I'm My Own Worst Enemy

[Zeity]

First of all, I can acknowledge that I have come a long way since hitting the depths of rock-bottom a few years ago. And this forum helped. I sought therapy, got some life managing tools, turned a corner when I left a toxic job and since then, have experienced a healthier mental headspace and over body shape. My problem is....how quick I spring back to hating myself, blaming myself for everything, highlighting my failures and being uncomfortable with any positive validations - I feel dishonest like I'm fooling people. Am I addicted to anxiety? Is the daily effort, to ignore the self critic in my head, for the rest of my life? Because thats too much work. I get acknowledged at work or someone praises me, I list things that I do wrong instead. And I'm such a friggin dweller. Cannot move on from a mistake or a comment I made even though noone is bringing it up and hasn't caused consequences. I can't sleep. I can't function. And I have a great network of family and friends around me but I feel selfish to burden them with I'm not coping with Life. I feel like a failure at everything. I hate myself. I annoy myself. I'm surrounded by a network of supporters but I feel selfish to lean on them. Why cannot I feel joy, be grateful...why is it easier to accept I'm a waste of space, im fooling everyone that I have my shit together .I'm not house proud, don't do enough homecooked dinners, I'm on the phone lost in cyberspace where I can be helpful or liked, instead of cooking and cleaning for the family. I always make a good impression and then I retreat. Like I'm going to give you reasons to not like me. This affects Work. I come in as a social butterfly and then I start second guessing my ability to do the work, start thinking I've disappointed everyone and I just spiral. My Manager said last year "you're not the same person we interviewed". She didn't mean it in a negative way at the time. She was encouraging me to be kinder to myself. I. Have.Not. Let.That.Go. I feel guilty like I started working there on false pretenses. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing so many different roles that when I'm alone I realise the real me is the one I hate the most. Pathetic, lazy, unorganized...I've convinced myself that whatever anyone else sees is an illusion. So that being said what do I need to do to feel better about myself? How do I switch of that inner self critic? And do I just embrace I live with anxiety and whatever tools work, yes, I'm going have to use them every day for the rest of my life? I need the second phase of my life to look different. I don't want to be a burden to myself and others anymore. I want to feel lighter. I want to see the positive and lean into it. Most of all, I just want to be able to say "Oops. Noted. Moving On." I hate living in my head. I hate that I know I have plenty to be grateful for but feel unworthy of it. I hate I didn't pursue my dreams because I wasn't good enough so I seek impossible perfection in everything that I do - deliberately I guess, to remind me I failed to be successful.  I hate that I've taken up someone's time reading this rant when they probably have bigger problems than me feeling defeated by Me. All I know it is a horrible feeling to close your eyes and feel nothing but hate and anxiety towards yourself. I've been told I'm a good wife, mum, friend, colleague, relative....instead of feeling joy, I'm devastated that I've duped them somehow. If I'm destined to live like this just please help me with the spiraling? How do I stop the negative cycle in my head from snowballing? I want to sleep. I want to proactive around the home. I want to give Work the hours it requires and switch off and go be present with my family. I want to be more present with my family and friends. I want to feel joy. I want to look around me and everything and everyone that I love is around because I deserve it. That's it, I guess. How do I feel worthy of my life? 

[therising]

Hi Zeity

I feel for you so much, I truly do, and I can relate to a lot of what you say. The inner critic and/or inner stresser in us (amongst other facets) can be so incredibly challenging to live with. If part of our challenge in life is to master these aspects of our self, to say this is a tough challenge is an understatement.

Took me decades to finally work out 'The part of me that most easily comes to life is the part that's been exercised the most'. If I had to describe my inner critic, she'd be super buff while resembling a competitive body builder, minus the spray tan 😅. Preceding this realisation, I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why can I not make a permanent change and get rid of this part of me for good? Why does it keep returning? Am I broken in some way and simply can never be 'fixed'?'. Stuff like that. Having realised this is a facet of myself that I will mostly likely always live with (on and off), it becomes more so about how to live with it.

