In my 40s and still feel worthless, undeserving and unattractive

Guest_48836861

Im 44, and have never felt pure joy in life. I have never felt self concious and disgusting. I cant stand mirrors. I have zero self worth. No confidence, i fake smiles every day. My partner tells me he loves me, I dont believe him. People tell me I am attractive and intelligent, I truly believe they are delusional. Anyone who pays me a compliment is being kind because they must feel sorry for me. I someone was about to get hit by a bus, I would jump in the way to save them because I would beloved their life is more valuable than mine. I cry for hours feeling completely hopelessness and heart break that I am old and ugly.

Dollie

Dear guest.

I understand your struggles. I'm younger than you yet I have never felt pure joy in my life either. Everyone see's this positive person on the outside. The one who laughs and makes jokes, the one who has money and uplifts everyone. Yet there's nobody there to uplift me or their comments feel fake and hollow. I want to cry constantly but I can't. I feel hopeless. I have these great expectations that I feel I can't fufill and constantly feel like I'm worthless and will never succeed in life.

therising

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face a time in your life that is challenging you so much and in so many ways.

As a 55yo gal, it took me decades to wake up to the idea that we're born with so many gifts which can seemingly diminish or disappear over time and we can feel them having diminished or disappeared.

We can feel our gift of imagination having left us to some degree, to the point where there's no way we can imagine how amazing we are and how able we are. At times we can't even see the best way forward, while no longer being the seer or visionary we once were
We can feel our gift of wonder having left us to some degree, to the point where we just don't know how to wonder anymore. We can get into the habit of jumping to all the wrong conclusions, as opposed to wondering about why we're suffering in some way, why we don't like ourself, why we can't feel in the ways we long to etc etc
We can feel our gift of sensitivity having left us to some degree, to the point where we don't know how to constructively come to our senses anymore. Once upon a time we easily sensed the passionate need to go to the park and play and we sensed the adventurer in us pushing us to ask our parents to take us. Why can we no longer sense our most passionate needs or the adventurer in us?

Three gifts amongst many. To put it bluntly, what the hell happened (over time)? I think a lot depends on the leaders or guides we have in our life. Who leads us to continue imaging, wondering and sensing? Who leads us to develop our ability to imagine, wonder and sense, to the point where we can easily imagine what love is, wonder about what love is and sense what love is and whether it's present? If we knew, we'd be able to say 'It all makes sense. I know why I can't feel love. I know why I can easily love some people but not others. I know why I don't feel loved by others'. If we wondered to the point of revelation, we'd know why it's painful to look in the mirror. If we could imagine what makes us so attractive and intelligent, we'd know why others find us attractive and intelligent. And if we could sense our own soul, that which makes us so much more than just a mind and body, we'd know why we can sense such deep soulful overwhelming heartbreak at times.

When all our gifts or abilities start to come back online in significant ways, it's a game changer.❤️