Long lost family and anxiety!

[StaticRose51]

Hi all I have anxiety and coping a lot better than i was and also picked up studying and work part time. Recently some family members from interstate got in touch with me and wanted to know how i was going and to let me know that my grandmother on dads side had passed. Although I didn't get to meet her I feel a profound sense of sadness for the time lost. Is this normal, my father didn't even mention her and rarely speaks to me now since his father has also passed. I was 25 the last time we spoke.

Should i wait for the appropriate time or keep trying to offer love and kind thoughts for their healing. I can contact an uncle and cousin also so maybe they will be able to offer more insight? I apparently also have other siblings as well and the last thing we need to be doing is fighting.

[White_Rose]

Dear StaticRoses

Welcome to the forum.

Your family relationships sound a little complicated and I am unsure if I have the story correctly. My condolences on the loss of your grandmother. Even though you never met her I feel this is a significant loss in your life. Mostly we do know our grandparents unless they live in another country or have passed away before we were born. Grandparents are special people. Not being your parents means a different relationship between grandparent and grandchild. I know my children had a great relationship with my mother even though she lived in the UK. My dad died in the UK before the children had a chance to meet him. Both of my husband's parents died before I met him.

I am a grandmother and love being with my grandchildren especially while they are young though I also enjoy the company of my older grandchildren. It is special. Without being morbid I expect I will die before my grandchildren as this is the normal way of things. I hope they will miss me because it will mean they knew me and enjoyed being with me.

You have not had the experience of being with this grandmother but I think you can still grieve over the lost opportunity. No matter what the circumstances it can still be sad to know you had a fairly close family member who has passed away before you could meet her. I believe I would feel sad in that circumstance.

I think it's never too early to offer comfort and support to your interstate family on the death of your grandmother. Have you met any members of this part of your family? If you feel you want to know more about the family it seems reasonable to ask if it's OK to talk about it. You can offer to wait until they feel ready to chat to you. So long as you you speak kindly and respectfully of the family members I see no reason why keeping in contact would be a problem for you or your cousins. If they are not ready to chat yet I suggest you keep in general contact, perhaps by email, and talk about other topics until they feel able to talk about your grandmother. It's more a case of feeling your way forward.

Not sure what to say about your dad. You say he has not spoken to you since you were 25. Not sure how long ago that was as I do not know your present age. Did you meet your paternal grandfather? It sounds as though there has been some sort of family split but I am unsure of this. If I have mistaken any of the family dynamics please accept my apologies.

Mary

[StaticRose51]

Hi mary thanks for your reply I barely know my dads side of the family as he and my mother never married and he left when i was born although caught up with my later in my late teens and early twenties. I am now older almost 29 and feel grateful for the e-mails I do have from my uncle and cousin on dads side. It is absolutely ok for me to talk about her with my uncle - so I shall just keep it really respectful and perhaps give them time.

My Grandmother on mums side knows we talk and feels like that's been missing in my life so she is glad for me. I can be grateful. 🙂

As they are in the midst of the dreadful fires in queensland at the moment so I know they will be busy.