How to live with the dialogue and feelings generated by the inner critic? At its best, the critic is helpful, 'You know you can do better than this, don't be so lazy'. True, I can do better and I am being lazy in some cases. No denying the truth. At its worst, when my inner critic likes to take me into the depths of hell on earth (aka 'rock bottom in depression'), it can become relentless. I've found this is where I may need to call on my imagination.

If I can imagine my inner critic is not me but simply a part of me, the question becomes 'How do I manage this part of me?'. While imagining other parts of me, sometimes I'll channel the analyst in me, that can spend days helping me analyse the hell out of my life. Sometimes I'll channel the sage in me, through meditation. In this case I may do my own guided meditation, where I imagine myself walking through a forest kind of scene until I come to a little cottage in that forest. Inside the cottage is my sage, who will tell me or show me what I need to know. At other times I might channel the adventurer in me that may dictate 'It's time to get out of the house, the place you like to dwell in, in ways that are depressing'. Occasionally I'll channel the researcher in me, which can be time consuming. After 2 or more hours of being in the zone on my later top, I've suddenly woken up to 'Ahh, so this is how dopamine works' or 'I'd never considered this or that to be a soulful or spiritual aspect of my life' and 'Where the heck did that last 2 or more hours go?'. The list goes on, when it comes to parts of self, that can make up the whole of who we are. Imagining we're multifaceted may be a super big stretch of the imagination but it can be a soulful stretch. I can either exercise my inner critic (for the 15 billionth time) or I can learn to exercise my imagination.

The inner critic can be a tricky mongrel. It can sneak in without us realising, it can have so many triggers that need to be identified and it can be a bit of a generator of depressing lists, 'Remember all the times you failed at this', 'Remember all the times you let people down' and so on. While there can be times in life where we might think 'I do believe I've completely annihilated my inner critic. Yay!', whatever powers that be may suggest 'Think again. Let's test you'. Then it's back to the drawing board of self development, self understanding and personal evolution on our way through graduating to new levels. Sometimes we can lose sight of just how many levels we've risen to or graduated through. 😊

[Zeity]

Thank you for making me feel seen. I hesitated to post because I thought it was a dribble of thoughts and angst that only made sense to me.

[therising]

Hi Zeity

I think inner dialogue can absolutely torturous and anyone who denies this hasn't experienced it at its worst. Can involve so much skill development and mastery. While I'm far from being a master at managing internal dialogue, the factor that insists that I continue to try and master it is depression and to some degree stress/anxiety. So, it's kind of like 'What parts of me are fantastic at helping me manage not going into or remaining in depression?'. Every challenge is an opportunity to bring some new part of us to life, a part that can lead us to say 'I had no idea I had it in me'. 🙂

[across_the_universe]

Hi Zeity,

What a rough time you are having. As therising said, your negative thoughts have had much more practice at being heard. I like to think of those easily access negative thoughts at freeways, and the positive ones as goat tracks. The thing about a little goat track though, is the more you use it the wider it gets, and over time can become a freeway too (the technical term for all this is neuroplasticity).

As therising also said, practice acknowledging that we are all complex with different facets to our thinking. It may sound silly, but giving the critic a name and thinking in the third person can be helpful. For instance "Oh, cranky old Gertrude is having a field day worrying about if I'm good mum today, I'm just going to ignore her". I've had times when I've used this technique and been able to talk to a friend about it and its been a really great way to challenge the reality of situations.   

Are you currently seeing a therapist? It might be a worthwhile move to get an outside perspective and support. Unfortunately, anxiety has a habit of sticking around and sneaking back into our lives, and can also bring its best friend depression along for the ride. This does not make you weak or bad or a failure. Some people get gout or cold sores or stomach troubles when stressed, and some of us unlucky ones have a flare up of mental health issues. It's not a choice or failure, its the way our bodies and brains respond (but I acknowledge that it really sucks).

You are absolutely worthy of your life. Sounds like you have very supportive friends and family, and that you have got out of rough patches before. Think about the ways you cared for yourself and repeat what worked. 

I hope you are feeling a bit better soon. You are not alone in this, and it wont last forever.

Steph