i feel like ive calmed down enough to write this...even tho im still hiding in on the floor in my toilet with the lights off but im calm enough to risk the noise of the clicking of my keyboard so
i wrote something similar in the ask kim section but i asked them to delete it bc it made me sound nuts but i wish i didnt bc i really do want an answer so now i have to re write it
so i feel things that dont really seem to fit into anxiety or depression (which i apparently have too) and i dont know if they are in fact part of anxiety or if they're just weird thoughts bc im a freak
so im terrified of small talk, crowds, & people in general which all seems normal enough for anxiety i think, but then sometimes im genuinly afraid of people. like, i always have the "theyre talking about you thoughts" but then theres also "theyre coming to get you"
like i can be out and then i freak out that the people around me are all following me and when i past them theyll stop pretending to be normal and just stare at me. i can be on a bus and i feel like the driver will turn around with some demonic face and ill be trapped and i have to get off the bus. sometimes im scared to run away bc i feel like i cant let them know i know if i do itll get worse and if i turn away thell come closer so i have to look at them, but sometimes its so bad i have to run away
i can be in my bed and think theres someone in my room and i have to stay still or theyll know and sometimes its hours where im so terrified id rather piss the bed than get up (gross & pathetic i know) or a face at my window or people coming into my house (what happened now) sometimes it passes sometimes it doesnt
sometimes its stuff like when theres no one around but the trees are moving in the wind i feel like something in the trees is coming to get me
im not crazy because i dont actually think 24 7 the government is after me and i know its dumb and stupid & my brain says that but theres another part thats also like "ok but are you sure?"
when i was at uni i was at the library and this man was using a computer near me and this voice was like "get out hes watching you" & i was like, dont be stupid, but i still ran away, not even goin back for my usb & watter bottle
i cant put it into words it doesnt sound right but its like 2am & ive re written it too many times already
like i know its not normal, but i dunno if its anxiety not normal, or if its a weird thing like people who cant walk under ladders kind of not normal
