Just Humiliated Myself

[Numb]

Hello there 

I suffer from depression, anxiety and very low self esteem.  Worst part, I never seem to be able to learn from past mistakes.  I stood up for myself this morning, and was torn down by others.  The thing is, I know in my heart and by their previous actions, I needed to protect myself.  So I spoke up, politely, with respect but to the point.  I was instantly met with opposition, I stood my ground, but self doubt flooded over me.  I was unable to continue my (rightly so) defence, and retreated.  I am so upset, confused and why the heck, can't I flick off unjust negativity!  I always doubt, loathe, second guess and question my perception of reality. Absorbing needless humiliation.  I am actually crying whilst typing this. 

[melodica]

Hello

I hear how much pain you are in right now. Crying is a completely valid release when you feel overwhelmed.

I know what it is like to finally gather the courage to stand up for yourself, only to be met with opposition that makes you question your entire reality. It is exhausting to absorb that negativity and second-guess your own heart.

Retreating in that moment was not a failure to learn from past mistakes. When we face sudden opposition, our nervous system often takes over to protect us from further distress. Your brain did what it had to do to keep you safe in a highly stressful situation.

I have found that when self-doubt floods in, I  focus on physical grounding rather than arguing with my thoughts. Feeling your feet on the floor or holding something cold can help bring your nervous system back to the present. You were brave to speak up. Their reaction is a reflection of them. 

[therising]

Hi Numb

My heart goes out to you so much as you struggle with a sense of reality that leads you to so many questions, while also leading you to self doubt and tears. 

I've found 'reality' to be a very strange thing. It can shift often and can be highly dependent on perception or imagination. What I've been led to imagine vs what I begin to imagine (something altogether different) can dictate a shift in reality. The shift creates a whole different path to walk down. To offer just a few examples

• I can be led to imagine everyone in a particular area of my life is against me and in my mind and with my experience it appears that they are or I can imagine those people are forcing me to develop higher levels of self esteem. In order for me to develop higher levels of self esteem, they are going to have to be cruel and degrading. They are often going to lead me to self doubt until I break free from self doubt. If they were not this way, I would not feel forced to question and address self esteem. My reality becomes 'Bring it on! Lead me to have to develop my self esteem, to a level that blows my mind'
• I can be led to imagine my sensitivity is a weakness and every time I feel a depressing sense of degradation or am feeling brought down I'm being 'weak' or I can imagine my sensitivity is an ability and every time I feel a depressing sense of degradation I am experiencing my ability to feel the nature of a degrading person. My reality shifts to 'I have the ability to feel the nature of others, amongst other things. I am a feeler'
• I can be led to imagine a sense of intolerance and anger to be bad things or I can imagine these things I sense to be the very things that fuel me in a positive sense. My reality shifts to 'Is this the right time to conjure up a little intolerance and motivating anger? I shall start conjuring. I will start consciously and magically churning such things up inside of me until I can feel such a force driving me'. Btw, I've found it's important to maintain a particular level of intolerance and anger, otherwise they can get out of control (if not maintained or carefully managed). The volume dial on such powerful emotions sometimes needs to be preset before entering into a situation. From zero to 10, keeping such emotions at a 5 may be the challenge

It's one thing to imagine, it's another to put what it is that we imagine into practice. 

Sometimes it pays to ask 'What or who has led me to imagine this thing that no longer works for me?' or 'What or who has led me to imagine the things that lead me to a sense of sufferance?'. If we've been led to imagine and practice our value in being a people pleaser, that kind of reality dictates 'I am worthless if I don't please people. They will not like me if I'm not pleasant or pleasing'. In reality, learning to love and please ourself can be one of the greatest challenges we face in life. 

I offer, through the wise words of Washington Irving, the lovable and respectable reality of tears, 'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love'.

[Numb]

Hello therising

I thank you for taking the time to generously reach out, with your helpful reply.

I read and re-read your wise words and they rang true with me.  I can't say that I am living, but merely treading water through life at present.  There's so much pain and suffering in this world and my troubles are insignificant to those whose lives have been devastated by wars and conflicts.

Ive screen shot your reply so that I can refer back to it when I feel myself slipping.  

Regards

Numb 

[Numb]

Thank you melodica

I appreciate your helpful reply.  Your words rang true.  Can't say the emotional washing machine in the pit of my stomach has left, but I am working on trying to move forward. 

I am truly grateful for your good self and those like you, who take the time to reach out and help others.

