Guarded

[macadamianut]

Hi,

I thought I'd post something I've been dealing with as others might be able to provide some outsider perspective. I've been dealing with anxiety on and off for years (currently under control), and think it leans towards social anxiety. I'm quite outwardly confident and bubbly with others, working in customer/client facing roles over the years, but am truly more of an "introvert" in disguise and recharge my batteries alone. While I like being social and am friendly etc, I often dread social situations and feel extremely awkward as I'm very hyperaware and overanalytical. I am a people pleaser, and while I don't overly "care" what people think, I find myself always trying to make people like me - albeit not in an overbearing way. As a result I dread certain social situations as I find them tiring and sometimes just can't be bothered. In certain settings like the gym or work lunch room I don't want to speak to anyone and while I try to be polite, I just want to be left alone. This makes me depressed as I compare myself to others like my sister who are super chatty and have friendships wherever they go.

I started a Meetup group a few years ago which was super successful but eventually dwindled, as I found it took way too much emotional effort to maintain due to the (unexpected) popularity. I've tried volunteering but didn't meet anyone w/ similar age/interests/etc. I love my own company and never feel lonely. I like seeing friends from time to time but more so in a "scheduled" context and not just having people "drop in". I've had friends move out of the city and come and go, and am finding myself feeling quite isolated. While I don't mind it, I'm feeling like it's ruining my quality of life. I eventually want to marry my partner and while I have a few friends here and there from different social circles that I can have close, honest convos with, I don't have a big group of besties I've known for years and have no idea who I'd even pick as bridesmaids as I don't have those kind of relationships. I'm so guarded and thus can't quite seem to make friends as easily as others, even though I get along well with most people.

I had a complete meltdown a couple of months ago about 8wks into a new job and had to take 2 days of sick leave, and a doc gave me a mental health plan to see a psych. It's still expensive though and having just moved in with my boyfriend I've had so many other expenses. Just thought someone might be able to relate or provide some advice.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Macadamianut. You've been with us for a little while I know, but I personally havent corresponded with you on your other thread. So I say "welcome", good to have you here on the Forums.

Well ... you have just described me! Just about every point you made, I can definitely relate to. I too am an introvert and but have the ability to be sociable when needed. Surprisingly I am quite popular with others but find that maintaining friendships is very draining. I can handle social contact only so long before I need to withdraw to recharge the batteries. I do not get lonely, and yet sometimes I feel isolated. I really dont care about what others think of me. I also like to take be left alone and not speak at places like gym or work. I too like friends or visitors, provided it is scheduled. I find unexpected drop-ins to be an imposition. Although I am well liked in general, I am also very guarded and do not let people in easily.

Sounds familiar? Yeah I thought it would. I think this is all fairly typical of the introverted personality, but with maybe a couple of minor idiosyncracies.

Having said all that, I am not really able to provide much advice. I also do volunteer work, in my case in a the aged care industry.

I am pleased to hear that you have been to your GP and obtained a MHCP to see a psych. Yes the MHCP is a Medicare subsidised scheme, but generally leaves a gap payment to be paid. It can become expensive I agree. Nonetheless your mental health is very important to your overall welbeing Macadamianut, so I hope you will see your way through to continue with your psych visits.

I hope you are able to settle comfortably into your relatively new job. It was a couple of months ago where you had your meltdown, so hopefully things are already much improved there. And congratulations with the recent move of home with your boyfriend. Does your boyfriend have many friends? Is he also an introvert or more of an extrovert? I think over time, you will make a number of joint friends, which is good. But its also important to have your own friends as well. Being with your boyfriend may give you the confidence to make more of an effort to make some friends of your own. Meanwhile dont push it, as you are happy in your own company. Really good close friendships take a while to develop, and some of your current aquaintances may well become good friends.

Best of luck for your future happiness, friendship, work and love.

Taurus

[CMF]

Hi Macadamianut,

Well you sound like me also! I am a people pleaser, have a few 'good ' friends but i would not call them besties but I do trust them. I get lonely at times but do like my own company. I'm happy to shop, sit in a coffee shop, go for a walk all on my own, actually I prefer it. I have met many locals at my local coffee shop and I am happy to chat a bit but then I am happy to be alone. I don't like busy places and social functions I can take or leave. I too am very guarded.

My question to you is this. If you are happy with your own company and prefer to have your lunch break alone what makes you feel it is ruining your quality of life? Is it because you feel pressure to be like others? Out there and chatty with heaps of friends? If you are content with how you are, and you sound like an intelligent, down to earth who can converse when necessary and is comfortable in her own skin, why do you feel you need to be something else? Your sister could be your bridesmaid, you live with your partner so he obviously loves you just the way you are. I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to fit a mould that we think is better or more preferred by others. To be honest, I think it is better to be who you naturally are because this is how we attract real and genuine people to our lives. People whom we do not need to impress or put on a front for.

I think just b true to yourself and the rest will follow. We want real people in our lives who like us for ourselves, not for how social or out there we are. We need to accept ourselves so others will accept us. Don't be what you think you need to be, be you.

cmf

[macadamianut]

Thank you for your replies. They made me feel much better. My boyfriend and I have planned a housewarming party and I am filled with dread about it, worried ppl won't turn up and the fact our friends don't all know each other and it'll all just be too exhausting. Wish all this stuff was easier. Think perhaps best to just accept I'll always be a bit of a wallflower. 😌