I’ve dealt with severe health anxiety, OCD and depression for the majority of my life. My health anxiety started when I was 9, and since then (I’m 21 now),
I’ve been convinced that I’ve had a number of different diseases. These aren’t just small
worries that give me anxiety from time-to-time, these are worries that are debilitating
and lead to daily panic attacks, vomiting, and neglecting my responsibilities
such as work and school.
Around age 17, my health anxiety got so bad that I was having
daily panic attacks and ended up having a breakdown in one of my high school classes, which led to me leaving high school altogether.
I couldn’t manage my anxiety at all, and I didn’t think I could cope.
Around age 13 I began to experience intrusive thoughts regarding homosexuality,
although at the time I didn’t have a label for them. These thoughts were
uncontrollable and would send a rush of anxiety through my body. As I got older
these became more common with immoral things (such as harm), and I’m still trying to find a solution to eliminate them. I would never want to hurt myself or anyone, which is why I hate these thoughts and they cause me so much anxiety.
I constantly seek reassurance and am in a state where I am
not enjoying my life. I spend hours every day ruminating over the same thoughts
and feeling empty inside. I wake up every morning with a pit in my stomach and my
mind racing, I have thoughts and memories throughout the day that cause me a
great deal of anxiety and feel like I can’t escape my mind. I am starting to
wonder why I put myself through this, everyone tells me to “hang in there” and “be
strong”, but what’s the point? I don’t enjoy my life. I wake up in the morning and
the one thing I look forward to is going to bed in the evening so I can escape my
mind for a few more hours. I have spent thousands of dollars on CBT, I meditate
daily, and still can’t get a break from my mind. I see a psychologist every week, who diagnosed me with anxiety, OCD, and depression and to be fair, she is great. I always
leave her sessions feeling a lot better, she is patient with me and gives me a lot of
material to review between sessions. She emails me during the week, and is probably one of the
sole reasons I haven’t given up on life. I haven't taken my life because I don't want to hurt my family or girlfriend who I know love me, but I just want to feel better. If anyone has
any advice for me at all I would appreciate it.
Thanks.
