getting worse again, affecting me, need advice

frogsandchickenss · ‎27-10-2019

Since 1st serious boyfriend, I been incredibly emotional, bouncing from excited to worried/panicky to horny in the space of an hour. My overthinking and general worry that I felt before him has been put under a microscope, & I talk to him about it and he tries to understand but I don't want him to feel like he is doing anything wrong all the time by me always venting - it is healthy to do it and I won't stop, but when it feels constant I also need to manage it, which I don't know how. He makes me happy and is fantastic&the emotions that come with it is overwhelming at times
Some issues 4 me are

decision making (I cant make decisions it stressful and become agitated when someone insists I make a decision. Leads to guilt)

general anxiety about hating work and uni, feel like am not in position to do anything for convenience

last minute decisions, whether it is me or someone else. With friends I try to organise in advance, never works. My boyfriend is last minute & he is always doing things like "we could do this or this, might do this later if you want, or I might go out with them" and it stresses me.

going out. I have to allow myself two hours to get ready so that I can cry and have a breakdown before. I think what if I know no one, or it's awkward, but also get agitated about what to wear, which is artificial, but it important to me to feel good, which I never do. Then I compare myself to others and feel worse. These breakdowns result in me staying home with depressed spirits

feeling like people may be angry/disappointed in me. I have reasons to justify it, but I let it affect me

As of late one stressor has been organising holiday with boyfriend. Both of us r doing 2 uni degrees and 5 jobs. We see each other when we can and go out and he does his absolute best, but its hard. His family is really religious and his mum doesn't like the idea of it, thinking it is an excuse to have sex. For me it difficult because my logic is no matter if it's 7 months of 3 years, that will always be an issue. When will we ever go away? It is early and I am happy to give it time, but sex and religion are things I have strong opinions about so it difficult for me.

The purpose of this post was to get some ideas on how to manage this. It is affecting me and while I have to communicate with people around me - which I do - the second half is managing it myself, yet I am struggling and feel I have no one else to turn to.

RicardoD · ‎27-10-2019

Hey frogsandchickenss! Well it's great that you're reaching out to the community for help, so let's start there. Sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time, the anxiety sounds like it's crippling. It sounds like you have both got a lot on your plate with university and numerous jobs, that must be not only stressful in itself but extremely demanding - not only on your time but emotionally as well. Can I ask how long have you both been doing those? That requires a lot of mental drive and toughness, hugely impressed. Then adding that onto the family issues . . . it sounds very stressful indeed.

I can only speak for myself of course, but I love my down-time, making sure I spend some time to care for myself a little bit and going on holiday sounds like an excellent idea. We focus so much on other people and what they think and want from us, how we're perceived and whether they like us . . . I think the trick I learnt the hardest over the years is that most of that the most important that needs to like you is you. You have to be friends with yourself, to love yourself. If you learn that over-night then come back and teach everyone me!

Are you seeing anyone professionally at all? For me I went to see my doctor at the urge of my partner,and it was one of the best moves I ever made. They referred me to a psychologist which helped me talk through what was going on, and eventually I found some answers that helped. One of the key pieces was simply slowing down. Up to that point I hadn't spent a lot of time simply being with myself, sitting quietly and letting things flow through my mind.

Just remember you're not alone through any of this! 🙂

frogsandchickenss · ‎30-10-2019

Hey RicardoD

I've been working 3 jobs for about a year, but have worked 2 for two years. I only started uni mid semester this year so it only got more intense around then, but otherwise all my jobs are casual and so it has been pretty easy, especially when they only ever give me 3-4 hour shifts. I actually find this quite frustrating as I would rather work more hours, as I feel I have too much spare time. The 3 hour shifts are always in the middle of the day, or weird hours, that don't allow me to go out and maybe do things I want to.

I am not seeing a professional, I've never been told I have anxiety but the way I feel does impact me and I only feel like people understand when I can say "it's like anxiety" because putting a name to it helps people understand. I've often thought about seeing someone but mentally that is such a big step, especially when I struggle simply going to the shops or doing things alone. So while it's on the back burner, it isn't something I'm rushing to do

frogsandchickenss · ‎13-11-2019

No one has replied yet and that's cool. I just feel a bit alone, I feel I am taking out whatever mental issues I may be facing out on my partner and I don't want to be doing that - I cry during sex, always need reassurance, ask for more time (which makes him feel like he isn't doing enough, even though he is doing all he can).
I have been having trouble sleeping - a lot - which is normal for me, but I couldn't sleep the other night and then worked two shifts giving me a 17 hour day, then that night couldn't sleep until 2am... I almost went 48 hours no sleep, with an hour nap somewhere in there that was just me having bad dreams (two I remember vividly, one my partner was annoyed at me for some reason and the other that something bad would happen to my family). My constant overthinking and indecisiveness is taking a toll on my general well-being. Not sure what to do.