I needed to be heard and perhaps experience validation, more than anything.

Regards

Numb 

[Doors24]

Dear Numb,

 I read your post and it resonated with me deeply. I often feel the same way as you are in your post.

 I think it is for a few reasons.

1. I have the smallest hope that things will be different now and in the future with the people I have around me. Even when it is demonstrated time and time again that things never change. I still have the smallest hope that things will and could get better. And we would be happier in life together, if it finally ever happened. And I don’t know how to give up that tiny 1% of hope I still clutch onto. What it would mean if I finally let it go, in reality.

2. Often people don’t like when others are assertive or even logical in a conversation. Because if it means even a little bit of effort on their part, it is too much for them. And they will shut it down, even if it is at the benefit of someone they care or love. Or ironically their self esteem will take a hit if they can’t be right all the time.

3. It is unfortunately a learned response that if someone else rejects or ignores us, that we internalise that it must be our own fault that it happened. However in reality, you can’t control the actions of any other person other then yourself. And it can be considered gaslighting behaviour, because the other person gets what they want, without thoughts or consideration of how that impacts you. But I can assure you that you did nothing wrong by expressing your thoughts to them.

 If you were polite, reasonable and rational, you shouldn’t consider it humiliation upon yourself. It is courageous instead. It was setting a boundary for yourself to protect yourself. And that is incredibly brave and important for yourself. Dealing with people who are inflexible and constantly too, is so draining. But I assure you that there are reasonable people outside in the world who don’t communicate like this.

It is also okay to grow and learn from these interactions and gradually grow away from these people too. It is a slow process, but we can learn we deserve better than this and that these people don’t have to be so integral in our lives. You can love someone(especially family), but you don’t have to like them as people. And in the end you can lead a happier life that can continue to grow and expand and their lives will continue to shrink as people leave them because of their behaviour.

It doesn’t feel fair when it happens, but you can rebuild yourself back up. Because you sound pretty strong to me.

Doors24

[Numb]

Thank you Doors24

I am overwhelmed that there are those who not only take the time to respond in kind, but I can also relate to and they to me.  I don't feel as isolated or (how I would describe myself as being ) "so different".  You have an amazing insight and yes, we are similar in thought and circumstances to some extent.  You very much come across as having courage and compassion.  I can only try to move forward, learn to at least like myself and not be my own worst enemy.   Wishing you the best.

Regards

Numb 

[therising]

Hi Numb

While we may not have experienced what it is like to live in a war zone or be a survivor of a violent crime and other devastating things along those lines, we still may have felt devastation for ourself in our own life. While we may not have experienced the overwhelming stress and grief in relation to having lost a much loved business that we built from scratch, we may have felt overwhelming stress and grief in our own life. While we may not be able to relate to what it's like to face a myriad of other challenges in life, we may have felt challenge on its many different levels and in its many different forms. While some of our challenges may pale in comparison to others, we are still capable of feeling at similar depths at times. 

I'm familiar with that feeling of treading water or that feeling of 'completely lost', as I am feeling such things at the moment in my life. Perhaps it's about not having a landmark in sight, to swim or walk towards. No obvious goal to head towards or aim for. I feel like actually screaming and crying out loud 'I'M SO LOST!!!'. I believe most of us have an inner guide. The question becomes 'How to tap into it'. Internal or external guide, sometimes a guide is a must, especially when it comes to unfamiliar territory.

Numb, something actually just occurred to me. While I've been wondering why no one can sense how lost I feel, I realise it's because I tend to save my tears for when no one's around. Sometimes our outcries, in whatever form, need to be obvious. When we cry out in some way, I don't believe it's always about looking to be consoled by people. Often it's about looking for a sense of direction. If I had a choice between consolation and direction, I'd choose the latter. Give me an island oasis to doggy paddle towards🏝😊, as opposed to giving me nothing more than hugs in the middle of an ocean of confusion.

[trying_my_best]

Hi Numb! 

I have found myself suffering from this throughout my life as well! However, one important thing I’ve learnt (and it is hard to learn!) is that those who belittle me and make me feel small are not my friends and should not be a part of my life. If they’re not willing to listen to my perspective as I am there’s and choose to argue instead, I choose to simply let them go. I have done this in a slow and gradual “loss of contact” and it seems to work well for me.

However it took me so many times of repeating these scenarios to properly learn, hence why I said learning is hard! In this instance it can sometimes hurt! But the hard things are always the most worth while! 

I wish you the best! 🫶