I feel so hopeless, so unproductive, anxious, I don't know what to do.

[timechangedhermind]

I feel like nothing happens to me. I'm always waiting for something to finally come into my life that makes a difference for the first time, a positive change, but I'm always returning to the same places. I know one is supposed to be the one to make things happen rather than the universe magically making them occur, but I know it's simply not the case for me.

I feel stuck. I feel so useless, and annoying, just simply a burden.

I often fantasize about my life taking a turn and becoming exciting and my dreams coming true, but then I go back to all those fears. I feel so lonely, so scared, so ill. My mind, yes, but my physical body as well.

It doesn't help.

I'm also a fully-online student in high school. I have, seriously, no friends. I haven't talked to anyone my age in possibly two years, I spend all my days at home, in my room doing nothing when I could be doing so much.

My parents, the only people I talk to and see every day along with my younger brother, don't even bother with me anymore. It's actually sad. I've been given so many opportunities, I don't even try.

I can't talk to anyone about what really matters to me, my relationship with my parents has become more distant, I remember things about them from my childhood and get so sensitive about them, they're..uncomforting to me - I'm mean to them, I am too much but I don't do enough.

I wish I was special, I wish I was important, I wish I was needed, I wish I were loved more, I wish someone genuinely appreciated me, I wish I were more, I wish I did more, I wish I could make everyone proud.

I want so many things and yet I don't even deserve half of them.

I've been begging my parents for a cat for Christmas. Do I deserve one? Have I put on an effort at..anything? No. I haven't, and that's nothing new, no one even expects me to put on an effort anymore.

I am so ungrateful, so selfish, and so bad for anyone. Such a bad presence and a burden, the feeling increases even more now that I got to write how it all feels for the first time and post this. Who would even want or would care to read this?

It's not that I want to die, it's not that I want to be someone else. It's something different, I can't quite place it exactly just yet, but it's something, and it's there and it follows my every move every day.

[sbella02]

Timechangedhermind,

What a beautifully articulated post, welcome to the forums and thank you so much for sharing your experience. That takes a lot of courage and strength to be able to post something so personal in a public space, so well done. I've also had so many of the experiences that you've described, it was like reading back on some of my old journal entries. 

Props to you for doing high-school fully online. Much of my university experience has been online due to the pandemic, and I'm not sure how I would've coped if this was my high school experience. It's understandable that you're feeling disconnected socially, that's unfortunately a common experience of people studying online. If you would feel comfortable joining an online community or chat forum on somewhere like Discord, you may find you can connect with people in a similar situation. Be safe and cautious online, of course.

As I've learnt, life is a marathon, not a sprint. Everybody develops and grows at their own pace, and there's no objectively right or wrong way to do life. It's idealistic to say that we must be seeking opportunities in life ourselves. If you don't feel like you're ready to make things happen, that's okay and very normal. You're still discovering who you are.

It's hard to break out of that cycle of thinking, where you believe that you're undeserving of what comes your way or what you want in life. I would like to ask you, if you're comfortable sharing, why you feel this way? One thing that I have trained myself to do if I'm feeling negatively about myself is thinking of one or two positive things about myself for every negative thought. It's a small gesture but can be quite meaningful over time.

Cats can be fantastic companions and sources of happiness. They're such comforting creatures. If you can and have the capacity to bring a cat into your life, their unconditional love can be revolutionary for your wellbeing.

I'm wishing you all the best, and please continue to chat with us, we'd love to hear more from you.

Take care, SB