Doolhof · ‎14-11-2019

Hi frogsandchickenss,

I too welcome you to the community here. I'm wondering if it would be beneficial for you to have a talk to your Dr about how you are feeling.

It would be beneficial for you to write down what you are experiencing in your mind so the Dr can make an informed decision on how best to assist you. The Dr may suggest you see a professional for some assistance.

Thinking you may have a mental health condition may seem daunting, it can also be liberating and beneficial to know one way or another.

Years ago I was diagnosed with a condition, knowing that has helped immensely as I better understand why I think and behave the way I do.

Some deep breathing and telling yourself that you are okay and you are in control may help you as well when you are starting to feel out of control of your thoughts.

Are there things you do enjoy in life that you can try to increase?

You could also talk to a support person at Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 for ideas and tips on how to cope.

There is a lot of information on the Beyond Blue web site and many stories here that you may learn from as well.

Hope you feel comfortable expressing yourself here and it helps in some way.

Regards from Dools

White_Rose · ‎14-11-2019

Dear frogsandchickens

Welcome to the forum. Glad you came here and sorry you have not had many answers. This does sometimes happen which is not a good thing, but we are now talking with you.

It is hard to feel you cannot make decisions unless someone else endorses them. Been there, done that. For me it was because I had little confidence in myself, little self esteem. Your post suggests you may have a similar problem. Your boyfriend cares for you, otherwise he would not stay around, but you you are putting too much pressure on him.

It seems that overthinking is not helping you to move forward. I agree that talking about your difficulties can be helpful but there is a reasonable cut off time. Do you and your BF have other topics to talk about? Constantly going over how you feel and think is very wearing to both you and your BF. It needs to be balanced with other topics to give you a healthy relationship.

So how do you do this? It seems you have been struggling with this for a long time and not getting far. Dools has suggested seeing a health professional and so did RicardoD. Unfortunately it is something you are hesitant about. I've often thought about seeing someone but mentally that is such a big step, Yes it is a big step and can be a bit scary. However the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. I know it can be hard to go to your GP. Have considered it may be more than anxiety? You seem to spend so much of your life worrying about going out, what people think of you, wanting to talk constantly about your frustrations and it does not help.

Worrying takes a great deal of energy. I see you work hard holding down several jobs as well as going to uni. That is great. Shows you have the ability to get on with life. How did you get the jobs? I do not necessarily want you to tell me, just think how you did this. Can you use the same process to make an appointment with your GP? Dools has suggested you write down your thoughts which is useful to use when talking to your doctor. Perhaps you can print out your posts on this thread and take them along as well.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎14-11-2019

quote: I cry during sex, always need reassurance, ask for more time (which makes him feel like he isn't doing enough, even though he is doing all he can)

Gosh this is all familiar! I just split with my partner as he couldn't handle my anxiety any more. I agree with others that have suggested getting some professional help. It's definitely difficult, but maybe practice asking your dr for some help in a way that feels comfortable for you. For example: I've been having some anxious thoughts and difficulty sleeping which is interrupting my life. Can you refer me to someone I can talk to? (or whatever feels comfortable to you.) Being a support person is really difficult, so if you have an extra person you can talk to and help with some strategies, that will take a load off your partner.

If you're looking for other ways to help yourself, meditation apps, exercise, yoga and journalling are all good.

Kat

Guest_9486 · ‎15-11-2019

I feel like you are going through a stressful point in life where you’re a bit overwhelmed with so many commitments. Can you cut down on some of them? Maybe ask one of your jobs for more hours so you can drop one of the other jobs that you don’t enjoy so much? All of us with anxiety feel bad about burdening our partners with our worries too much, but the reality is that he loves you and cares about how you’re feeling. I find it really helpful in my relationship that when I’m starting to spiral into negative thoughts I ask my partner to just sit facing me, we hold hands and I openly talk about how I’m feeling. I tell him I don’t expect him to solve anything, I just need to talk things out. That way he doesn’t feel like I’m throwing all my problems onto him. I find it so helpful just to feel heard and sympathized with. Maybe you could try that together.
good luck.