Hyper focus on potentially the wrong person

[Overthinking_m3]

Hi, I’m 42(m) and in a long distance relationship with a lady in another state. I fly to her, or her to me most weekends. I’m very much in love with her, both of us have had prior marriages. We are both professionals in very different industries. Last week, she told me she wants to go for a holiday for two weeks with another man, whom I have never met. She tells me he is just a friend, and cannot understand why I told her that it upset me. Since then, I have told her that if she wants to go, then she should in fact go. Now I’m overthinking, cannot sleep, and I’m crazy anxious, to the point where I’m unable to function properly. Trying to quash the feelings internally, as she believes this all belongs to me. What do I do here? 

[randomxx]

Hi op.

l'm in LD thing too 5yrs now, l'm 59. We come and go to ea others for a mth or two a time every few mths last few yrs atm.

l don't believe she truly expects you to be ok with her holiday , l'll bet bottom dollar if that was you going with another woman it'd be a totally dif story, even though if you point that out, l would,  she'd prob deny it but she's brushing all that away bc this is her not you.

lt isn't just some normal thing people do when they're already in a relationship, she knows that even if she doesn't admit it. 

Who is this guy anyway and wth is she even going away with him ? Do you know him too have you guys spent time with him together like is he part of your friend group or anything?

How has the relationship been between you have feelings always been mutually equal between you , have you both been fully committed or is it a bit one sided ?

At any rate , l'd bet any man or woman would be feeling exactly the same as you unless they were related or it's just business or something.

All the best.  rx

[Overthinking_m3]

Thanks Random, it’s good to know I’m not alone in my feelings. To be honest, yes, it’s seemed a little one sided. I have pursued her, and have fallen deeply for the person that she is. But I do get the feeling quite often that I’m an inconvenience to her, and being left unanswered for what seems to me as long periods of time. I’m kind of at the end of it now though, I’m tired of beating myself up about it. I think there is a lot to do with our different places of work, she is in the public sector, and I am in construction, so vastly different worlds. I tend to be over sharing in my thoughts of her, and I often receive stoic one liners back.  She says that she loves me, and I believe her. I just don’t think that she does enough to be respectful of a partnership, which turns every moment we aren’t together of me guessing when she is going to flick me. I truly just believe she has me on ice until she finds what she wants from someone else. The unfortunate part, is she is the first person I have TRULY loved, and I’m scared as hell of the repercussions of that. 

[randomxx]

Sorry to hear all that op and unfortunately my situation is also a bit blurry too right now. She's always insisted she loves me so much but yet when she gets back up home to hers, Syd, l'm in Vic, she starts getting weird again. lt's happened nearly every time. Atm l think it might be done- again - although l did have some problems when she stayed last and tbh this one l think could be on me.

Anywayyyy, whole nother story.

Me look , l don't think the work stuff matters that much l'm in the trades to and ex w was a nurse , gf was an air hostess for a long time, then office, my brothers in trades he's gf's a school head master . Sometimes these things can be just different people and worlds as you say , but other times , l think it depends on the person myself.

Such a shame though that you finally feel love but with doubts. l'd say we both know there shouldn't be doubts- that trust thing with mine is bc of the way she flips has always been big for me and trust, belief. She's a different culture to and doesn't seem to get it but is that real , l'm not sure.

And your right it can be scary as hell at any age.

Personally with any real love, l don't believe there should be doubts but it's that troubling you so l'd listen to that and protect your heart tbh bc it sounds justified as she isn't sounding all in unfortunately l'm sorry to say. And this going away thing isn't sounding right either.

[Overthinking_m3]

Mate, to be quite honest, I go through the exact same thing. I once told her it’s like “50 first dates”, because I we go back to our jobs, and all I can think of is her, and how is she doing? Is she ok? Is there anything I can do for her? And all I seem to attract in return is an “I’ll talk to you when I feel like it” attitude. I honestly think I’m part of this problem, maybe I’m just expecting far too much of her. She is very long suffering of my anxiousness and overthinking, but the issue which I posted at the top is something which I’m really struggling to get past. She actually even told me that she knew it would hurt me(because she thinks I’m a jealous man, which I’m absolutely not) but went ahead and did it anyway, because she wants to. I absolutely don’t want to lose her, so my only option is to say “go for it” and hope for the best. Not a great plan, I know, but I have no option from where I’m at. Now I’m fighting an internal battle against what I know is right, vs me not trying to care about the relationship. It’s not healthy, by any means, but I don’t know what else to do. I trust her, and I very much believe her when she says she loves me. But the initial shock of her telling me that she wants to go off with this guy, when we spend so much time apart, gets my spidey senses tingling. It made me feel very insignificant indeed.

I’m very sorry to hear about your situation mate, I certainly hope it’s the case that it’s not an irretrievable situation. 

[randomxx]

Sorry man l asked a few things that were in your first post anyway, probably one of my doing 10 things at once nights. So l hope haven't missed this one but how long have you been together anyway ?

lt's just that some people could get a little whateverish if it hasn't been that long but the other is a bit more full on than they're comfortable with too early in.

Don't get me wrong l know new love's one exiting thing but some want to run with it and enjoy l guess where as others though might wanna slow things down.

At any rate no surprises the spidey's are going off about her trip though none the less mine would be too and l'd be gobsmacked if hers were'nt too say it was vise versa.

Might be a long shot or maybe not a shot at all but as you do believe her love though on the other hand, maybe the trip is on purpose , a way slowing things off a bit, ldk.

But thanks for that to mate yeah ldk. l'm a bit confused with where l'm at. See l'm actually even still, a bit stand offish myself and she's right. 5yrs, l should be asking her to stay longer, making plans, appearing with a ring by now given the sort of person she is. No wonder the poor thing goes off every time she gets home now soooo, this trust stuff and that, might've made my own bed l think.

But she was very full on very early in and l just needed time but she is right, 5yrs is def' time, feel like l'm stalling.