I'm so scared

[Chicken_Wings]

The week before last the world was pretty great. I was loving my job, walking every day when I got home and planning fun things to do.

Then something hit me like a massive wave. It completely knocked me off my feet and I've fallen into fear.

I've never before felt so bad that I wanted to call a help line, but this time I did. I talk to my partner, but I just felt like I wanted to talk to anyone and just cry and I think in the back of my mind I was hoping someone would have a magic answer. But of course there is no magic answer.

I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of waking up, of going to work, of talking to people, of coming home. I'm scared to eat food, I'm scared that I have some sort of terrible disease or illness. I need to go to the dentist, but I'm scared he's going to tell me all my teeth are falling out or that I have some sort of disease in my mouth. I'm scared of medication too which makes all of this even harder. I'm scared of losing people, I'm scared of dying and I'm scared that the world is becoming a horrible horrible place.​

I'm also so incredibly scared that this is it. This is my life now and I will never get rid of these thoughts.

Because they aren't just fears when I'm faced with them. These are the things I think about constantly. I'm imagining the things I have to do in the future and I'm terrified to do them.

I just want to be normal.

I want to wake up in the morning and worry about which shoes to wear. I want to feel hungry at lunch time and really enjoy a good meal. I want to come home and go for a walk and listen to music because I enjoy it and not have in the back of my mind that I am doing this for my mental health. I want to look forward to things and most of all I want to be happy.

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Rob,

Yea how do you go about being present in your fear?
I know I'm supposed to be aware that I am fearful and then I'm meant to ask myself questions about that fear. Sort of challenging it, but I find it hard to just break through the feeling enough to question why I'm so fearful.

[Gruffudd]

Well, that is a hard question that I am working on an answer for...

I think that like most overwhelming emotions it is like a hill, the place where I can think and check in is at the start and at the end. In the middle I just have to wait it out.

At the start there is a tingling feeling, sticky thoughts (where I ask myself, why am I thinking about that/him now), trouble sleeping, wanting to indulge in fat and sugar a little more, grumpy me... at the end I am angry/sad/tired, sticky thoughts (where I ask myself, why am I thinking about that/him now), trouble sleeping, wanting to indulge in fat and sugar a little more, grumpy me.. 

When things escalate there is no effective thinking, but before and after there can be. That is the time I try reframing the thoughts that are blaming, negative, fatalistic, etc. 

[Chicken_Wings]

Thats what I find too, in the middle there is almost no reasoning, just panic.
Thats what I want to try and break, I want to be able to catch myself whilst I'm panicking.

I guess the goal should really be not to let it get that far. To realise before it reaches its peak that I'm heading down a path that I shouldn't be.

Being scared is so tiring. The second the real panic is over I just want to sleep.

[Gruffudd]

Sleep sounds like a plan. What helps? I like a warm bath in the dark, Shelly anne got me onto the epsom salts again... 

I think the time to turn it around is well before the crisis, I also think we both can learn to do just that at least sometimes.

[Chicken_Wings]

I guess its easy to get so caught up with life that you forget to take to truly relax. Or at least I do.

Epsom salts sounds like a good idea.
I actually really like candles, some smells are just so relaxing. I was using incense but someone told me the smoke is bad for you and I got paranoid about it.

I'm going to try and put some of this into practice and maybe I can be more objective about my own thoughts.

[Gruffudd]

Me too, sometimes I find it is 2am and I need to go to sleep but a bath would be good too. 

Candles sound rather a nice thing... I am trying to make a habit out of taking the time for me every day, it is my time after all.

At the moment I am watching an old Richard Burton film, it is in Welsh and slips into English and then back again. I like that, it is what happens when I think and sometimes when I am tired and talking. There is something about it that makes me feel both connected to the wider world and separate from all my local worries.

[Chicken_Wings]

I find that night is when I feel most secure. Im in my home, with my animals and my boyfriend and not under any kind of major pressure other than which I put upon myself.

I feel the most brave, I think about all the things that I've been worried about and think "If I could just do that thing now, at night, I'd be ok." It does make it hard to go to bed, because I don't want that feeling to be over, I want to stay like this.

[Gruffudd]

One thing I did, and it was big and took bravery, was to change jobs. Leave 7 years behind and start again. For me the relationships in the old job were part of the problem, a bit toxic, and try as I did I couldn't shift them. Doing that has made a huge difference, now I need to risk believing and trusting that there has been change.

I know what you are saying there, it is hard to go to bed when the time is good and tomorrow may not be. 

[Chicken_Wings]

The people around you can make you such a difference. There are certain people who just make you feel safe, whilst other people just have a way of darkening your day.

Thats a great success being able to switch jobs, you should feel really proud of that.

[Chicken_Wings]

I feel like I've lost my way.

In the past when I've had relapses I've been able to come back from it within a couple of weeks and start feeling like I can be a normal person again. This time I feel like this is just sticking around and it's really scaring me. 
Every day I wake up and instantly begin to shake and twitch and my mind immediately switches over to anxious mode.

I feel like life is happening all around me but Im not really a part of it. I sit at work and I do my job and constantly tap my toes and feel the tightness of my chest.
I always thought I was pretty lucky with my anxiety, that it only came for short bursts at great intervals. But this time it's different and I feel trapped. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to be scared all the time.
I can't shake my fear; no matter what I do it's just hanging there, waiting in the background. 

Even when I'm having a good time, it's there, just lingering in the background. It's like some shadow thats stopping me from having a genuine good experience.

Is there anyone out there who has stopped the fear?