I’m wasting your time.

[Jo40]

I thought I’ll try and put my thoughts done here. Unfortunately straight away I feel I’m wasting everyone’s time that might read this. I have anxiety/depression since I was little but not knowing what it was. As I’ve become older the last 12years I’ve been taking medication and going back and forward with psychologists. I have anxiety attack and then I don’t show up for my appointments and then they say I can’t have you as patient. I have for the last 12 years have had over 85 jobs. I have no problem getting them but then something happens and I call in sick or tell them I’ve lost a family member. Everyday I can’t look at myself as I am fat, ugly and I feel like it would be easier not to be in this world. I do have support in my husband but apparently I still go through this pain every time I quit my job. Thank you for listening/reading

[smallwolf]

Hi Jo40,

Welcome to beyond blue.

Firstly, you are not wasting my time reading this. Like myself, you have a "mental illness" and I think that all you want is acceptance, and to get better (whatever that means). Other users on the forum will not feel they have wasted their time either, because we all have the lived experience, and while each of our problems are unique to ourselves, we all have some understanding of what the other is going through.

I will tell you a little about myself, and then if/when you reply you might be able tell me any differences or similarities to your experience. So I see both a psychologist and psychiatrist on a periodic basis. Of course I talk to both of them about (different) things, but I typically get homework from my psychologist. For example, maintaining a journal, filling out forms to reframe negative thought etc. The one thing that I have learnt about anxiety is recognising the triggers, and then using whatever distraction and coping tools I have.

Now, you might say "I dont believe in any of that". And I would probably agree with you (to a point). One book I had to read was "The Happiness Trap" which provided a list of distraction ideas. Out of the 20+ ideas presented only 1 or 2 worked for me. In this case it becomes a case of working out what works for us. Or I can struggle with meditations on my phone, and in that case I use prayer/worry beads, something I can feel, touch.

Our thoughts can be our worst enemy. Especially with both depression and anxiety that can appear to fight against each other.

Can I ask if you feel you have made any progress with your psychologists? If not, are you able to determine what is missing in each case? And then, if you are still seeing a psychologist, perhaps you could bring this up with them?

Lastly, by posting here, you have the advantage of other users responding to you. I hope that you will continue to post, telling more of your story. And hopefully with the help of your support network, pychologist, and the others here, you might find some sort of normal that works for you,

Tim

[Jo40]

Thank you Tim for your reply.

Im on waiting list for both psychologist and psychiatrist. I have had one session with psychiatrist to determine what I was suffering. PTSD, Anxiety and borderline personality disorder.

I found a good psychologist but I didn’t turn up to my third appointment due to my anxiety, I had to go back on waiting list, however I received call for appointment in January 2019.. I have done this two times to other psychologist and they have said you can go back on list.

I guess now looking back I have always suffered anxiety and depression since eight years old. It wasn’t until I was 30 that everything came back in memory and I really allowed myself to speak out. Now it seems like I can’t turn myself off.

I really wonder why I’m still here. The only thing that stops me is my son who is 19 years and my husband of 21 years. However there is always that 2 mins of who cares they will be better of with out me.

Jodi

[Birdy77]

Dear Jodi,

I'm glad that you've replied to Tim and returned here for some support.

It's really good to hear that you've heard that you have an appointment for January.

Even though you've had things lined up in the past that you've not turned up to because of your anxiety, you have a fresh new opportunity to get some help to heal your wounded heart and mind.

I'm sorry for the many years of anxiety and depression you've lived with, but to make it this far, from the age of 8, shows a true fighter, a woman of resilience (even if it doesn't feel like it).

Your son and husband love you. They will not be better off without you. Your loss would be a deep sadness all their days.

You matter.

Take care Jodi,

🌻birdy

[Mark1968]

how awful for you, I think my life doesn't quite seem so stressful, but the moving around of jobs done, not quite as many in fact not near at all but. I do the same, usually for me is because I find its getting too hard or I feel I don't fit in. sometimes I take on too much. What ever the reason I move on, its prob connected to my anxiety, I never really associated the two before. thanks for sharing

Regards Mark

[smallwolf]

Hi Jodi,

Thanks for coming back. I found that it takes a while to work through my issues with a psychologist. My psychiatrist says she leaves the head stuff to the psychologist. Make sense given the time and frequency of each. I also make sure that I have a few bookings in the system also. That way, I don't have to worry about missing out or going on waiting lists. Just an idea...

The thoughts that you mentioned about them being better off without you... I still occasionally get those thoughts. But ultimately, as you work through the issues with your psychologist (over time) you will find ways to think more about the positives vs the negatives. In a sense, you are rewiring your brain. At least that is what my psychologist says to me. She also got me to install an app on my phone called virtual hope box, which contains distraction and relaxation tools which I have found useful. As Birdy said.... You matter.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Lana1234]

Hi Jo

I started replying but had to delete what i had written as I felt I was giving advise on something I have no right to. I just want you to know that im here for you and want to help. stay strong. take a deep breath before making any rash decisions and maybe if you feel like you might quit your job or you dont feel good about yourself come here and know you can talk to me or anyone on here. I am listening and your worth listening to.

Lana