Hi, so this is my first time in one of these chat forum things so I'm still getting use to it 😂
Anyway, everyone has insecurities, I'm not trying to get attention and say 'I'm the only one' its human to feel insecure. But I don't know if I'll ever accept and love myself, I haven't physically harmed myself but mentally, if you were to ask me to describe myself all I would say is negatives, I hate the way I look, act, thing, everything. Its worse in public, which is where our little friend called anxiety kicks in. Whenever I'm shopping and looking at makeup or clothes and I see a group of really skinny attractive girls I feel like I'm not worthy to be around them, to look at them, so I always leave or run off to a different section of the store, whenever I hear a group of random people laughing at something I always think they're laughing at me because "oh she looks fat" "she's ugly" 'wtf is wrong with her?" And I start having an anxiety attack, my breathing hitches, I get dizzy, I can't focus, I wrap my arms around myself so I may seem smaller. This happens at school too. When I'm with friends I feel insecure, they're all so so gorgeous and it sucks because I'm the fat, ugly, worthless friend.
Lets move on to a different anxiety topic for me, I will always be 2nd place, my older sister is so smart, she has a scholarship and amazing grades, everyone compares her and I. I feel like I have to be smart like her and get a scholarship or I'll be a failure in my families eyes. When I said I didn't want the same scholarship as what she received (hers was for law and I don't want to work in law so what's the point??) Not only my sister but other family members seemed to be upset. I don't get perfect grades and I doubt myself in every subject which makes me believe, why try and be better you're just stupid anyways? My sister is my grandmothers favourite, its been like that for years, no I'm not rude to her, its just something she does, she has a favourite kid and everyone but her can notice it, I get treated like I'm not water, ignored, treated like an idiot by my sister and grandmother and I just will never be good enough!
Idk what to do, I'm near breaking point, I will always be the fat, stupid worthless person
Why can't I ever be number one for once? Just once! To make my family actually proud of me.
Sorry if this was long, I just needed to rant.
