Okay,
For quite a while (3 months) I've been able to keep my intrusive thoughts at bay. But now they're coming back again and there's nothing I can do about it. The thoughts derive from my friendships, I feel like all my friends hate me or secretly don't like me. I've been good at telling myself that "If they didn't like you, they wouldn't be talking to you." But that's the thing, it feels like everyone's hardly putting the effort into talking to me anymore. And I feel so selfish because in my mind I constantly need this validation from my friends to know that I'm not hated.
Some things that have made me think like this.
1. I ask my friends to call with me and they say "Yeah, I will later." And then none of them joins, I ask them why not and they simply respond with "I can't be bothered."
And it's irrational but I can't do anything about how I feel.
2. My friend was going to tell myself and 2 others about something big that went down, and we're a really close group so I don't understand what's the point of secrecy. And she says "Let's just private call" to my other friend, leaving me and my other friend alone. She used to tell me stuff about her life, important stuff and I can't help but feel, replaced?
3. She's going out to different parties, making new friends, there are no possessive thoughts like "I want her to stay happy with our group!" But more so, "Oh, so I'm not enough."
These thoughts keep coming into my head and they're so irrational but it's a series of small things that spike my whatever this feeling is.
I have a bad history with friends leaving me for no reason and for the first time in 3 months I feel like I'm in that state again where I think everyone hates me.
4. My best friend tries to catch up with me (when I mean catch up, I mean like saying "Hi" and that's the end of our conversation) and it's a nice gesture but I look too deep into it and I think to myself "He's probably gotten bored of you. That's why he's not talking to you anymore."
I just see all my friends having fun with other people and I'm left alone. By myself.
If I were to say it in a slightly nauseating, profound sentence it'd be: All I have is them, but they have it all.
