I don’t know what’s wrong with me

[Jaylo18]

I have tried searching everywhere online and haven’t found anything . So I’ll try here. 
I am 26 years old , I have Borderline Personality disorder as well as ADHD , OCD , PTSD , chronic depression and anxiety. I also have anemia, which I get iron infusions from. I have endometriosis and PCOS . I’m just completely run down , I’m unable to do anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything , I’m trying so hard but everything is just getting harder , I have a 4 year old with level 2 Autism and ADHD . He does not sleep throughout the night , he has so much energy and is non verbal . I’ve gotten to the point I’m just exhausted by everything , I can’t do anything , I don’t leave my house anymore , I’m starting to slowly not take care of myself , like shower , eat . I don’t sleep I have insomnia . I don’t have friends , my family don’t help me out with my son. My partner works 5 days a week and long hours from morning till night. I’m un able to do anything with my son because I’m constantly exhausted and just don’t know what I can do to help me. I’m losing the ability to have a normal conversation these days. All I want to do is just stay in bed and not do anything , not eat , not talk , just nothing. I’m not interested in anything anymore . I don’t know if I have more of a problem with my body or not on the right medications for my mental health or both . I’m losing the ability to get any positive energy or look into the future: everything just seems to not fall in to place and I’m just tired . I’m unable to do anything anymore. I just end up staring at the wall . I’m irritable , my hair is thinning and falling out . Im super stressed all the time. I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts , always think about it but never end up doing anything. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at the point of not return . 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jaylo18,  

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can understand how difficult it must be between health issues and being a carer for your child, we really appreciate you being open and sharing what's going on for you right now. 

Understandably, it sounds like you are stressed and exhausted. Often the best first port of call is your GP, it might be a good option to let them know that you are struggling and to see what they suggest. They will be able to provide you with some support whether that's a referral to a psychologist or helping to manage your current health conditions. We have a page that could be helpful in approaching this conversation: advice for having a conversation with a health professional here.

It's important to be kind to yourself during this time as you have a lot on your plate, additionally when you have insommnia it can make things that much harder. Often we put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves but when we are burnt out even getting out of bed can be a challenge. We have a number of pages that you may want to have a look at: 

Strategies for managing anxiety 

Strategies for sleeping well 

When your inner critic is giving you a tough time 
 
Is there anyone that you feel able to discuss this in person with? We hear that you don't have a lot of support and no one should have to deal with these things by themselves. We’d encourage you to give the Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here, we are always here to talk 24/7. There’s also Parentline (who have a number for each state listed here) – this organisation may be able to offer advice and supporting regarding caring for your child while dealing with health issues.
 
If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. That might mean connecting with existing supports, following a safety plan, or you could connect with Lifeline on 13 11 14. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  
 
We know a lot of these tips you may have heard before but we hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Jaylo18,

 I’m so sorry you are having to carry this massive load of so many things. I think it is not a case of something being wrong with you but that you are dealing with so many conditions yourself while trying to care for your son.

 I am wondering if you are currently receiving any NDIS support? I think you would be eligible given everything you describe. If you visit your GP you could raise this with them too as they may be able to help getting the ball rolling with writing a report to get you some support. I’m not very knowledgeable in this area though but just thought I’d mention it in case it’s support you don’t currently have. You may be able to get someone to come and help you at home in the day or in other ways.

Do you know yet if your son will go into regular kindergarten and pre-primary? I’m thinking that will at least give you some hours where you have a break for yourself. Some years ago I worked as an education assistant and worked with several children with autism including non-verbal and minimally verbal kids. Some were integrated into a mainstream class and some were in a class dedicated to kids with special needs. They were beautiful kids with significant challenges. I know it’s very full on and so much to be mostly managing on your own.

The health challenges you are dealing with are many and it is lot to cope with. I hope you are getting some medical and psychological support. Please take care and feel free to chat here if it helps or call one of the helplines if you want to talk to someone.

Best wishes,

ER