How to handle a friend with anxiety and paranoia

[Angela_B]

My best friend and I have been close for 4 years, but I’ve noticed her becoming increasingly distant lately. She finally opened up about her anxiety and depression a few weeks ago, to which I tried to listen and be supportive. I saw her on the weekend and everything was fine. However, that evening she called me. She knows I’m looking for a job, and earlier that day I’d asked her how she got her job, and where she found it advertised. I’d thought nothing of it. She abused me however and accused me of deceiving her and going behind her back to get a job at the same place as her, demanding to know why I wouldn’t have ‘just asked her if there was an opening.’ I tried to calmly correct her and explain that I had no specific interest in her role and hadn’t actively sought it in any way, knowing she’d tell me if there actually was an opening there. However, she wouldn’t believe anything I said. Of course, I got angry at the accusations. I have never done anything behind her back and I’ve always supported her.
She also lashed out claiming I have a ‘social circle’ that I’m hiding from here, which again is not true. She was furious that I’d never introduced her to a uni acquaintance I barely know. She was hysterical by the end of the call saying she just ‘doesn’t know who to trust.’

At first I was really upset and angry, but I’m honestly very concerned about her. She’s never turned on me at all in our friendship, and I have never turned on her. I feel her mental health is deteriorating but I can’t help her while she’s so hostile toward me. I’d appreciate any advice.

[white knight]

Hi Angela B

It might be a good idea to give her a little space at the moment, I understand your urgency to "fix" the problem but at the moment it sounds like she needs a little time.

Being supportive to our friends that have a struggle mentally is not easy. Just supportive is to listen and offer casual advice, ideas that the sufferer can consider. Then there is the next level which is not therapist level by the way. You can obtain ideas from forums such as this, how to assist your friend to a higher level however that might lead to the sufferer becoming more dependent. This is why we prefer professional help.

I have in the past, while depressed, become less realistic with my family and friends...even some paranoia. Once my depression lowered I saw things clearer and on some occasions had to apologise to anyone that I over reacted to. This isnt the case with everyone. Often damage is done and not repairable.

Angela, you cant save the world. People have their own responsibilities. If she contacts you there is a fine line to tread in order to keep them as a friend. But if the core of the problem is not addressed then you have the possibility that it could repeat.

When and if you are ready to make contact perhaps an offer of coffee at a cafe would be a nice invite. Be prepared however to remain calm and factual. Any allegations made could be challenged by a simple "what is your source of information"? Assumptions cant be allowed.

All the best.

TonyWK

[Emmen]

Hi Angela B,

Welcome to the forums.

Seeing your friend's mental health deteriorate can be an experience that leave you feeling powerless and desperate. But I don't think this is the time for you to intervene. For you to be able to help her, she needs to be receptive to you, ready to take your advice and listen to you. At present, she's not in that state of mind. I'd suggest just letting her know that you'll still there for her if she needs you and letting her come to you (if she wants to). Alternatively, she may find someone else she trusts to get her the help she needs, considering that in her mind at present, you have betrayed her. If she doesn't not trust you, you can also consider reaching out to a mutual trusted friend and asking them reach out to her.

This will be hard on you since you are her best friend. Please take care of your own mental wellbeing as well. There are limits to what you can and cannot fix, and this is one of those situations where there is a limit to what you can do.

Kindly,
M

Kindly,
M