I need help

[chociloni]

I dont know how coherent this post is going to be, so I'm just going to blurt everything out. And I hope I dont offend anyone with what I'm about to say. 

I have been unemployed for just over a year, ive had freelance jobs here and there. The process of dealing with c'link is awful, plus having too much time on my hands, its ripped myself esteem and is crazy making.

I have many qualifications and heaps of job experience, however I'm starting to think maybe it's because I suffer from depression and anxiety that I'm not getting a job and employers can see that I'm mentally ill and dont want to hire me? Am I paranoid? Is there something wrong with me? Am I defective? I had an abusive childhood, it was a weird childhood though. I was locked in a cupboard as a 3 year old, I had very controlling parents...I was controlled so much that I was barely allowed to leave the house, my father used to lock the door when I was a teenager so I couldnt get out. I was manipulated and brainwashed. As a kid I felt like I wasn't a real person, I was a science experiment. Everything was rules and structure. My father and his brothers and sisters all have some sort of emotional dysfunction, but have never had any major diagnosis' ....his parents (my grandparents, both died when I was about 10) were flat out batshit crazy. (sorry if I offend anyone here) My nanna had schizoaffective bipolar with a personality disorder, I have no problem with a person with this diagnosis but she was an evil twisted horrible person, my granddad never had any official diagnosis but he was a strange eccentric person and was an extreme socialist (or something? into all these radical ideas and had rules about how people should walk ...he died when I was a kid I was always very scared of him and didn't know him very well). I also remember visiting them in psych wards when I was a kid, it was very scary and confusing. I always wondered am I like this? My diagnosis has only ever been an anxiety disorder with dysthymic depression. I have always been very functional though. As I am unemployed and it's doing my head in my mind leaps back into this stigma of the mentally ill and my grandparents and how I should have some sort of stamp on my head, and how again now I need to classify myself and put into a structure the way my parents always did...although I do know that this isnt normal, but I feel hurt and alone. Yes I take meds and have a therapist, but how can I help and reassure myself? 

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Chociloni,

I just wanted to welcome you to the BB forums. I'm glad you've come here, there are wonderful people here willing to share their stories and experiences. 

While I have depression it is from chronic illness so I am unable to offer much other than a listening ear and to let you know you are not alone.

You have been through quite an ordeal and it must have been very tough on you.  I can see how having the family history would play on your mind but trusting and believing in your professional helpers would seem the right path to me. I can see you are seeing a GP and therapist which is great.  The reason I think this way is that I have an inner fear of cancer because both my parents passed from it. However theirs were smoking related and I have never smoked so I have to remind mysrlf that it's illogical to think like that.

I am sure some others will come along soon to help out. 

Kind thoughts

Carol

[pipsy]

Dear chociloni.  I can well understand how scared you feel with becoming a carbon copy of past relations.  Visiting patients in institutions at such a young age would've been terrifying.  Your parents obviously didn't stop to think about the effect on you either.  You've obviously told your therapist about the ordeal you were exposed to.  There's no easy answer for what and how you feel.  Has your therapist ever discussed how you stop the nightmares coming into your everyday life.  What you are experiencing are nightmares from past horrific events.  Your father was quite delusional from the sounds of things too.  To keep a small child locked away.  You are extremely sensitive to any sort of pain, both physical and mental, this prevents you from being able to relax and makes you extremely fearful of perhaps being institutionalized yourself.  It's a very real fear you have and perhaps seeing your Dr to arrange for an appointment with a different type of therapist.  Were you referred to your present therapist, if so, I would definitely ask for a referral for more intense counselling than you are receiving.  You're not defective, nor are you actually mentally ill, as such.  You are unbelievable scared because of your horrific past experiences, understandably.  I also believe you do suffer horrible depression and the help you're getting is not really the sort of help you need.  Unfortunately, to receive the intense help you need, you're going to have to see your Dr, tell him exactly what you've mentioned here and ask him how to get the intense help you need.  You almost need re-programming.  People during war who were held as P.O.W's suffered PTSD, I think you have similar symptoms and need the same help they did.

Best wishes on this painful journey.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi chociloni,

Thanks for reaching out.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and it sounds like you have a long history. I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist; do you find that they're helping?  

Stigma around mental illness and especially identity is so difficult to tackle. The truth is that mental illness is just a diagnosis, despite it affecting so much of our lives including our personality, the way we grow up, what we believe.  Sometimes I liken mental illness to dementia because after all - it's only a condition even if it does affect the brain and our quality of life at times.

From reading your post, it sounds like your biggest struggle is around employment - but know that being employed doesn't determine your identity or self-worth.  Just because a person is employed doesn't mean that they are quote on quote 'normal'.  Lots of people with and without mental illness have jobs, and lots of people with and without mental illness are unemployed.

If you are looking for work though, employers are not able to discriminate based on your condition.  If you're ready and able to look for work, that's great - but if not, it might be worth looking into employment agencies that specialise in mental health so that they can help work with you (and the employer) to get a good balance of what you need/want in an ideal job.  Some people may even find that they need certain accommodations or a work environment so it's worth considering getting an agency if you're ready.

