I am a very emotional person and have the trauma response of faun from my childhood which means I am always the one to compromise, whilst he doesn't.

Thank you for reaching out and answering my post, it does feel good to talk things out with people who have been through it before and can share some insight.

[Schweepy]

Hi Gambit87,

Thank you for your post it has actually made sense and does explain a few things about him.

He used to say he could be his complete self with me, but recently he told me hasn't wanted to tell me everything going on in his head because he thought I would think badly of him. I have always been supportive, even when he has had bad thoughts, so the idea that I would not be understanding now doesn't make sense. I have encouraged him to get more sleep, eat better, exercise more, start a hobby, go see friends and go see a good therapist. He started seeing one but kept only telling me the negative things saying she didn't understand or wasn't giving great advice. I said let's find you another one but he said no she's fine and is helping him in some ways plus he doesn't want to have to start all over again. He was always saying he felt he wasn't good enough for me and that I would realize it and want to leave him, is him leaving now a way to do it before I did? I kept telling him how much I loved him and appreciated him and never once told him he wasn't good enough. I have self esteem issues of my own and have had those thoughts but knew he did love me for who I was and I loved him the same.

He has had previous trauma in a past relationship where she was extremely and overly controlling and restricted his ability to do anything. When we started I told him I don't want to play games and want open communication as that is the only way to build a good relationship. So we would tell each other everything, ever little thought, until last year when he started keeping thoughts from me. I gave him complete freedom and didn't restrict his movements or ability to do anything. I also told him I don't care about gender roles and that everyone deserves to feel all emotions and express them how they need to. He could cry in front of me and I would support him and not think anything less of him or think he was weak, I hate that toxic masculinity stuff and he did too.

Since this has all gone down, I did say to him to try and see his therapist this week and to call beyond blue at some point. I have tried to still help him even though he has hurt me beyond belief, but now he needs to take care of himself and I need to focus on me and building myself back up again.

Thank you for sharing your story and advice, I am sorry you've had to go through this yourself and hope you have found happiness and clarity since.

[ecomama]

Dear Schweepy

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
It only takes ONE person in a marriage to decide it's over, no matter how hard the other person is willing to work to save it.

You've worked so hard for 6 years, incredibly hard. I'm sorry it's come to this, I understand your feelings of devastation.

I'm surprised that no one else, nor you, has brought up the possibility that he's having an affair?

Saying you're "confused" is a red flag to me.

Without seriously working on his own MH and showing only extreme co-dependence on his partner (meaning you) for so many years, seeing you becoming tired of having to deal with it all... he may have thought the grass was greener (GIG syndrome), thought he'd be happy with someone else, jumped ship for this other person.

Sadly his reasons for jumping won't be recognised by him until he gets the MH support he needs.

Now he's decided this isn't your battle any more and is pushing for "division of assets".
Even him saying this phrase indicates to me that he's sought legal advice to dissolve the marriage.

He may have just been getting his ducks in a row to do so, seems that way to me.

I'm sorry it's come to this.
You didn't deserve it.

You can phone Women's Legal Service for some free legal advice.

Take care
EM

[Schweepy]

Hi EM,

I have read the legal websites and it made it pretty clear what you said that it takes only one person to break up the marriage and the other just has to accept it.

In terms of an affair, that is not the case. He has no sex drive and a lot of self esteem issues that I do not think he would be cheating. He doesn't go anywhere or see anyone, his only real vice is gaming; that could be his mistress.

I told him I was seeking legal council and he said he doesn't want to get lawyers involved as it gets expensive. We have only joint bank accounts so there's no way he's been able to pay for a lawyer if that's the case and he doesn't have any friends who would lend him the money, nor his family would. He is very intelligent though and as he's shutting off his emotions he has most likely done his research and is just speaking from a completely professional way rather than with any emotion what so ever. I have a school friend who is a family lawyer and she is going to give me some help tomorrow.

Thank you.