Have you been through this?

[gmc]

Hello everyone,

I've been for around 1 week and a half on this forums and I am deeply thankful for the support I've received from the wonderful people here. I try to read all your stories and in time return all the great support.

I've decided to open another post to talk about something that's on my mind for a long long time, since I can't remember.

I get very enthusiastic about some plans and even decisions I make sometimes and after I express them, how I feel and what do I plan to do, it seems like it all gets away, like it's not mine and everything it's hopeless, I can't do it anymore, it was a bad decision. Even if I want it badly, I get back to what my mom sometimes says, that I'd be better if I wouldn't want "that much"... Or I don't think about it too much to see if it's a good decision or not.

Last time it happened today. I decided I'd follow a master program in psychology, something I want to do for a while, and be an arts therapist specialised in theatre, as acting is a big passion of mine. Talking to my mom about it and how excited I am to have decided this, I felt very awkward about my own dream.

I think that I am too confused, that I am desperately thinking of a reason to live, actually, that I feel the presure from my parents that I have to follow my studies, that depression and anxiety are controlling my life and I have to do something about it, that maybe I don't follow my passion for psychology and acting because I am too scared or my parents even if they would support me, they wouldn't agree with my choice... I don't know. It's like too much going on.

So I hope you get that I won't even tell you about the almost unbearable level of anxiety I've been through, but the story (or better said the adventure) of finding a good specialist to treat me is in another thread. And I don't live in Australia.

Have you been through this, through feeling that thoughts are not anymore yours as you put it in spoken words?

[Neil_1]

Dear Gmc

"Guess who?"   And no, I'm not following you - we just happen to be going in the same direction.  🙂  🙂

I've followed this thread and you know, I see a common theme here as well as in your other thread that you have going.  May I say it?   Oh thank you.  🙂    Your parents.

You have dreams and it sounds like you've had a few through your time and you get excited about them - and let me say that there is nothing wrong with this.  I wish a lot more of us had that kind of thing happening to them.  Enthusiasm for a project or a dream.  It is brilliant.  Gmc, don't EVER lose that part of you.

If you can capture those moments when you feel so excited and keen and happy to be pursuing something that you've thought of and have chosen to do - those are moments that are worth remembering.  If only we could bottle those moments, because they are special.

I'm so glad you've come here because we will encourage you to take on these dreams, these projects that you wish to do.  We'll be there to support you all the way - if you feel a bit down by it, we'll try our best to pick you back up.

Back to your parents - I'm finding that they are not the nurturing, caring, supportive kind of parents that perhaps, you'd like them to be.  Is that true?  That you tell them certain things, and then they don't support you and as a result, you feel empty and low from their reaction.

I know you live alone and have done for a fair while - although not quite sure of your age, but Gmc, I say this with your own interests at stake here - for the sake of your mental health and your future, I would be trying to have as little to do with your parents for a while.   Or if you do, I wouldn't be telling them about any of your projects that you're wishing to undertake.

You should tell us - because I want to hear all about your dreams and your hopes and what you'd like to achieve - this dream of psychology mixed with acting sounds absolutely fascinating and I would really love to hear more about it.  And how many years it would be and I have other questions, but for now, I'll post this to you.

Kind regards

Neil

[AGrace]

Hi gmc,

I'm glad you've continued sharing on the forums even though it appears that you're not currently living in Australia, I don't think that's a prerequisite anyway, I think the important thing is that you find posting, and feeling supported by the BB community is helpful.

The first thing that stood out to me in your post is that you are desperately trying to find a reason to live. I think this needs to be cared for as a separate concern. Are you speaking to anyone about this? 

Moving on to your query, I'm not going to judge your parents here, because parents are always trying to do the best they can, even when we feel an aversion to their actions or words. Is there a reason why you feel the need to communicate your dreams with your parents? Are they supporting you financially? I'm not sure of your age however there does come a time in life when we start to make decisions on our own. In addition to this I think it's really imperative that whatever we do in life we are always doing it for ourselves. This may sound bluntly selfish, but it's my opinion that you can't go through life trying to please other people. There are also times in life when others wont get as excited about our plans as we do - that's because their our dreams.

Are you currently already studying? Is there a course or careers guidance counsellor that you could speak with to break your big goal into smaller size pieces so that it seems more realistic? Otherwise are you still seeing a therapist for your anxiety? They could help you with this. Its incredible to have BIG dreams but I find that we can start second guessing our ideas when they seem too far away or unachievable. If it's your ambition to become an Arts Therapist have you thought about how you will need to go about getting there? Perhaps it might be a better option to approach your mum with your idea when you've got a plan in place as to how you will achieve this?

