Is it me or anxiety?

[EeeDee]

Hi, this is my first post here. I suppose I'm writing this in hopes someone reading this has the answer.
I have had anxiety all my life but I used to manage it well, even through the seven years of my teaching career. A little bit of withdrawel now and then, over compensating other times. But recently some changes have occurred at the school I've been a teacher at for four years, the changes will affect my future there. In a nutshell I won't have a job next year as they are making changes to the lessons being taught - goodbye art and hello science. My issue isn't the changes, although it devastates me to think that my art program was not valued enough to hold on to despite community support and positive feedback. My anxiety took hold when it was revealed to me at a staff meeting with no heads up or prewarning. I was told the other teachers had voted for science. So there I sat, next to my colleagues thinking I have just been betrayed and no one thought to pull me aside and council me on the changes. Or even talk to me afterwards. It broke my spirit. I respected these people but they obviously did not value me or the hard work and relationships I had built. I went home and cried, I hid myself beneath a blanket to ashamed to tell my family I had failed. What were they to think except that I must have done something wrong. My son said the handling from the school was brutal. Whats worse is I spiraled and had to take sick leave. I had a collegue at school who supported me but recently I have not heard from her. I'm frightened I scared her away with my behavior. I texted her an apology recently for drawing her into my mess but she has not replied. Now I'm telling myself I'm a self absorbed shit that should be worrying about bigger things. That even she thinks I'm nuts and over reacted. I want to call the school make things right, but I have developed a tremor in my hand that disturbs me and I feel ill thinking f walking into my classroom again. I loved that space, it was a happy place of learning. Am I crazy, selfish or is just the anxiety? Why do I keep reliving how I handled the situation and wanting to turn back time. Its really pathetic really when there is so much more heavier problems in the world. Am I alone in this. I'm seeking help but I worry they might think I'm narcissistic or paranoid. I used to think I was tough, caring and emphatic but now I'm not sure. This anxiety has me tied up in knots.

[blueskye]

Hi EeeDee,

Welcome! We're here for you! 🙂

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.

My anxiety is similar to yours. I can keep it under wraps day-to-day, but sometimes you CAN'T because something has set you off. Make the most out of your sick leave and take care of yourself.

You're not self-absorbed. Your supporting colleague at school is probably unsure about what to say/doesn't want to say the wrong thing. Hearing about someone's issues, especially mental health, can be overwhelming. blueVoices is great because we're all here on a mission to give each other responses and support others about these kinds of stuff! You can also consider talking to a psychologist on how to better control your anxiety.

Family can be scary to confront. Mine is! However, understand that you did nothing wrong so you're NOT a failure. That school was not meant to be, and your next chapter at another school or whatever you do, is going to be better!

I personally prefer art over science, but everyone has different preferences. Your colleagues could have personally preferred science and their decision had nothing to do with you as a person. It can also be hard for them to tell you about their decisions themselves as they most-likely felt guilty. I'm certain your art program was fantastic. You sound like a passionate and brilliant teacher. You have great chances on landing another Art Teacher job due to your passion, work experience, and portfolio (make sure you keep the written evidence of positive feedback). They will all shine through.

You're still tough, caring and emphatic.

Please keep us updated xx

[EeeDee]

Thank you Bluesky, your reply makes so much sense. Its hard not to take everything personally, I was dealt the short end of the straw. That's life but it hurts thinking I was not worth more then the treatment dealt to me during those changes. Despite my anxiety I believe I am strong person and I have so much love in my life I know that I can move on once the rawness has settled. Once again thank you for your kind words.

[Stina2]

EedDee, I'm so sorry for your experiences. Schools are awful places. No wonder student bullying is a problem in schools when there many teachers who are without empathy or care when it comes to people's emotions. Schools are very cut throat places these days, based on networking with other teachers to screw over the more honest and sensitive amongst us. It's so hard to walk away from this situation but you obviously have no choice. I'm sure when you tell your family they will see it as it really is, not your fault but completely out of your control. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Keep your head held high.

[EeeDee]

I agree Stina, we expect so much from our students but I am realising that often its do as we say not as we do. I have been deeply wounded of the lack of care and colleague support from my school. It has been hushed up at the school and I have to be careful not to start blaming myself for what happened. Or feel ashamed for having a nervous breakdown. Thank goodness for family and good friends who are able to keep things in perspective for me. I was a number, bottom of the pile and its hard to recover from the realisation that I actually never mattered to leadership and others involved in the decision making. It is a ruthless world made worse by department demands. I miss the the children and I miss the good times when I thought we had each others back. There is a saying often said to teachers "you need to toughen up" while I agree to survive you do need to develop a bottomless pit of resilience but I hate when its used to dismiss / excuse other peoples behavior.