Navigating Anxiety in a Relationship

[Audrey_J]

I’ve not been feeling myself over the past few months. Only recently have I truly accepted that feelings of anxiety, insecurity and low self-worth have slowly but surely got the better of me.

One minute I feel content and well-adjusted and the next I’m visited by a heavy sense of gloom. Suddenly I don’t feel lovely enough and I worry, worry and worry. My chest tightens and my heart races. I forget how to breathe properly and I don’t feel worthy of love. I do realize the irrational and unhealthy nature of these feelings but it can feel very difficult to overcome at the time.

The feelings I’m experiencing are not completely unfamiliar to me. Cognitive behavioural therapy I received a few years ago helped me cope with feelings of anxiety and worthlessness. I’ve been reconnecting with techniques that helped at the time, such as practicing mindfulness, self-compassion and meditation. In a short amount of time, I can already feel the positive impact of these actions.

I’m in a loving relationship but I’ve been finding it difficult to communicate my needs and feel supported by my boyfriend. I’ve tried my best to explain what I’m going through and what it feels like when anxiety gets the better of me. I’ve encouraged him to seek information about anxiety too but it’s not something he wants to do.

Oftentimes my boyfriend is distant and apprehensive to show affection and speak to me when I feel anxious. Last night he told me that I’m “uninviting” of affection when I’m sitting silently and feeling overwhelmed. He also feels that it’s best when he says “nothing” because he feels responsible and worries that his words would make things worse. I found that hurtful and explained that sometimes I just want to be held and comforted. He apologized and promised to be more supportive in the future, which I appreciate so much. I love him dearly and I know he wants for me to be happy but I do worry that my anxiety is pushing him away.

It’s the first time I’ve experienced these feelings in a long term relationship so I would love to hear any advice you may have. I want to communicate effectively and feel completely supported whilst also being respectful of my boyfriend and his emotional needs.

Thank you kindly. x

[pipsy]

Hi Audrey J My name is Lynda. Can I ask what the original cause of your anxiety, insecurity. Did you have a loving supportive family? Often when we are raised by over strict, seemingly non-caring parents, this causes us to question our own self worth. When I say seemingly non-caring, I mean they were strict about bed times, meal times etc, but not able to demonstrate affection to children or each other. If your parents were the non-affectionate type, this is something obviously to do with how they were raised. My parents (for example) were quick to criticise, never praised us. I grew up thinking I wasn't worthy of being loved, because I wasn't loved. It's highly possible a lot of those early years have been forgotten or pushed to the back of your mind. I would try writing down (if possible) the areas you feel really unhappy about and show these to your bf. Sometimes trying to explain feelings that are impossible to explain come out better when we write it down. For instance your bf complains that to him you come across as uninviting of affection. If, for instance, you sit with arms folded, body language tells bf not to 'invade your space'. I know and you know that's not how you feel, but bf needs to know he's 'reading' you wrong. I can fully appreciate bf's remarks that he doesn't always know what to say or how to say it without hurting your feelings. Perhaps a lesson in communication might also be a good idea. If you contact your Dr and ask him to recommend someone who could teach you how to communicate. Sometimes counselling can be a good place to start. Relationships Australia have some counselling courses which could be beneficial. The anxiety I feel is because the communication is just not happening. I don't think your bf is anxious, I think he just wants to communicate. You need to learn how to tell him what you want.

[Audrey_J]

Thank you for your thoughtful and caring response – I really appreciate it. I am sorry to hear that you grew up feeling like you weren’t worthy of being loved. I hope you have since found the peace and self-worth you deserve.

I saw a counsellor as a teenager after suddenly losing a friend from high school and my grandmother in a short space of time. At the time my father was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and I was struggling to feel loved. My mother is supportive and caring but rarely physically affectionate (as was the case with her father). My parents have been separated for about seven years now but my brothers and I continue to witness a great deal of hostility between them. However, when I reflect on my upbringing, I am grateful for the countless instances when my parents were caring and supportive.

My boyfriend and I had a hiccup in our relationship a few months ago in which I began to question his love for me and my self-worth. It was a really difficult time but we’ve since grown stronger. I am on rare occasions still visited by residual feelings of anxiety from this experience. That being said, I can appreciate that these things take time and patience. The love and warmth in our relationship is a constant source of support.

I really like the idea of sharing thoughts in writing and it’s something I’ve done many, many times. I’ve recently started to keep a journal again because I find it so helpful to be able to write down my thoughts and later reflect. I am no longer in contact with my doctor and I am not sure I would like to seek counselling again just yet. I will look into Relationships Australia though and see if they have any resources on effective communication.

Do you mean that you think I feel anxious because I am just not communicating at all? Or that the anxiety you feel is because communication is not happening in your life? I am a tiny bit confused about the wording. Communicating compassionately is so important to me so I strive to do just that.

I don’t suspect my boyfriend is anxious. When I explained my feelings to him, I encouraged him to seek information about it because I thought it could help him support me. However, he told me he does not want to seek information because he wants to use the information he has now and doesn’t want to seek a “formula”.

Again, thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts with me. It's so kind of you to do so and I hope you’re having a beautiful day.

[pipsy]

Hi Audrey. Great that you've written back. What I meant about being anxious because of communication problems was. Sometimes, without being aware of it we give certain 'signals'. We're not aware of it because we're not consciously sending them. As I said before, if you sit or stand with folded arms, or sit in a certain way, this sends out a signal of 'don't invade my space', we might not mean that, but that's the signal others pick up on. Consequently friends, family keep their distance because this is what they're reading. If you stand in a position of legs apart, folded arms, again, same signal. If you're not aware that this body language is being 'sent' and your friends are keeping their distance, this can be extremely upsetting to you because they're reading you want 'your space'. You don't, but the signal says you do. This is what I meant by learning to communicate. This misunderstanding of communication, or lack of it can cause distress.

I hope this clarifies what I was trying to explain. If I'm way off, please accept my apologies. The last thing I want to do is cause your further distress.

My day has been really good, extremely hot. Getting fed-up with Qld weather.

[Audrey_J]

Thank you for your reply and for clarifying.

I try my best verbally communicating how I feel when I'm anxious. That being said I do sometimes find it difficult to ask for comfort. When I express feeling emotional pain, I find it difficult to understand why my boyfriend doesn't always comfort me. Then again, if I can see from my boyfriend's perspective that my body language might not indicate that I actually want affection. I suppose sometimes when I'm in that situation I get a little insular and withdrawn.

I'm grateful for your feedback because I do think I can improve on expressing when I would like closeness and conversely when I'd prefer space.

I hope you get some relief from the heat! I'm glad it's time for long sleeves in SA as I'm not a fan of the warm weather.