I don’t know whats wrong with me

[lanagomezz]

I dont know how to express how i feel. I feel like i have so much wrong with me but as soon as i tell someone its like i was lying to myself. Ive seen a psychologist for around 8 months and honestly it hasnt helped and ive been lying to him. Around 4 months ago i started feeling better about myself and actually enjoying life. But now i just feel nothing again. Out the blue. Like i feel nothing but theres like seperate part of me that is like “why are you acting like this” but i cant help it. I hate acting the way i do, i look miserable constantly and i just feel alone all the time. I have friends but im like their last option of a friend to all of them which doesnt help. I cant go to my parents because not even a trained professional seems to help me let alone my parents. I dont know if im just hormonal but it just doesnt feel hormonal. I dont know if its pms. Or im just tired. For a while i thought i had bpd but i dont. I think its just depression but at the same time im so motivated to do all my work and i love having fun with ppl. Everyone would describe me as quiet but when i was happy im the loudest person in the room. I feel like i lost that person a while ago though and if i go back it wouldnt be the same with everything thats happened. I could just be stereotyping depression but like whenever i talk about how i feel to my psychologist im like a different person who has no problems even when i wanna act like i do. I just constantly feel stupid for getting mood swings to the point i just push everyone away and i cant help it but i want to but its like something stops me from helping it. I just need one person to understand me bc i dont even know who i am anymore. 

[quirkywords]

Lanagomezz

thanks for your post and welcome to the forum.

It must be so confusing nit knowing how you feel from week to week.
would you be able to use what you have written here  with cut and paste and show to your psychologist. I have found it easier to write than talk to a doctor. 

when I was younger I felt up and down and confused and then I would say I was fine. 
I am listening to you  because I was like you and it was so overwhelming . I too felt no one understood me. Back when I was younger no one really knew much about mental health. 

You are not alone.