Funeral - to go or not to go?

[PuzzlePup]

A friend of mine passed away last week. We weren't that close but we knew each other for a number of years. Her funeral is next week and i'd like to go out of respect but I have a fear of death. If my mind gets the better of me I have a mini panic attack. I don't know what to do?

[Dwwmills]

Hi PuzzlePup.

I’m not sure what to say here. Death is a funny thing and people have trouble talking about it and dealing with it. It would be nice for you to be able to go and pay respect to your friend but I understand your concerns.

I found it difficult to think about death and to visit people in hospital who I thought were going to die. Thinking about your own mortality can be quite unsettling. I would try to ignore it so that I didn’t have to think about death. I had an experience which helped change the way I felt about death. My mother became terminally ill with cancer and my brother and I nursed her through until she died. She handled her illness well and said she was not afraid to die. The last few days of her life she spent in a hospice. My brother and I were lucky enough to be there when she actually died. She had been largely unconscious for the last day and right at the end she opened her eyes. Although she couldn’t speak we knew it was the end and we said our goodbyes. She passed away very quickly and was no longer in any pain. She was a fantastic person who not only taught me how to live but also taught me how to die. It has given me a different perspective on death now. I see it more now as a natural part of life.

I hope you find a way to be able to go to your friend’s funeral. Sometimes having to face the things we fear can reduce some of the anxiety attached to the fear.

Good luck

Dean

[Jacko777]

Hi Puzzlepup, tricky one that. Sorry to hear you have lost a friend, we can both send her love and light.

Do you have a way of controlling a potential panic attack? Obviously you are at no greater risk of death at a funeral but you may have negative thoughts that could trigger something. I would stay sharply focused on love for my lost friend, you cannot have love and fear in your heart at the same time I believe. Self talk is important too, I would be staying with the thought that I am not going to have a panic attack, I am going to be fine, I am going to say goodbye to my friend and I am at no greater risk.

If you choose not to go you can do something at home to honour your friend, you don't have to regret not going. If fear of death is a mental health issue for you then I think it's okay not to go if you choose. 

Jack

[Guest_1055]

Hey PuzzlePup

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.

You appear pretty new here. So here is a welcome hug from me to you. And that is an adorable dog. Is it yours?

Now I am thinking about your post here. It is a very hard decision that you are needing to make. So I will try and put myself in your shoes. I also have mild panic attacks, so you are not alone there.

Do you have some other person close to you that could go with you. And that is able to help you if you need it? I am pretty sure that is what I would do. If it is in a church, I would sit very close to the back near an exit.

Not sure if any of that helps. Maybe someone else can advise you better than me. But I do care about you.

With love

Shelley

[Montana]

If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go, simple and plain. If you are worried about it all perhaps go visit her sometime after the funeral and do your own thing on a level and in a headspace and time frame that you are comfortable with.

I've had a lot of friends pass away over the years and I haven't gone to all of the funerals. It's sad to be in that kind of place but I trust in a higher power and believe that anybody that knows you well will know that you cared and that being at the funeral and not being comfortable is not what the person whose life you are trying to honour would have wanted anyway.

Trust your heart!

[white knight]

Hi,

I totally agree with Montana. What my personal policy is- to attend the service. If I'm calm I enter the service but will walk out if feeling queezy so I sit towards the rear. If not feeling up to it I stay outside. This means I WAS there, to pay my respects.

But I never attend cemeteries. I find the events there does nothing but harm to me.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Dear Puzzlepup.  As far as funerals go, it's a difficult situation even for the family.  Just an idea to think about.  I would perhaps suggest you send a little sympathy card.  It doesn't have to be elaborate, but it would let her family know you're thinking of them.  You could perhaps tell them you haven't been well and therefore can't attend.  That means you 'save face', and the family know you're thinking of them.  Later on, if you want to you could visit the family.  You don't have to go into detail about what's wrong with you, but by sending a card, at least then the family know you haven't forgotten your friend. Hope this idea helps.       

[blondguy]

Hey Puzzlepup

I am sorry to hear about you friend....its bad news. Montana has got it spot on...he is the voice here...

I have anxiety (panic attacks) and I would grieve in my own way.......visit your friend later and grieve in the way that you are comfortable with.

As per Montana..."trust your heart" Visit your friend after the service.....Your friend appreciate it just as much..

You are kind....go later...there is no 'social responsibility' here......you pay your respects when you wish...

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[PuzzlePup]

Thank you for sharing Dean. I too lost my Mum to cancer about 2 years ago. Since then I think of death more often. I am also approaching mid age where i'm thinking more about old age and pending illness etc. 

[PuzzlePup]

Thank you Jack. If I start to feel panic I have to quickly focus on something else, anything in fact - the blue sky, the trees, someones hairstyle, anything, until the thought subsides