Is it bad to be conflicted about wanting kids because of my toxic parents?

[asianaussie]

Heads up, I'm not expecting a baby nor in a relationship. I'm at a stage where my friends/peers are having kids, and I've spent time babysitting them. Many of my friends enjoy parenthood and seem to treat their kids well. It gives me resentment because of my own relationship with my parents.

On surface level, my parents were abusive and uncaring. As a child, I was beaten and chastised, from being 'naughty' to failing a subject (particularly Maths). I was banned from attending any friends' parties and was enrolled into tutoring schools for extra homework. Even when I got A's for something, they would not care. But when I got B's or even C's, I would be screamed at and told 'what's wrong with you? You're so stupid!'. 

As I grew older, I was chastised for 'talking to boys', to the point where they locked my social media accounts and I was sent to an all-girl's school. On top of school work, my weight and appearance became the butt of jokes/comments, being told I was 'too fat, too ugly.' My mother went into my room several times and confiscated things, confronting and accusing me of  'doing bad things about the family to gain popularity'. My father was very withdrawn and did not attend any school awards, my musical/drama performances. In fact I was also criticised for doing performing arts and they went to the Subject Heads, to force me to change subjects  .

Even as an adult, I am still dealing with the mental fallout of my parents and they still refuse to accept any wrongdoing. They say that I'm 'a snowflake', and that 'this is the Asian way, get used to it'. But who tells their kids they are worthless? Who refuses to attend any single showcase and not acknowledge any success, hard work or struggle? Who dismisses and jokes about their issues? Who walks into their room, takes things and confronts them with it? 

Now at 25, they are nagging about 'having grandchildren' and 'marrying'. I feel so conflicted about marrying and having kids right now, because I fear I will be a bad mother. I do not want them to go through the same thing as I did. I also have mental health issues and would fear they would be affected. Is this wrong?

[SBEL]

It must have been incredibly difficult for you growing up with such unsupportive parents, its really upsetting to hear you were never sung praises for succeeding and only put down when you weren’t.

I don't feel you need to make that decision about children just yet, it never has to be a definitive line but more then likely i don't think you would subject your child or children to what you were subject too, in fact you may make it your goal to ensure those things that happened to you wouldn't happen to them because you know how it felt as a child. Be confident of your choices though no matter what your parents think, your decisions in life (especially regarding having kids) should come from you and your future partner, not from what only makes your parents ‘happy’. I hope you are able to distance yourself from their negativity and be proud of any future choices you make in life with or without their support.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As SBEL said, having insight into the abuse you received as a child by your parents (and it is indeed abuse) means you'll likely ensure your children dont suffer the same. There will be fragments of behaviour you'll adopt from your parents by nature that wont be ideal but as you grow with your kids you'll counter such actions when you realise "that is a little like what my parents would have done". You'll need to accept that such small reminders of similar behaviour is normal and acceptable and not be paranoid about "I'm acting like my parents".

My mother is a narcissistic domineering person, I didnt end up the same, struth no, I developed my own values and have a beautiful 33yo daughter. 

Yes, you have some time on your hands at 25yo but can I suggest that you have some memories that have remained logged in your mind that could need addressing with therapy to move on from the memories of your growing up. I'd visit your GP and discuss with him the past issues. Your parents likely came from a far different environment and their abuse was possibly based on the need to succeed to ensure you didnt have the life they had and so on so their intentions were good and they didnt know the damage they were causing. This needs working through to ensure you move forward without the resentment.

I hope you are ok

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Asianaussie, your parents have been detrimental in bringing you up, but realise different naturalities behave by custom, however, it's Australia where you live, and you are a person all by yourself and need to make a decision by yourself if you want to marry someone and not be swayed off by your parents, because at some stage you will have your own family where no one can ostracise you.

Custom or not, live the life you want to because none of us can please everybody, but it's our own life we have to develop.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[therising]

Hi asianaussie

While what you went through was terrible and so obviously abusive, the fact you are conscious of it all says so much about you. You are a highly conscious person, a trait that is a must in parenthood. To be conscious of your child's suffering, the challenges they're facing, the state of their mental health, their needs (including their need for joy and guidance) etc is a must in a close mutually respectful and loving relationship.

Being a 1st time mum at 31 and having my 2nd child at 35, I can say I felt no compulsion to have children 'til I hit 30. With my babies now 17 and 20, over the years I've learned something so important as a parent...our children can be our greatest teachers and guides in life. How carefully we pay attention as a student determines how we evolve and who we become. With every question they throw at us, we have the chance to become more reasonable, searching for and offering reasons. We also become an example of what being reasonable looks like. To say over and over 'Don't question me, just do as you're told' serves no one. Every significant challenge they face is an opportunity to grow with them as we guide them through a challenge we may not have faced before. To say 'Just get on with it and stop complaining' is not only a shutdown, it stops our mind from opening as we reject the opportunity to become a more open minded problem solver with them. Every push that requires us to be more patient or more actively loving is a chance to develop into a more patient and actively loving person. The list goes on when it comes to how our children can lead us to grow. 

I imagine you were a good teacher as a child but your parents didn't care to learn. You may prove to be a great and loving highly conscious student of your child or children if you decide to become a parent. As for the push to get married and give them grandchildren, if they're looking for something to entertain them or excite them at this stage of their life, you could suggest you're busy doing what excites and entertains you. Loving your self to life can become a time consuming job yet it can be classed as time well spent in your search for joy and growth. ❤️

[asianaussie]

Thank you SBEL,

I've been trying hard to save money to move out, and work towards achieving independence. Right now, it's hard because of my finances, and their pressures to convince me to stay. At this stage, I don't want to be in a relationship, let alone have kids until I am able to achieve these goals. 

[asianaussie]

Thank you white knight,

I've been speaking with my therapist about these issues, and working on a plan to move out, own a car and gain independence. Once I achieve these goals, then I'll see what happens. Right now, I don't actually want kids or be in a relationship, it's the pressure I've faced from my parents.

[asianaussie]

Thank you Geoff,

It's hard being an Australian-born Asian with parents who were taught that this was okay in their culture. I am working hard to achieve independence and move out, so that I can think and feel better about myself and my future.

[asianaussie]

Thank you therising,

Naturally, I wouldn't mind having kids or not, however it's the cultural and societal pressure by my parents to have them straightaway that is causing conflict. I am working hard on achieving independence, including loving myself and seeing that I'm not at all what they think.

[therising]

Hi asianaussie

It sounds like you have a good solid plan in place which includes learning how to love yourself in all the right ways, moving out to find some freedom, setting financial goals and possibly unlearning some belief systems that would act as a block when it comes to becoming who you naturally are. That's all a lot of work and something to be incredibly proud of.

Breaking tradition can be such a tough thing to do for some. We could be one in a line of many, one in hundreds of years of generations/people that came before us. To break what you know to be the wrong traditions for you (whether it involves when to get married or how to treat your children) doesn't make you wrong, it makes you a great pioneer. It makes you the first and a great example for those who long to follow your lead.

My wish for you is that your path ahead is filled with brilliant inspiring revelations, great moments of self love and an abundance of gifts you so very much deserve. I hope it is filled with so many moments that give you the opportunity to be you.