Losing control

[m_bel]

I am at my wits end and very frightened. Unfortunately my story is quite complicated so forgive me if this is quite long.

Since childhood I have been quite an anxious person but I have always maintained a high quality of life, until... my 18 yr old brother passed away with cancer. He was a source of strength and happiness for me, a close friend. As if it weren't enough, my Mum, my rock, has been diagnosed with secondary breast cancer. She is fine right now, very positive and her scans are looking good. I have never, not even with my brother, been able to talk about the situation because talking is like accepting reality for me.

In the last year or two I have progressively developed an intense fear of dying. I have had good days, good months, but recently my fear was triggered when I started having severe back pain (symptoms of my brother and mother's illness). Panic attacks, which I had learned to deal with, returned with a vengeance. I had scans to ease my mind of any serious reason for my back pain and subsequently, my pain has dissipated since I had the scan.

A symptom of the back pain, or so I thought, was a dizziness, like I was on a boat, losing balance. This feeling remains even though my pain has subsided. I also sometimes feel like I lose feeling on the left side of my face and my arm. The fear and feeling is incessant and I am constantly thinking of the worst - generally something neurological (the fear attached to my back pain came from this notion too; that I would somehow lose all feeling in my body).

I now have panic attacks multiple times a day, but what is worse is this dizzy, rocking, loss of sensation feeling. It is so frightening. I don't know if it has to do with muscle tightness, a real neurological issue, or anxiety. I am sick of (and slightly embarrassed) of going to the doctor but I can't study, I can't work, I can't go out on my own for more than an hour, I struggle to drive myself, I constantly have muscle tension and headaches (something that enhances my fear) and I cry daily. The doctor keeps telling me it's just anxiety but how do they really know, they misdiagnosed my brother even when I had a fear something was very wrong.

I am seeing a psychologist once every two weeks, I have been prescribed medication but haven't taken it yet (another fear). Does anyone else experience this feeling? I can't help but feel something is badly wrong with me. I feel completely trapped.

Thanks and appreciation in advance,

M

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

You've been dealt a cruel blow with your brother. I too lost mine to suicide, he was 27 me 24yo.

These events shape our thinking but sometimes we end up on the wrong side of what's real or what's reasonable. I've gone through paranoia periods and it is worrying.

Most of us are sufferers of mental illness so we can't diagnose but I do suggest you follow your doctors directions...it is really important. Most of us need medication to help us along. Try to put faith in your doctor. If it all fails get a second opinion.

try to be positive. Its the only way to live with happiness. Best of luck.

Tony WK

[finjake]

Hi

I know exactly how you feel. I have health scares all the time and feel paranoid with every little symptom I think I'm dying. I've also been to the doctors many times and had tests and they find nothing. I get the dizzy symptoms from this too I'm scared to be alone at home or out at places incase something happens to me. I used to be on antidepressants medication but they numbed me so I got off them years ago and have been fine without them. I feel you could do this too. These feelings are just something that always seems to come around when I've been in my own head for too long. It stems from our life experiences, death from people we love around us and the way we have been brought up. My parents were very protective growing up and I feel this has impacted me now with my independence greatly. I feel that all these fears come from my fear of death and its probably the same for you too. I'm sorry to hear about your mum and brother. You're not losing control, you're just dealing with the pain. I understand and I understand how hard it gets being inside this body with these fears causing all these symptoms. I like to turn to spirituality and meditation as helps me ground myself and remember how strong I really am.

[m_bel]

Hi

I know what you mean about being afraid to be alone - I experience this daily too. It's horrible because it is so unpredictable. I can be fine for a few hours and all of a sudden it hits me.

Thank you for your advice. I think meditation and mindfulness are something I might have to start doing regularly. It is comforting to hear that they can be helpful.

[m_bel]

Hi Tony WK,

I am starting on my medication tomorrow morning. I think I have avoided medication for long enough, I guess it can't hurt to try. I'm not really sure why I am even afraid of them. I'm trying to remind myself that that many people have taken medication before me and it has helped them.

Thank you for your positive vibes.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi m_bel,

Thank you for posting and I'm really sorry to hear of everything happening. It sounds like from reading your post that you've had a very heavy load over the last couple of years, and that since talking about it was hard maybe it was hard to process that grief as well.

I agree with TonyWK and finjake so will not add to much. I did just want to say this -

You said in your post that the doctor said it was anxiety but how did he know because your brother was misdiagnosed. It sounds like a big 'what if' there so I encourage you to chat to your GP about your concerns. Sometimes it can help to get peace of mind in knowing that there is nothing medically wrong; and maybe that means doing another test, or maybe that means your GP clearly explaining why he's made that decision about your anxiety.

Also I will add that what you've described with anxiety is not unheard of. Anxiety (and trauma) can present in so many different ways. They are basically physical manifestations of emotional stress. In short - because this has become so hard to cope with, your body is coping with it in the only way it knows how. The good news is though is that it won't last forever and you are definitely on the right track with seeing a psychologist.

I hope that telling you this is helpful; I've struggled with a lot of physical symptoms and the fear that something was really wrong, (as well as losing family to cancer) but I think that knowing can be a big step in helping you find your way forward.