I just need to spill. I’m not looking for help, I just want to know someone will read this

[rosemaryNchilli]

As the title suggest, I just want to know someone will read this.

Hello, I’ve actually never done anything like this before. I’m 18 and just started uni, I don’t think I’m sad nor stressed enough to be properly depressed - I also don’t think I’m anxious but what I feel still qualifies as something so I apologise to you, reader, who is actually diagnosed with anxiety. I’ve never gone to a medical professional about anything related to my mental health, I just normally assume that it’s a phase that passes like a storm you know? However, recently (more so in the last three years) my phases are occurring more and seeming to start taking a toll on my physical being as well as my mental state. Although my diet and routine hasn’t changed at all, I’ve noticed that my periods happen once every 3-4 months. I feel waves of sadness knock me over and I cry a lot more often than I used to over nothing; quite literally I would just start feeling this horrible sinking feeling and start crying whilst doing nothing at all. I had a pretty rocky childhood, as everyone does, and it’s honestly a little foggy but I blame my horrible memory for that rather than a subconscious block. That being said when I do remember bad or sad things I strangely feel an absence of all emotion. I made a comment to my dad once on my birthday that I felt nothing and was actually a little put off by my lack of excitement and surprise. It’s worrying me alongside my lack of periods. It’s disgusting, but I use animated work to “get a high” I don’t really know how to explain it but I now do it every night. I keep telling myself that I’ll stop but I feel so much better in that short moment before feeling disgusted with myself again. I’ve never taken drugs in my life but I assume it would have the same effect which is why I plan on NEVER getting involved. Last night I had a horrible nightmare that I was assaulted and it felt so real that I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn’t go to sleep and even tonight I’m petrified to close my eyes. I can’t afford therapy nor get a chance to go to free student counselling. My friends already have enough problems of their own and I have always kept my problems private. Even my close family doesn’t know this horrible version of me. I don’t want to be diagnosed with anxiety, stress, or depression because I don’t want something wrong with me. It’s just a phase with my phases so I’m ok.

[geoff]

Hello Rosemary, welcome to the site.

Sometimes people are able to hide their depression/anxiety and eventually believe they aren't suffering, but other people notice a change in your behaviour, reaction to situations that are completely out of order to what you'd usually do, but slowly it's possible that you just move into this state and a reason why you should visit your doctor.

We all can self diagnose, read the net and come to a conclusion but we aren't trained to know and seek professional help and it doesn't matter whether a close friend says you aren't suffering because you may be hiding it from them.

As I'm not a doctor I can't diagnose you, however, as you cry over nothing and much more than you usually do and for no specific reason, shows that you could be suffering and very sorry.

Nobody wants to be told they suffer from any depression and/or anxiety because when this happens, it changes our whole life,it puts us in a time slot that's sealed and it's impossible to know for how long.

You can contact Kids Helpline (5 to 25) 1800 55 1800 by phone, web chat or online.

We have to expect that this illness is capable of affecting anybody, no one is immune from it, you could be wealthy, poor, have a great job or struggling for no reason that you believe should cause this, it may not be with you today but tomorrow it might be, so please if you are able to visit your doctor, they will tell yes or no and if so, then appropriate action may be required.

Best wishes.

Geoff.