I hope this helps,

[chociloni]

I believe I am in the right type of therapy, just what I'm working on is very painful. if there is some high speed quick therapy out there let me know! I was told through this American website that I need 'trauma release therapy,' I haven't found anything like in Australia. The most effective therapy I've had is from when I lived in Perth, the therapist concentrated on childhood attachment and inner child recovery. My current therapist does the same kind of therapy however I believe I dont have as good a connection with this Melbourne therapist as I did with the Perth one. 

As for employment...my issue isn't usually employment. I moved to Melbourne in February 2014, I was employed on a contract for about 6 months and have struggled to find new work ever since. I think unemployment and having a relationship with a total narcissist has lead me into this hole. The state of the economy is bad, all my qualifications and experience are in arts so it's a double whammy. 

[pipsy]

Hi choc.  Do you feel your new therapist isn't as genuine as the one you had in Perth?  If you're having doubts about this therapist, discuss your feelings with him/her.  He/she needs to know whether you're comfortable as this will affect your recovery.  When you're comfortable in therapy, you relax and talk more freely.  If you're uptight and uncomfortable, you tend to hold back for fear of retribution.  You said this therapist does the Trauma Release Therapy, but, no matter what teatment he/she gives, if you're uncomfortable it won't work.  Were you referred by a Dr to this therapist, if so, you can always return to the referring Dr, explain your unease and ask for another referral.  Can I ask if you can hear your father in your head putting you down for seeking help.  A lot of children of narcissist parents hear the parent's put down for years.  I'm not suggesting you hear voices as such, but when you have narcissistic parents, the destruction caused by them can take years to overcome.  Everytime you try to do something, all you can hear is the constant sneer, the critiscism.  If this is the case, you need to tell your therapist so they can give you strategies to overcome this negativity.   

[chociloni]

I feel she is genuine, I just feel I dont relate to her as well as the Perth one. The Melb one is more reserved or something. Yes I hear my parents voices in my head when seeking help, for example 'you've already had therapy you should be fixed by now!'

[pipsy]

Hi chociloni.  You need to write down when you hear the destructive voice of your parents, so your therapist knows exactly what you're dealing with.  All you need to believe is that your parents will never hurt you again.  I realise how hard that is when the voice is so loud it's deafening.  I used to use a strategy when I first left home (I was 17, unmarried and pregnant).  I stayed with my bf's parents till my daughter was 6 months old.  I moved into my own place and all I heard for what seemed months was my dad saying stuff like, what do you know about looking after a baby, you can't even look after yourself.  I could also hear the derision in his voice about things like, you won't even dry a dish.  I would tell my dad to go away, leave me alone.  It sounds crazy looking back, but, it worked.  It took time, dad was a very nasty narcissistic cruel person, but I got stronger through sheer determination.  Unlike today, I had no help (psychologist/psychiatrist), I just had sheer bloody mindedness to put it bluntly.  I would also turn the radio/t.v on not loud, but I would force myself to concentrate on what was on t.v/radio.  As I say, it took time, but you, unlike me, have help, ask your therapist for coping strategies for when you hear the nasty derision.  Do you have a soft pillow/cushion, another strategy comes to mind here.  You possibly feel enraged when you hear put downs, when this happens, beat the Hell out of the cushion/pillow.  Put all your strength into it, till you're worn out.  Abuse your tormentor while you're bashing the cushion, believe me it helps to get the tension out.  If these strategies sound crazy, remember, they work because the energy you put into bashing cushions is the energy you couldn't use on your tormentor.  Talk to your psych if you're unsure about these strategies.       

[chociloni]

Thanks Pipsy. I'll give it a go. I think I have problems with dissociation as well, where I go into a weird confusion zone, thinking my feelings 'arent real.' Ofcourse they are though. My therapy is on the ataaps system and I have 7 free sessions left for this, i worry i wont have enough time to work it all out. But I think thats a symptom of my childhood also, meeting expectations in such a small amount of time and not being able to express my emotions freely in my own time. Many people have hard lives and survive on nothing, and they make it through. I come from money, I need to get over barriers to think I can survive. 

[pipsy]

Hi, I'm pleased to hear you're going to give my abusing the pillow/cushion a try. Worrying about what amount of time you have to work through your feelings comes from being told exactly that. Children who grow up being constantly bullied, derided, abused, either carry the cycle into their adult lives, making everyone around them suffer as they did, or they are able to walk away emotionally and try not to treat others the same way. If they are lucky, some children meet people who either knew how they were treated, or understand where the nastiness, aggressiveness is coming from. Money (or lack of it) doesn't really come into surviving abuse. Surviving is understanding what happened and being able to put it into a box in your brain. The abuse I endured is now in that box. Now and again I visit the box, to re-inforce why I've had to divorce my brother. There is no hate, nor pity for him. I feel nothing. If he was to die tomorrow, so be it. Princess Di had money, but the abuse she suffered drove her to another person. We understand what happened to her, understanding why is another question, no-one knows why she was chosen. Had she have been left alone, she might not have endured the same treatment, she might still be alive. Does your psych give you homework, if she does, concentrate on the homework. These are helpful tools in your recovery process. If you find the homework impossible due to limited time, emotional feelings hampering you, be honest enough to tell her why the homework is impossible. How long does each session last? If you feel she's putting too much on you, tell her.