My brother gives me anxitey!

[Olliepop]

My brother, middle child, is very pushy and narcissistic.

He always thinks he is right, he always is so judgmental on people, hes rude, he doesn't listen, when we all reach our breaking points, then he pipes down a little bit.

I blame my mother, for never allowing my father to punish him and learn discipline at a young age like my older brother did. She forever covers for him, till this day.

I find the more i avoid him, and a situation he is in the better. We do work together, which isnt easy, but avoiding him throughout the day i have learn how to manage.

I have realized, anything that changes in my life, he over involves himself and sometimes i cant help but feel i have to start defending myself when he starts commenting, or asking too many questions.

Recently, my husband left his job, which he was very unhappy in.

My husband continues to provide, in his own ways, i just don't inform everyone on what he does, which to me is perfectly fine, and its none of anyones business. Were happy. We both have an income. There is nothing to talk about.

My husband purchased me a brand new car, and recently sold my current. My husband is a thinker, if the new car is coming soon, why wait to sell the current when we can manage together getting to and from places, have the funds ready to lay into the new car when its time.

My brother starts commenting, why sell the car before the new one?.. how can you both get around blah blah blah. If we manage, its none of your business. My husband has told my brother he left the previous job, but my brother still asks me acting dumb, and when i get on the defense explaining why things were done, he doesnt reply and ignores me.. in which i stated, you shouldn't judge situations when you dont know first hand how people feel. he snaps back with im not judging but that happens in all workplaces, it happens here, i even do it. For him to hear himself, i dont respond. and then i think he realized what he was saying then goes on pretending he hasn't made me react, so now IM the one who is upset and hes moved on acting all cool. I find the more i try to voice my opinion to make my brother back off, the worse it gets, but its also not okay NOT voicing my opinion too. My brother is easily jealous of situations, who has the better house, who has the better car, and when people move in silence, and he doesnt know whats going on, i believe he doesnt like that.

Some advice on how to handle him please!

Annoyed sister.

[Olliepop]

*sigh* we do... all the family, at the start it was fun, when i was a push over and did anything he demanded... then i got married and my husband reminded both him and i that i have an opinion and then the tension started.

my older brother, has put him in his place alot more..but the middle one now twists and turns things and now they are closer, and i do feel a little left out, but i try not over think this.. because that is a problem of mine i still work on (over thinking). But the middle one loves that.

Yep, i am the same.. why would we want to go out of our way to spend time with anyone who makes us feel like that, and wont go out of their way to make us feel happy?... my child doesnt see him much besides events.

I recall one he tried to make an episode, on how i dont give him enough time of day.. and i responded with some whiteknight feedback " sorry you feel that way because thats not that case " and he stopped.. because him overreacting to a reaction, made him look silly.

He overshares when he isnt happy with his wife.. i could never find myself talking like that about my husband. ever. even if i was that upset.

My husband, CANT STAND my middle brother... and middle knows it. and im okay with that.. middle isnt 🙂 xx

[white knight]

There is a need some of us dont respond to once we have a full time partner and that is "controlling your life". Once the art of controlling it which involves listening to your needs, caring for yourself and focussing on those you love and like, life becomes a happy daily event.

The issue with problem siblings can range wide, jealousy, intimidation carried over from childhood, even if parents are elderly wills and asset grabbing comes into play. So this is important- you are a free person, you can go through life rejecting people that you find toxic and dont be fooled with others say "but he's your brother" - that is NOT a good enough reason to tolerate him.

The fact that your husband doesnt like your brother is also reason enough to question why you tolerate him. Now I heard on the grapevine that my estranged sister said "Tony will see me one day maybe when our parents will is read out". Umm, no, if anything I'll have a solicitor represent me. So these toxic people like to get under your skin and as they are blood or an ex partner you wont be able to go through life without thinking of them, thats normal. But I limit it, 20 minutes absolute maximum, usually 3-5 minutes. Then find a distraction!

At family events I wont attend if my sister or mother is present. The fact that I find them both toxic and destructive is my judgement, my decision and they have problems they dont see, they can live with them.

My mental health is more important to me, my wife and my daughter than tolerating people that introduce sadness in my life.

"There's happy times, laughing, running through a field, sitting on a hilltop so still a bird lands on your shoulder, chirps then flies off.... then there are those...."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

TonyWK

[Olliepop]

So, we have a great update today. 
Middle child had a tanti. 

The moment I walked into work he was in a mood. Rude is an understatement. I actually laughed at him. Let him boil and talk crap all day until it was my turn where he tried to flag some flaws which may I add he made up in his head and he thought he had the right to sit me down and discuss them. In which when he stated I didn’t help in particular areas I answered back, with the simple “I do not” about 5 times which he thought he was the better person stating maybe he was wrong. 
then I flipped the lid, and stated the errors recently he did that we don’t line him up and be rude on his multiple errors over and over again. And he seemed to pipe down and say well, maybe you should. In again I said, no, I don’t need to act like you, you’re rude. 
then after I made an example of him also making errors he tried to act all cool, and I believe it was because I didn’t give him the reaction he wanted (tears, worry, panic to answer back) although I thought about it I was like no, he doesn’t deserve it. And now he just looks stupid. 
he then presses me to take my son out, on his own with him. Why on earth would I allow my son to be with him when he treats me and everyone else around him that bad? 
and I just kept saying no, it’s this or nothing. 
just wow. 
I have a little anxiety after this, but at least I handled myself and didn’t take it out on anyone else and didn’t let him get the better of me. 

[white knight]

Well done. That anxiety at the end actually could be adrenalin, easy to get both mixed up. I found when young that the same symptoms of anxiety came when picking up a new car then a psych told me it wasnt anxiety.

When people repeat themselves or copy what someone else is saying I often say "is there an echo in this room"? they'll ask why... "didnt you say that one minute ago, repeating yourself is an attempt to dominate."

I like how a simple "no" to every question was done. 

I think you sowed good progress is confronting an aggressor.

TonyWK

[Olliepop]

You're right.. as i had that situation too not long ago and it was kinda the same feeling! Wow.

With my brother, it was much higher... i suppose i expect the situation to be much worse with him as well.

He doesnt know how i felt, and i didnt act sour or upset after him either, which i believe makes him look very silly in his own eyes... and thats what makes me feel much better too. When people who act this way they only confirm to everyone else its them.

You have helped me so much Tony... its like the best friend i never had, having these chats with you and everyone generally has helped me so much. Thank you.