I hope this helps, and even when they feel a bit awkward, if it's something you really want to do, don't let go of your dreams!!

AGrace

[white knight]

Hi GMC,

I'll go out on  a limb here to say that I get annoyed when the dreams parents have for their children are often not the dreams their children have of themselves.

They had their chance, and depending on their age they can still return to school to chase their dreams.

I'm sure they love you a lot and their heart is in the right place but your dreams might not be so high on the shelf.  If you suffer from any mental illness as I did at uni age then focussing on studies was nigh impossible. I was far better leaving school and chasing other dreams in my case the RAAF followed by security work and hence my career of choice was found.

Whatever you choose to do....as the song goes...do it your way. You might need a lot of tact to break the news to your parents but it is your life and your mental well being we are talking about here.

[gmc]

Thank you very much everyone to reply, it means a lot to me. Neil, it feels great to hear from you here too.

In reply from me, I should tell you I am 23 y.o. I graduated Communication and PR in 2012 and have been trying since to return to studies, but couldn't even concetrate in the job I have right now in an associaton focusing on entrepreneurship in creative industries. I've discovered acting in 2009 and ever since I think about it every day. I have been going to courses, but I couldn't make it until the end of not only one, although been to each at least 2 months, to even 7 or 8. Ileft the place feeling wounded and very depressed sometimes.

I do have partial financial dependency to my parent's support now, as my sallary is not enough, but it's very hard to find another job here and it's hard to me to find another small tolerant enough community I am in.

I've always loved communication and psychology and thought about the clinical psychology master for a while, but thought that I can't make it, as going to courses is a big effort at this time. It was in my plans to try admission to a theatre and performance studies MA in UK, or a philosophy of psyhcology MA, but gave up, I don't feel able to change environment now, I feel too ill.

I made my decision two days ago - I want to learn to get admitted and get a scholarship to the clinical psychology master program, but the exam is in about e month. I hope I can really make it and do great there so that I can be a great student and follow the right path to achieve my goal.

[Struggler]

Hi gmc

I know you're looking for a psychiatrist to treat your condition. We all need to have dreams, hope and purpose in life.  This is what helps us get out of bed everyday.  

I know you're looking for a psychiatrist to treat your condition.  With the right help and coupled with plan and dream and purpose in life, you will get well a lot quicker.  

As to your parents, I suggest you present your dreams and tell them why.  If you don't like what you hear, just thank them but go with your own plan.  Parents always try to do their best for their children.  After all they're still supporting you financially as you indicated.  On the other hand I don't know if they abused you physically or sexually in the past.  If that's the case, then it's a different story. 

Struggler

[gmc]

Hello here too, Struggler.

No, they didn't abuse me sexually, but I had to endure some beatings from my mom and lately in the past over 12 years, a lot of terror from my father's anger. I began to understand that my parents raised me as a kid as they thought it was "necessary". I begin to feel more calm about their relationship because at a certain point now I understand their own untreated wounds. You know, I just want to go on...

[AGrace]

Hi gmc,

I'm glad to hear that you're seeking some support and that you have a goal in mind for furthering your studies. You sound like you've got a very good head on your shoulders and I'm sure with some professional support you will start to regain some energy, focus and motivation. 

That's some very deep forgiveness on your part in relation to your parents and the way you were raised. It's certainly never ok for parents to abuse their child physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually. Having said that its admirable to hear that you want to move past that and get on with living your life your way. 

The past is in the past and I have no doubt you have a very bright future ahead of you. Keep focused on your dreams and you'll find the path to take you there.

I hope you'll let us know how you go with finding a specialist and how you go with the exam.

AGrace

[gmc]

Guess what? I am in the process of learning for my exam and I am over my head of the fact that I am not familiar with the terms, that the people I speaked to only told me how hard it is and how there are only 13 scholarships and other 12 paid spots, how I feel too much pressure and I feel that I have never been able to handle it... Every time I started to read a book for pleasure, even a very specialized one, I found it relatively easy to enjoy it, but when a stake was in count, I couldn't focus on anything. I feel so much to give and I could make so many connections, but I can't handle this...

I feel very awkward of the fact that this is happening, maybe on the other reasons that I wrote in the other posts...

I don't want to feel that time is running out, I hate the pressure of every passing day...

How can I find a way to feel a little better before my visits at the therapist and the pharmacologist?...

...

Oh, well, I think I am in the middle of an panic attack :). What to do?...